Hugh Grant & Julia Roberts Would Disagree

, , , , | Right | December 20, 2010

(Two tourists are buying London Underground train tickets to Notting Hill.)

Tourist #1: “Where are we going?”

Tourist #2: “Notting Hill. It’s where Robin of Sherwood is from.”

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This Is Why We’re In A Recession, Literally

, , , , , | Right | December 16, 2010

Me: “Hello, sir. Would you like to make a donation to Children In Need?”

Customer: *in a heavy American accent* “Say what?”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir, I wasn’t aware you were from out of the country. Children In Need is a charity that collects money for projects working with children in the UK. It runs an appeal about this time every year. Would you maybe like to make a donation?”

Customer: “Like f*** I would! It’s you and your poor, hobo kids that got us and the whole f****** world into this d*** recession!”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir, but the recession actually began when the US housing bubble burst. American banks gave out too many loans that couldn’t be repaid, and the government had to bail the banks out. That was because they traded the debt they had to banks overseas, since most were American owned companies.”

Customer: *silence*

Me: “Would you like to make a donation?”

(The customer reached into his pocket, and dropped some change into the bucket.)

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So Pho, So Crazy

, , , , , , | Right | December 3, 2010

(I am working the tills at a supermarket. I am of Vietnamese descent but was born in London. An older gentleman comes through my till.)

Customer: *practically shouting* “Ni-Hao!”

Me: “Hello to you, too, sir, but that’s Chinese. I am actually Vietnamese.”

(I point to my name tag which in our shop goes by family name instead of first name. Mine is the very common ‘Nguyen,’)

Customer: “Don’t lie!”

Me: “I assure you sure I am Vietnamese.”

Customer: “There aren’t any Vietnamese people left!”

Me: “Pardon?”

Customer: “Yeah, the Americans killed them all back in the seventies or something.”

Me: “I think you may have your history confused. I assure you there is still a Vietnam and it is full of Vietnamese people.”

Customer: “Well I don’t know how you managed to escape but I wouldn’t say it so loudly. There might be Americans around looking for survivors.”

Me: *as I ring up his last item* “Probably a good idea. That will be £10.34 please.”

Customer: *as he pays* “Wouldn’t want a young lad like you getting caught!”

(The customer heads towards the exit, but unfortunately notices the security guard who also happens to be my brother. He is 6ft tall and a body-builder and I dread what might happen.)

Customer: “Ni-Hao!”

Brother: “Actually I’m Vietnamese.”

Customer: “Another one?! But the Americans wiped you all out!”

Brother: *standing to full height* “I think you might want to just keep on walking.”

Customer: “How dare you talk to me like that?! I’m going to call the Americans, and then they’ll come down here and shoot you!”

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The Holy Ghost

, , , , , , , | Right | November 4, 2010

Tourist: “Excuse me, do you know why are there so many police and ambulances about?”

Me: “It’s for the Pope’s visit. He’s preaching in the Cathedral and then there’s a procession.”

Tourist: “But didn’t the Pope die years ago?”

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Ear-Waxing Lyrical About Bad Service

, , , , , , | Right | November 1, 2010

Customer: “I’ve come to pick up my prescription.”

Me: “Oh, I’m really sorry. Due to extenuating circumstances we don’t have a pharmacist at the moment so legally I can’t give out any prescriptions. But if you wait five minutes, a replacement pharmacist will be here and then you can take it.”

Customer: “But I need it. Give it to me!”

Me: “I understand your problem but I would be breaking the law if I gave it to you.”

Customer: “I work in the pharmaceutical industry and I know for a fact you are lying! Give it to me now!”

(The pharmacist arrives and I explain the problem.)

Pharmacist: “I’m really sorry for the inconvenience but my colleague was right, There was nothing she could do. But now that I’m here, you can take your prescription.”

Customer: “Your colleague is a cruel, moral-less b**** with the intelligence of a moron. She has endangered my life! I shall take this to court and win!” *storms out*

Me: *to pharmacist* “What was in her prescription?”

Pharmacist: “Drops for excessive ear wax.”

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