(I’ve just opened the shop after getting there early to straighten up. I am filling in the morning paperwork at the tills at the back of the shop. A man comes in and ignores my greeting, so I take a sip of the tea I have behind the counter, and as he turns to approach the tills I put it down and say:)

Me: “Everything in the store is three for the price of two today, if you’re interested!”

Customer: “What? I can’t hear you with your mouth behind your coffee like that; why didn’t you put it down first?”

Me: “I’m sorry.” *smiles apologetically* “Did you find everything you were looking for today?”

Customer: “Why are you talking so fast? You need to slow down. Don’t talk so fast.”

Me: *speaking slightly slower* “Sorry, sir. Do you have one of our loyalty cards?”

Customer: “Yes.” *throws the loyalty card across the desk at me*

Me: “Thank you. That will be £14.40. Please put your card in the machine for me.”

Customer: *while typing his PIN in* “Your voice is really grating.” *gets his PIN wrong*

Me: *slowly and as quiet and deeply as I can* “Please try that again, sir.”

Customer: *fails to enter his PIN correctly again while I stay quiet* “That’s two attempts now? I’ve got your little monologue going round in my head; your voice is so grating I can’t concentrate. I’ve got it now.” *enters PIN correctly and gets the “please remove card” message* “You’re not listening to a word I say, are you?”

Me: “I am, sir, yes.” *waits for a good minute while he fails to take his card* “Would you like to remove your card? Thank you. Keep your receipt; there’s a voucher on the bottom for—”

Customer: *cutting across me* “[My Name], you can’t keep up at that speed, you know, you’re going to crash sooner or later.”

Me: *trying to stay cheery and not grating* “Well, I’ve lasted for 28 years at this speed, I think I’ll be okay.” *smiles*

Customer: “It’s not about age. You’ll crash soon.” *stomps off*

(I am a brand-new employee at a grocery store bakery, but I have been working in customer service for years. One of my new coworkers is talking to a customer who looks to be in his mid-sixties.)

Customer: “No Italian bread today?”

Coworker: “Not just now, no. We’re shorthanded and one of our ovens is down and being worked on. However, the French crusty loaves are exactly the same, so you could get one of those, instead.”

Customer: “No, they’re not.”

Coworker: “Yes, they are. We use the same dough for both; we just put a different pattern of slices in the top before baking.”

Customer: “No, I’ve eaten both and the French is very different inside. I don’t want a French loaf; I want an Italian one!”

Coworker: “Well, that’s your choice, but it’ll probably be over an hour before we have any Italian loaves available for purchase.” 

Customer: *grumbles and leaves*

Coworker: *walks over to me* “I pan those up at least three times a week, but of course he knows that they’re different inside, so what do I know?”

Me: “But he’s a customer! Of course he knows better how to do your job than you do!”

(She cracked up. I think I’m going to like working here.)

(Part of my job involves being issued a company mobile phone. I get a different one every day; as such, they are not specific to any one employee. The vast majority of the time we use the mobile to call our warehouse for manager support. We almost never receive calls. One day, the phone rings:)

Me: “[Company] delivery, [My Name] speaking.”

Caller: “John?”

Me: “No, sorry, this is [My Name]. I’m a delivery driver for [Company].”

Caller: “Ah, okay!” *hangs up*

(Ten seconds later, the phone rings:)

Me: “[Company] delivery; [My Name] speaking.”

Caller: “John?”

Me: “Sorry, mate, still me!”

Caller: “Right, okay!” *hangs up*

(Ten seconds later, the phone rings — same number.)

Me: “Still me, mate.”

Caller: “Not John?”

Me: “Nope, still [My Name].”

Caller: “Okay.” *hangs up*

(As you can imagine, ten seconds later, he calls again.)

Me: “Uh, mate, are you just using redial?”

Caller: “Yes… John?”

Me: “If you hit redial, it will keep calling me.”

Caller: “Oh, okay, I got ya!” *hangs up*

(Once again, he calls me back.)

Me: “Mate, do you know how phones work? You can’t keep calling the same number expecting someone else to answer.”

Caller: “No John?”

Me: “Uh, no. If you keep calling the same number, you will keep getting me.”

Caller: “Oh, okay.” *hangs up*

(As you might expect, he calls again.)

Me: “John?”

Caller: “John!”

Me: “John!”

Caller: “Yes, John! Finally. I kept getting some t*** from [Rival Company].”

Me: “No, still me from [Company].”

Caller: “LOOK, I’M GETTING A BIT SICK OF THIS! STOP ANSWERING! LET ME TALK TO JOHN.”

Me: “Okay, mate, this is a mobile owned and operated by [Company]; there is no John here. There is no John in my department! YOU ARE CALLING THE WRONG NUMBER!”

Caller: “Fine, well, I guess I’ll do it the hard way and dial each number again.”

(Thankfully, after that, he never called again. I just hope he got the number right that time and some other poor person didn’t have the same experience.)

I went to a popular chain of opticians to get my eyes checked and get a new set of glasses.

The first visit, they told me that I could get the same style as my old frames but with new lenses. I was told to come back in one week to pick them up.

I came back and was told that they did not have my glasses as the frames were discontinued. They told me to pick out new frames, which I did. I was then told to pick them up in a week.

I came back a week later, only to be told that they only had one of the two frames I wanted in stock, and then it had broken in the workshop. I was then told that the new frames were discontinued and I had to pick another set of frames… again.

I was calm but frustrated and picked a new set of frames. This time, I was told to come back in one hour.

I went off for lunch and came back. A red-faced manager handed me my new glasses and a receipt for a full refund for both frames and the one-hour rush.

When I went back for my contact lenses appointment, I asked about the sales assistant that had helped me pick out my glasses as she wasn’t there.

It turns out she had been put on probation and then later fired because she kept restocking the shop floor with old discontinued stock, and then not phoning customers when their orders failed on the system.

At least it explained my troubles.

(I’ve been in retail for a long time and realise that most games console fault issues can be repaired simply by using the online troubleshooting guides, so each time I sell a console I politely tell the customer this. I’ve spent maybe 25 minutes with a male customer who is buying a birthday present for his son and he has been perfectly nice up to this point.)

Customer: “If there’s something wrong with it, can I bring it back?” 

Me: “We do offer a 21-day exchange policy, so if there’s a problem or you change your mind you can bring it back, providing it’s in a re-sellable condition. Then, we can give you a replacement, or an exchange for something different if you prefer.”

Customer: “What if it breaks after the 21 days, huh? What then?”

Me: “Well, you will be covered for the rest of the year through the console manufacturers. I find it’s much easier to contact them directly online or to search for [Console] troubleshooting. Generally, if there’s a problem or a fault with a console, it can be easily rectified online and it saves a lot of hassle of sending your console off for repair and waiting for a replacement.”

Customer: “No, if there’s a problem after 21 days, I’m bringing it back here for a full refund, you stupid c***!”