Not Just Ol’ Gay Paris Anymore

, , , , , , , , | Right | April 27, 2010

(I am of Chinese descent but I was born and raised in London. I am serving a table of American tourists, headed by a rather boisterous older woman.)

Me: “Welcome to [Restaurant]. What will you be having today?”

Customer: “Oh, my God!”

Me: “Are you okay, ma’am?”

Customer: “What’s wrong with your voice?”

Me: “Nothing, ma’am. I’m perfectly fine.”

Customer: “But you sound English!”

Me: “I am. I was born here.”

Customer: “But that’s impossible!”

Me: “I assure you, ma’am, I was born right here in London. This is my normal accent. So, what can I get you to order?”

Customer: “How old are you?”

Me: “21, ma’am.”

Customer: “Would you like to meet my daughter? She’s thinking of studying here for school.”

Me: “No thanks, ma’am. I’m gay and have a boyfriend so I doubt she’d be interested in me.”

Customer: “You’re gay?”

Me: “Guilty.”

Customer: “So that explains the accent.”

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Saw The Wrong Dust

, , , , , | Right | March 16, 2010

Customer: “Is this movie one of those violent ones?”

(Customer shows me a copy of ‘Stardust’.)

Me: “No, sir, that’s a family fantasy movie.”

Customer: “Are you sure? I thought Sawdust was violent and gory?”

Me: “Sir, you’re thinking of the ‘Saw’ movies. You have a copy of ‘Stardust’, which is completely different.”

Customer: “I was looking for something really disturbing and violent.”

Me: “Well ‘Stardust’ has a scene with Robert De Niro in a dress doing the can-can.”

(Customer mulls this over for a few seconds.)

Customer: “I think you’d better show me where those ‘Saw’ movies are.”

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(V)ery (A)bsent (T)hought

, , , , | Right | February 25, 2010

(After confirming the price of every single item in a customer’s basket as it goes through the till, I finally hand her the receipt.)

Customer: “Wait, what’s this thing here? It was really expensive!” *points at item on her receipt*

Me: “That’s VAT.”

Customer: “What’s that?”

Me: “Value Added Tax.”

Customer: “I didn’t buy any of that.”

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Some Customers Never Let You Down

, , , , | Right | February 10, 2010

Customer: “Where are the escalators and lifts?”

Me: “Sorry, ma’am. The lift is reserved for people who are unable to use the stairs, and there are no escalators. There is a staircase just over there if that’s what you’re looking for”.

Customer: “But those are ‘down’ stairs. I need to go back up.”

Me: “Ma’am, stairs go both up and down. That is why we have stairs instead of escalators.”

Customer: “But I need to go upstairs, and you don’t have any ‘up’ stairs. Are you trying to trap people here?”

Me: “You know what? Let me show you the lift.”

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