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Not Even Remotely Getting It, Part 2

, , , , , , | Right | December 22, 2021

In my previous job, toward the end of my employment, lockdown occurred, and I ended up working from home. I’d go about my work as usual, with calls routed to a company mobile.

Me: “Hi, [Company] helpdesk.”

Caller: “Hi, my [Program] isn’t working properly. Can you remote on and fix it?”

I run the user through the basic troubleshooting, which takes an odd twenty minutes on its own, because they aren’t exactly the sharpest tool in the shed, and going through the troubleshooting steps is like pulling teeth. I decide at this point it’s probably easier to remote on.

Me: “Okay, on the desktop there should be an icon for Teamviewer. Can you click on that, please? It should give you a nine-digit number.”

Caller: “What? Teams?”

Me: “No, no, not Teams, Teamviewer.”

I make sure I articulate the words so they hear it all.

Caller: “Teams? I already have Teams open. I can’t see the number.”

Me: “It should be Teamviewer; the icon should be a blue square with a white circle in it and a double-ended arrow.”

Caller: “This is too hard. Can you remote on and do it?”

Me: “I can’t remote on without that program, so I need you to open that to allow me access.”

Caller: “Can’t you remote on and open it?”

Me: “…”

This call went on for at least another HOUR. This wasn’t the first or last time I had a call like this. I’m so glad I left that job. It was atrocious.

Not Even Remotely Getting It

He Sent A Chill Down Their Spines

, , , , , , | Romantic | December 6, 2021

My boyfriend can be a bit… different. One day, the phone rings, and I just hear his side of the conversation.

Boyfriend: “Running? No… it’s just sitting there watching me. Plotting! Waiting for me to let my guard fall. I think it hates me. I know it’s coming for me. Oh, no… It heard me. It knows I know! It’s coming! NO! NO! AAARRRRRRRRRRGH! AAAAAH! AAAAAAAAAAAARRRGGGHHH!”

And then he hangs up.

Me: “What the actual f***?”

Boyfriend: “Some kids called and wanted to know if my fridge was running.”

Apparently, they were really young and sounded completely freaked out, so if your kids are afraid to go into the kitchen… sorry? I really love my boyfriend but we’re never having children.

A Complete Lack Of Order

, , , , | Right | November 18, 2021

I work for a well-known china manufacturer. There are about 100 different patterns of china in the range. A woman comes to the counter and aggressively slaps down a till receipt.

Customer: “Can you find out what’s happened to this order? Someone phoned and told me it would be in three weeks ago.”

Me: “Okay, do you have your copy of the order?”

Customer: “No, it’s at home on my pinboard.”

Me: “Okay, what was it you ordered?”

Customer: “Some cups and saucers, I think.”

Me: “What pattern?”

Customer: “I can’t remember.”

Me: “What’s your name? I’ll have to look it up in the order book.”

Customer: “Don’t you know? You’re supposed to know about orders.”

Me: “Madam, we have about twenty or thirty orders at any one time. I can’t be expected to remember them all.”

She’s getting very annoyed now at my lack of mind-reading skills.

Customer: “Well, that’s convenient, isn’t it.”

Me: “No, it’s not convenient at all. You don’t know what you’ve ordered, so now I’ve got to go through all these orders to find yours.”

She huffs and goes silent. At this point, my colleague comes in from lunch and senses an atmosphere.

Colleague: “Everything all right?”

Me: “Yes, this lady has ordered something, but she can’t remember what, so I’m trying to find out for her.”

Colleague: “Don’t you have your copy of the order, madam?”

Customer: “No, I left it at home on my pinboard.”

Colleague: “…”

Finally, I find the order.

Me: “Oh, yes, the pink cups and saucers. They’ve been here for a couple of weeks.”

Customer: “So, why didn’t anyone phone me?”

Me: “But madam, you said someone did, three weeks ago.”

There wasn’t another peep out of her while I wrapped her stuff and sent her on her way.

Flawless Victory

, , , , , , , | Working | November 17, 2021

A few years ago, I was working as a retail journalist and got to cover the opening of a huge new toy store on a famous street in central London. The planners went all out, and the bigwigs of the company were walking around and talking to everyone. They even had several dozen costumed characters there to perform for the kids.

I saw them getting ready and had to do a double-take as I noticed a character who seemed a little out of place.

And that’s how I got the chance to see a choreographed family-friendly dance featuring such stars as Bob the Builder, Fireman Sam… and Scorpion from Mortal Kombat.

A fun night was had by all.

Talking To The Big Cheese

, , , , , , | Right | November 10, 2021

I’m allergic to lactose. It’s something that just sprung out of nowhere when I was about twelve which meant I got to experience the delights of products with lactose before it was very rudely taken away from me. One item taken was pizza.

Since I lived in a really rural area, the non-lactose/dairy option for pizza was just… no cheese whatsoever, which is just sad and messy. As such, I don’t have pizza anymore. I’m visiting my friend in London in the Before Times and we get to her flat late in the evening only to find that the cooker has noped and isn’t working. As such, we head on out to find a food place.

Friend: “Probably not gonna like this suggestion, but there’s this really nice independently owned pizza place that does lovely pizzas…”

Me: “A no-cheese pizza is a sad pizza. But often pizza places do pasta so… potentially an option?”

Friend: “I can’t remember if they do or not. I don’t get pasta normally so I can’t help, but we can stop on in and see.”

We head on over and go into this place and get seated pretty quickly. It has a shared table setup and we’ve been sat near a guy on his laptop. We’re browsing through the menu:

Me: *Sadly* “Ah, no pasta. Just pizza.”

Friend: “Says they’re customisable, though, for dietary requirements. Just have to ask.”

Me: “Once again, [Friend], a no-cheese pizza is a sad pizza.”

Laptop Guy: “I agree. You vegan? There’s vegan cheese.”

Me: “Oh, I’m just allergic to lactose.”

Laptop Guy: “‘Just allergic’? Not sure those two words belong together. But if it’s an allergy to just the sugar, there are a few options. Personally, I recommend the lactose-free mozzarella. It’s extremely similar to regular mozzarella in texture and taste.”

Friend: “Oh, have you tried the other cheese options?”

Laptop Guy: “Yeah, I taste everything that gets put in here. All the workers do, excluding anything that goes against their dietary needs.”

Friend: “What do you do here?”

Laptop Guy: “I’m the owner.”

It was a good pizza.

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