Taking Charge Of The Matter

, , , , , , | Related | March 29, 2012

(My twin brother and I are about 15 at the time. I have just placed some AA batteries into a charger and gone to bed. My brother and I are both woken up in the middle of the night by a loud fizzle and pop.)

Brother: “What was that?”

Me: “Just the radiator… Go back to sleep.”

Brother: “I don’t think that was the radiator.”

(He turns on the light and sees that the batteries in the charger are fizzling, and a thick fluid is pouring out of them and on to the floor.)

Brother: “Oh, my God, it’s the batteries! Wait, did you put single-use batteries into a charger?”

Me: “Umm…”

Brother: “You idiot.”

Me: “I’ll clean it up.”

(I get up and go to pick up the batteries before any more fluid leaks on to the floor.)

Brother: “Wait, you can’t just pick them up! That stuff is toxic!”

Me: “Well, what should I use?!”

Brother: “I’ll go get some rubber gloves. And some aluminium foil.”

Me: “Foil?”

Brother: “Yeah, I read somewhere that you have to dispose of the batteries in foil before throwing them away.”

Me: “Are you sure?”

Brother: “Just do it!”

(My brother and I both try to dispose of the leaking un-chargeable batteries from the battery charger. Our mother then walks into the room to find out what all the noise is about in the middle of the night. She walks in to find us both in our underwear, wearing rubber gloves, with aluminium foil in our hands. There is a long silence where we all just stare at each other.)

Mum: “Are you two on drugs?”

Us: “No, mum.”

Mum: “Am I on drugs?”

Us: “No, mum.”

Mum: “Good, then I don’t want to know. I’m going back to bed.”

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To Boldy Go, As You Wish

, , , , , , | Romantic | March 1, 2012

(I am watching TV while my wife reads a magazine.)

Me: “Oh, honey, look—The Princess Bride is on.”

Wife: “What’s that?”

Me: “You’re joking, right?”

Wife: “Is it a cartoon? Sounds like a cartoon.”

Me:The Princess Bride? You’ve honestly never seen The Princess Bride? Who ARE you?”

Wife: “Why are you looking at me like you’re going to divorce me?”

Me: “Not seeing The Princess Bride is like saying you haven’t seen Star Wars.”

Wife: “Ooh! I know that one! That’s the one with the silly man with the pointy ears?”


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A Serious Case Of Insensitivity, Part 2

, , , , , , | Right | August 3, 2011

CONTENT WARNING: Death

(New Year’s Eve is in full swing. Shortly before the midnight countdown, a coworker of mine drops down dead beside me from a brain aneurysm. We went into shock and obviously tried to help her. The customer that she was serving starts complaining about the quality of service.)

Customer: “Leave her; it’s almost midnight! I need my glass of wine to celebrate!”

Me: “Sir, we believe she may be dead. Please have a bit of compassion. The bar will be closing now while we wait for emergency services.”

Customer: “Forget that! We want to celebrate. Get me my drink now and take her body out back or something!”

Me: “Security! Throw this man out and clear the bar.”

Customer: “I will get both her and you fired for this!”

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Pseudo-Named And Shamed

, , , , , | Right | May 28, 2011

(I’m an author doing a book signing in a shop. I’m female with an obviously female name. The name is also on the book. There’s also a large poster with my name and photo on.)

Customer: “When’s he going to get here?”

Me: “Who?”

Customer: “The author.”

Me: “I’m the author.”

Customer: “But, you’re a woman.”

Me: “Yes.”

Customer: “Oh, I get it. You’re one of them pseudonym things.”


This story is part of our Book Lovers roundup!

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A Little Big Communication Problem

, , , , | Right | May 16, 2011

Customer: “I’d like some big little batteries, please.”

(I gesture behind me.)

Customer: “Big-little ones.”

Me: “I’m sorry, I don’t follow.”

Customer: “You know, you’ve got little-little ones, then little-big ones, then big-little ones, then big-big ones. You know?”

Me: “I’m sorry, you’re being very vague.”

Customer: “I just want some rechargeable big-little batteries.”

Me: “These are the only rechargeable batteries we do.”

Customer: “Yes! Those! Big-little ones, see?”

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