Wasn’t Born Yesterday

| NJ, USA | Working | August 12, 2016

(I’m at a liquor store attached to a supermarket. I pick out a six-pack and take it to the register.)

Clerk: “I need to see your ID.”

Me: “…? You’re joking, right?”

(I’m in my mid sixties, and, while I might flatter myself that I look young for my age, there’s no way anyone could mistake me for less than forty.)

Clerk: “No. Our store policy is that we check EVERYBODY’S ID.”

Me: *as I pull out my driver’s license* “Well, that’s ridiculous.”

(The clerk the grabbed my license from my hand and keyed in my entire birth date, rather than just the birth year, which would more than suffice. He refused to remove that information, which is one of three critical pieces of ID information that crooks commonly use in identity theft. Complaints to the store had no effect. I no longer shop there.)

And Don’t Even Get Me Started On What They Did To The Fava Beans

| BC, Canada | Working | May 27, 2016

(My mother and I are in one of the dozen liquor stores that serves our small town looking for a specific type of red wine. We can’t seem to find it so we ask a staff member who is stocking shelves.)

Me: “Excuse me; do you know where your Chianti is?”

Staff: “What?”

Me: “Chianti.”

Mom: “It’s red wine.”

(The staff member goes to the tills and asks for help. She returns and leads us to the right section.)

Staff: “It’s actually ‘chee-auntie.'”

(I grimace at my mother.)

Mom: “No, it’s actually Chianti.” *key-anty*

Staff: “The girls corrected me…”

Mom: “It’s Chianti.”

(I find the bottle we want and the staff member wanders off. I turn to Mom.)

Me: “They really need to watch Silence of the Lambs.”

No ID, No Idea, Part 25

| Lethbridge, AB, Canada | Right | February 21, 2016

(A customer in and picks out a bottle of vodka that is currently being advertised in our flyer.)

Me: “Hi! Could I please see your ID?”

Customer: “I only have a photo of it. Is that okay?”

(He holds out his phone to show me.)

Me: “No.”

Customer: “Are you sure?”

Me: “Yes.”

Customer: “Are you reeeally sure?”

(I hand him a flyer.)

Me: “Well, I can give you a photo of your liquor. Is that okay?”

Customer: *glares at me and leaves*


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No ID, No Idea, Part 24

| Canada | Right | January 28, 2016

(It’s the law that you need to have your ID to be in the liquor store, except for children with parents. A group of young gentlemen come in. Several choose items and carry them to the front. Once everything is on the counter, one of the men steps forward to pay.)

Me: “Hi, guys! I need to see everyone’s ID, please!”

Customer #1: “Why? How old do you think I look?”

Me: “Well, you look like you’re under 25, so I’ll need to see that ID, please. Same goes for everyone else.”

Customer #1: “But I’m the only one buying something. This is all for me.”

Me: “That’s great, but I can’t know for sure that they’re not going to have some since you all carried it to the front. It’s the law that I need to ID everyone. Plus I still haven’t seen your ID.”

(At this point there’s a line of several people forming.)

Customer #1: “Yeah, but I’m the only one buying it.”

Me: “Last chance. I need to see everyone’s ID, please.”

Customer #1: “How old do you think I am? Really.”

Me: “Not old enough to buy liquor. Since you won’t show me your ID, you’re now loitering on the premises. You need to leave the store now.”

Customer #1: “Wait! I’ll show you my ID.”

Customer #2: “I have mine as well!”

Me: “You’ve wasted enough of my time. There are seven people behind you waiting to pay, many of whom have their IDs out and ready. Your other buddies still don’t have their IDs out. I’ve explained to you that I’m required by law to see them, and given you multiple chances to show me. I’ve had enough. Get out.”

Customer #1: “You’re going to lose valuable customers! They’ll fire you!”

Me: “They’re not going to fire me. I’m complying with the law and thereby with store policy. My manager just went outside to write down your license plate number and will be calling the police once she has it. She’s got my back. You need to leave now. Go find another liquor store, and don’t pull this crap with them if you want your beer.”

(A couple of the guys checked outside and saw the manager walking towards their vehicle. They booked it out, and I haven’t seen them since.)


A Man With A Van And A Very Bad Plan

| Factoria, WA, USA | Right | November 17, 2015

(A coworker approaches me.)

Coworker: “Hey you might want to keep an eye on that guy in the scotch section. He just shoved two bottles of [Very Expensive Brand] into his coat.”

(I look over just as the aforementioned customer makes for the door. True to fashion the door sensors go off and he begins to walk faster.)

Me: “Sir… Sir, I need you to come back. Sir!”

(Suddenly a van tears across the parking lot and the customer breaks into a sprint. Someone in the van throws the passenger door open, he leaps in, and the van peels out of the parking lot before I can exit the store. Fortunately for me the shoplifters have made a grievous error: the van they were in had the name of a local plumbing service written on the side, with the full phone number and contact details underneath it. Shaking my head, I go back in and dial the company number, getting an older-sounding gentleman who’s naturally rather upset to hear two employees of his just took part in a robbery and promises to be on the lookout for when the van gets back to his place of business. Several hours later the company van pulls up outside the store again, and out steps a middle-aged man, dragging by their arms the idiots who stole the booze from us.)

Man: “Hey, I’m the one you spoke to. I just caught these disgraces laughing and sharing with the other employees the scotch they lifted from you. I thought it only right that they come down here and pay for what was stolen with their final paycheck before I can their a**es!”

(He shoves the red-faced shoplifters towards my register.)

Man: “Anything you have to say, boys?”

Shoplifter: *whispering* “Sorry.”

(The man places a hand on his shoulder and squeezes threateningly.)

Man: “What was that? I don’t think he heard you.”

Shoplifter: *much louder as he hurriedly hands over the money he owes* “I’m sorry I stole from you, okay?”

Man: “Better.” *to me* “Is there anything you’d like to do in return? Call the police? Press charges?”

Me: “Actually I just have one question: why on earth did you think it was a good idea to use a company vehicle in a robbery?”

Shoplifter: “We didn’t think retail employees knew how to read.”

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