One Brain For The IQ Of None

, , , , | Right | July 28, 2010

Customer: “This sticker says three-for-two. What does that mean?”

Me: “It means that if you choose three books with that sticker on, the cheapest will be free. You get three books for the price of two.”

Customer: “But what if I only want two books?”

Me: “You don’t have to have to take a third book. You can just buy those two on their own. But you could get a free book to go with them; any book in the shop with that sticker on.”

Customer: “This is ridiculous, I don’t want 3 for 2. Why are you trying to make people read books they don’t want?”

Me: “I can just sell you those two on their own. You don’t have to make use of the deal.”

Customer: “But it says three-for-two, so I’d be missing out on a book.”

Me: “Well, you can choose a third book in the deal. Then you’ll get one for free.”

Customer: “But I only want these two!”

Me: “Okay. Shall I put those two through the till for you?”

Customer: “Are you trying to rip me off? I want my free book.”

Me: *pause* “Would it help if I took the stickers off the covers? Then they would just look like normal books.”

Customer: “Right! Yes! They shouldn’t be three-for-two, anyway! They’re really good!”

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Hiss-terical Contest

, , , | Right | July 16, 2010

(It is closing time. I come across a man in the reptile section staring intently at one of our pythons.)

Me: “Sir, just to let you know, the store will be closing in about–”

(The customer silences me and continues to watch the snake.)

Me: “Sir, did you–”

Customer: “I heard you. I’ll be out in a minute. This brat can’t last much longer.”

(The snake moves to the side, and so does the customer. It slithers back to its original position and he follows suit. I notice his eyes are quivering all this time and he hasn’t blinked once.)

Me: “Sir, forgive my asking, but are you trying to have a staring contest with Archie there?”

Customer: “Yes.”

Me: “You do know snakes can’t blink, right?”

Customer: “Oh, now you tell me? I’ve been challenging this brat for the last ten minutes!”


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Not Just Ol’ Gay Paris Anymore

, , , , , , , , | Right | April 27, 2010

(I am of Chinese descent but I was born and raised in London. I am serving a table of American tourists, headed by a rather boisterous older woman.)

Me: “Welcome to [Restaurant]. What will you be having today?”

Customer: “Oh, my God!”

Me: “Are you okay, ma’am?”

Customer: “What’s wrong with your voice?”

Me: “Nothing, ma’am. I’m perfectly fine.”

Customer: “But you sound English!”

Me: “I am. I was born here.”

Customer: “But that’s impossible!”

Me: “I assure you, ma’am, I was born right here in London. This is my normal accent. So, what can I get you to order?”

Customer: “How old are you?”

Me: “21, ma’am.”

Customer: “Would you like to meet my daughter? She’s thinking of studying here for school.”

Me: “No thanks, ma’am. I’m gay and have a boyfriend so I doubt she’d be interested in me.”

Customer: “You’re gay?”

Me: “Guilty.”

Customer: “So that explains the accent.”


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Saw The Wrong Dust

, , , , , | Right | March 16, 2010

Customer: “Is this movie one of those violent ones?”

(Customer shows me a copy of ‘Stardust’.)

Me: “No, sir, that’s a family fantasy movie.”

Customer: “Are you sure? I thought Sawdust was violent and gory?”

Me: “Sir, you’re thinking of the ‘Saw’ movies. You have a copy of ‘Stardust’, which is completely different.”

Customer: “I was looking for something really disturbing and violent.”

Me: “Well ‘Stardust’ has a scene with Robert De Niro in a dress doing the can-can.”

(Customer mulls this over for a few seconds.)

Customer: “I think you’d better show me where those ‘Saw’ movies are.”

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(V)ery (A)bsent (T)hought

, , , , | Right | February 25, 2010

(After confirming the price of every single item in a customer’s basket as it goes through the till, I finally hand her the receipt.)

Customer: “Wait, what’s this thing here? It was really expensive!” *points at item on her receipt*

Me: “That’s VAT.”

Customer: “What’s that?”

Me: “Value Added Tax.”

Customer: “I didn’t buy any of that.”

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