Makes You Want To Take Medical Leave

, , , , , | Right | December 1, 2017

(Our manager is taken sick at work and we have to call an ambulance. As a result, we’re closing early. Although we’ve put signs up, no one reads them, so I am standing at the door asking people not to come inside. Our shop is in the same building as a bookshop, which is remaining open.)

Me: “Sorry, guys, we’re closing early today, due to our manager being unwell.”

Customer: “I just want a hot chocolate.”

Me: “Unfortunately, we’re closing, and all the machines are being turned off.”

(As she is launching into a rant, the ambulance pulls up and paramedics go inside.)

Customer: “But I want a hot chocolate! No one else sells this hot chocolate! Can’t you just pour out some you’ve already made?”

Me: “We don’t have any made up right now; everything has been cleared away.”

(She looks at the sign, which says the bookshop is remaining open.)

Customer: “Where is [Bookshop] then?”

Me: “It’s just next door.”

(She peers through the door at the displays.)

Customer: “Oh. I thought you were trying to help me find another cafe. The least you could do is put a sign up.”

(She walked away in a huff, and people kept coming to the door and asking why we were closed, even whilst they could see the paramedics inside!)

Not Behaving In A Presidential Manner

, , , , , | Right | November 28, 2017

(A customer is ordering her drink. From her accent, I assume she is native English.)

Customer: “Can you tell me where the Cenotaph is, please?”

Me: *gives directions*

Customer: “And is the President there?”

Me: *assuming she means Prime Minister* “No. There’s a ceremony held every Remembrance Sunday. She will be in attendance.”

Customer: “When is that?”

Me: “It’s held every second Sunday in November.”

Customer: “And when is that?”

Me: “Next Sunday.”

Customer: “And you’re sure the President will be there?”

Me: “Yes. The Prime Minister will be there.”

(She gets her drink and walks away.)

Customer: *to her friend* “What the f*** is a Prime Minister?”

Under The Bed, Over The Top

, , , , , , , | Related | November 24, 2017

(Our six-year-old son has watched a scary film he shouldn’t have. He is being obnoxious and unrepentant, claiming that he is old enough to watch them, and so is being punished with early bedtime.)

Son: “I don’t want to go to bed!”

Me: “Well, you should have thought of that before you sneakily watched a grown-up movie.”

Son: “But the monster under the bed will get me!”

Me: “There isn’t a monster under the bed. You’re just scared because you watched a movie you are too young for.”

Son: “No! There is a monster! It will get me!”

Me: “Fine, I will go and look under the bed for you. When I can see there is no monster, you’re going to bed.”

Son: “Okay!”

(I go up to his room, and make a big show of looking under the bed. I go pale. I see my husband under the bed wearing all manner of scary Halloween masks and pieces of costume. He looks, quite frankly, terrifying. He stifles a giggle and mouths to be quiet. I catch on.)

Me: *to son* “Okay, there are no monsters here. You need to go to bed now.”

Son: “What if I stay up but be quiet?”

Me: “No way. You know what you did wrong. You need to be punished. To bed. Now.”

(He flops onto the bed and I close the door to his bedroom behind me. Ten seconds later there is the loudest scream you can imagine coming from his room, followed by the sounds of my husband laughing. I walk back into the room.)

Husband: “I thought you were old enough to watch scary stuff?”

(I know it sounds mean, but he never watched an age-inappropriate movie again, especially a scary one, until well into his late teens!)

The Level Of Irony Remains Secure

, , , , | Working | November 21, 2017

(My company has arranged for mandatory “Security Awareness” training. We’re ten minutes in when a man rushes into the room, out of breath, and drops this little line:)

Attendee: “Sorry I’m late; I left my security pass at the hotel and couldn’t decide if I should go back for it!”

(Needless to say, the instructor was not amused.)

The Punning Dead

, , , , , , | Friendly | November 16, 2017

(I am chatting with some friends about the TV show “The Walking Dead.”)

Friend: “I gave up watching after season two.”

Me: “Season two was the worst season, but it got so much better after that.”

Friend: “I just got bored; nothing was happening!”

Me: “But it’s so well written, and the characters are really fleshed out.”

Friend: “Until they’re not.”

Me: “Literally.”

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