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Pseudo-Named And Shamed

, , , , , | Right | May 28, 2011

(I’m an author doing a book signing in a shop. I’m female with an obviously female name. The name is also on the book. There’s also a large poster with my name and photo on it.)

Customer: “When’s he going to get here?”

Me: “Who?”

Customer: “The author.”

Me: “I’m the author.”

Customer: “But, you’re a woman.”

Me: “Yes.”

Customer: “Oh, I get it. You’re one of them pseudonym things.”


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A Little Big Communication Problem

, , , , | Right | May 16, 2011

Customer: “I’d like some big little batteries, please.”

(I gesture behind me.)

Customer: “Big-little ones.”

Me: “I’m sorry, I don’t follow.”

Customer: “You know, you’ve got little-little ones, then little-big ones, then big-little ones, then big-big ones. You know?”

Me: “I’m sorry, you’re being very vague.”

Customer: “I just want some rechargeable big-little batteries.”

Me: “These are the only rechargeable batteries we do.”

Customer: “Yes! Those! Big-little ones, see?”

This Student Will Need To Be Discharged

, , , , , , | Right | March 17, 2011

(Ever since a particular Oscar-winning film has been released, our services have been quite popular.)

Me: “Hello, [Elocution Lessons]. How may I help you?”

Caller: “Hi. I need some electrocution lessons for my husband.”

Me: “Certainly, ma’am. We can arrange some elocution lessons.”

Caller: “How much do you charge for electrocution?”

Me: “Prices are [price], ma’am. Forgive me for saying so, but it is pronounced elocution, not electrocution. They mean significantly different things.”

Caller: “I was calling for you to electrocute my husband! Not me!”

Me: “I apologise, I was not–”

Caller: “Stop correcting me and just electrocute my husband!”


This story is part of our Tutors roundup!

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How You Know You’ve Been Working Too Long

, , , , | Right | March 16, 2011

(The customer is apparently employed at another branch of the same fast-food chain.)

Customer: “I’d like a [burger] meal with lemonade, please.”

Me: “That’s one [burger] meal with lemonade?”

Customer: “Would you like to go large with that?”

Me: “What?”

Customer: “Oh! I mean, yes. Thank you.”

Sweet Spice

, , , , , , | Right | March 13, 2011

(I work on the pizza counter at a large supermarket chain. We make individual pizzas for the customer.)

Customer: “I’d like some jelly babies.”

Me: “Sorry, we don’t put jelly babies on pizzas. What else can I get you?”

Customer: *pause* “Jelly babies, please.”

Me: “Sir, we do not serve jelly babies here.”

(This continues for quite a while.)

Customer: “I’d like some jelly babies.”

Me: “We do not sell jelly babies!”

(The customer then angrily points to an ingredient on the counter.)

Me: “Sir, those are jalapeños.”