I’m shopping for toys for our child in a famous London toy store. My husband is a few shops away doing something else. He is finished and I am nearly, as well. Instead of shopping baskets, the store supplies big, red, very visible, and branded bags to carry your purchases around. My husband calls me to try and find me.

Because the store is full of people, he goes into “husband panic mode,” saying he’ll never find me. In order to help him, I go to the entrance. Trying to locate him, I step out of the store with my big bag of stuff I have not paid for. I am literally standing still, not even an arm’s length from security, scanning people to find my husband.

Suddenly, I am grasped by a man who I realize is security. He thinks I tried to steal and is very upset about it. I find that pretty funny, considering my choice of standing right next to him with a big bag proclaiming the store name. Very quickly, a young man who is some sort of a manager arrives at the scene and also gives me a stern talking to.

I understand their initial interest in me but am really amused that they never stopped to consider the exact circumstances after they initially stopped me, so I ask them, “Do you really think this is what stealing looks like? Me standing stock still next to a security guy with a big, bulging bag provided and branded by your store?”

I had a pretty hard time convincing them that YES, I WOULD ACTUALLY buy all that stuff now, as if the register wasn’t three feet away, and as if they couldn’t quite easily check that I was going to buy it all. I honestly think people in security should have enough experience to know an honest mistake when they see it.

I’m Finnish, and I’m visiting London on vacation. While browsing in a store that sells tabletop RPGs and board games, I hear voices approaching the entrance. Once they step in, I can hear two men speaking to each other in Finnish.

Younger Man: “And this store sells, like, board games and role-playing games and stuff.”

Older Man: “Hm. I bet they’re all in English, though. That sucks. It’s so stupid how everything over here is in English.”

After only a minute or two, they walk out without buying anything, all the while complaining about how nothing in the store is in Finnish. Chuckling, I step up to the counter to purchase something.

Me: “Heh. I just have to mention this — I’m Finnish and so were those men. I could understand everything they said. They were complaining about everything in the store being in English.”

The clerk looks a little puzzled.

Clerk: “Uh… I guess there’s no pleasing everyone?”

Me: “See, that’s just what we Finns do. We complain about stuff. My friend and I were just talking about this last night… and then we realized we were complaining about Finns complaining.”

I work in a hospital. A mother brings her daughter into the emergency room.

Nurse: “Hi there. Could you describe the nature of your medical needs?”

Mother: “My daughter stepped in dog poop and I’m afraid she might have an infection.”

Nurse: “Okay, does your daughter have any open wounds, blisters, warts, etc., near where she came into contact with the dog poop?”

Mother: “No.”

Nurse: “Did you wash her foot afterward with warm water and soap?”

Mother: “That’s disgusting! Why would I do that?”

Nurse: “To protect your daughter from infection?”

Mother: “No, I just threw it out.”

Nurse: “Wha…” *Lightbulb moment* “Was your daughter wearing shoes when she stepped in the poop?”

Mother: “Yes! Of course.”

Nurse: “So, you’re telling me that your daughter stepped into dog poop wearing shoes and socks, and she has no open wounds on her feet, and you are worried she has an infection?”

Mother: “Yes, of course, I’m worried.”

Nurse: “No offence, but this is an emergency room. It is very unlikely she got an infection, and since this is obviously a very low-priority case, you may be waiting here for up to six hours to see a doctor. I recommend you go home and make an appointment with your regular doctor in a couple of days’ time. If your daughter does take any severe turns, you can always bring her in or call an ambulance and she will be seen immediately.”

Mother: “Oh, no, you don’t! I want you to get my daughter to see a doctor as soon as you can!”

Nurse: “Very well. Please be aware that you could be waiting a very long time as we assign cases on a priority basis. Also please be aware that, whilst we make every effort to remove the risk of infection, this is a hospital and there is a chance that infected blood or bodily fluids may be present. Also be aware that, since this is a walk-in center, we do get a lot of homeless men and drug addicts coming in to get out of the rain.”

It is clear that the nurse is doing everything in her power to dissuade this mother from trying to see a doctor.

Mother: “Whatever. Those infections probably aren’t as bad as the ones you can get from dog poop.”

Nurse: “Actually, blood and bodily fluids might be contaminated with any number of infections, including HIV.”

Mother: “Oh, don’t be silly.”

The woman and her daughter moved on to the waiting room and were sat there for approximately four and a half hours. The woman was told by the doctor to do exactly what the nurse had advised and left looking overly smug.

There’s a big-name shop which has lots of smaller “local” shops in neighbourhoods. One of these is at the top of my road, so I go there often. I’m friendly with one of the managers and we will often stop and chat while I shop. I like a particular brand of energy drink and usually buy a can when I’m there, but today there are none on the shelf. When I get to the registers, I find out why.

Me: “Do you have any [Energy Drink #1] in the back? There’s none on the shelf.”

Manager: “Unfortunately not, sorry.”

He leans in and half-whispers to me.

Manager: “They all got stolen.”

Me: “What? Stolen? What do you mean?”

Manager: “Some guys came in last night, and we were out of [Energy Drink #2] so they got really upset and stole all the [Energy Drink #1].”

Me: “They… stole it? Because you were out of the other type? No way!”

Manager: “Yep. I’m pretty sure they were both on drugs. They were wandering about for ages and kept asking the colleagues for [Energy Drink #2] and got more and more upset until they put all the [Energy Drink #1] in a basket and ran out the door! [Security Guard] wanted to chase after them but I didn’t want her getting hurt over less than £20 of merchandise so I told her to leave it. The police are coming round later to get the security tapes, though.”

Moral of the story is, don’t get upset if a shop doesn’t have a certain thing! It might have been out of punishment by a couple of thieves.

My best friend and I work in a large supermarket just outside of town. Inside, there is a pavilion of other shops — shoe store, hairdresser, and optician’s. I am the cashier at the self-service, just by the exit. My best friend is working at the optician’s.

One day, we are parking in the employee car park, WAY on the other side of the building. We are sat together in the car, chatting before our respective shifts. The car is parked, not running, when all of a sudden a loud crunching sound makes up jump. The car goes forward into a bollard and my friend and I get out.

A middle-aged male customer is shouting and screaming.

Customer: “God! Are you b****es blind or something?!”

Friend: “Sir, you are the one that drove into my car.”

Customer: “You need to take your test again, little lady. I can’t believe that some a**hole let you on the road when you can’t even park!”

He goes off about this for a while, repeating that my friend needs to retake her test. Meanwhile, it’s his car in the middle of the road whilst hers is still parked up. It’s very clear who is in the wrong.

Customer: “And for all this to happen in the VIP parking?! I’m going to make a complaint! You’re going to pay for my car, little lady!”

Friend: “You’re the one that hit me! Give me your details and we’ll have our insurance sort it out. Stop threatening me.”

Me: “This isn’t VIP parking; this is the employee lot.”

The guy ignores us both and continues ranting. We both figure that he must have followed another employee through the barrier as you have to swipe a card to enter.

Friend: “This guy is insane. Come on, we’re late for work.”

We both go into the supermarket to start our shifts. An hour later, my friend rushes up to the self-serve and gestures for my attention.

Friend: “You know that insane guy that hit us in the car park?”

Me: “Um, yeah?”

Friend: “He just came into the optician’s!”

Me: “Oh, my God. Why?”

Friend: “He’s been banned from driving because he is blind in one eye. He has no depth perception at all and his vision in his remaining eye isn’t great. He isn’t wearing glasses and he refuses contacts for some reason, so he’s basically blind. He needs an optician to sign off that he is safe to drive again. Apparently, him hitting my car isn’t the first accident he’s caused.”

Me: “He’s banned from driving? But he drove here?”

Friend: “I know! I refused to sign his form. He didn’t recognise me at all. Figures, because he’s almost completely blind.”

Me: “At least you have his details for the insurance claim now.”

Friend: “I’ll do you one better. I phoned the police and let them know. They’re going to be waiting by his car when he finishes shopping.”

I kept an eye on the guy, but he didn’t come to my register. He spent over ten minutes shouting at a young girl on her first day for asking if he had a loyalty card.

I later found out from the security guy that when the guy finally did leave and saw the police, he got in his car and tried to drive away, only to slam into the barrier causing enough damage to the barrier and his car that the supermarket decided to take him to court for the costs. He was arrested for reckless driving, and driving without due care and attention, and driving whilst banned.

My friend, very luckily, had an uninsured driver clause in her policy which paid for the damages, as the guy’s insurance was invalid due to the fact he was banned from driving.