(I’m at a liquor store attached to a supermarket. I pick out a six-pack and take it to the register.)

Clerk: “I need to see your ID.”

Me: “…? You’re joking, right?”

(I’m in my mid sixties, and, while I might flatter myself that I look young for my age, there’s no way anyone could mistake me for less than forty.)

Clerk: “No. Our store policy is that we check EVERYBODY’S ID.”

Me: *as I pull out my driver’s license* “Well, that’s ridiculous.”

(The clerk the grabbed my license from my hand and keyed in my entire birth date, rather than just the birth year, which would more than suffice. He refused to remove that information, which is one of three critical pieces of ID information that crooks commonly use in identity theft. Complaints to the store had no effect. I no longer shop there.)

(My mother and I are in one of the dozen liquor stores that serves our small town looking for a specific type of red wine. We can’t seem to find it so we ask a staff member who is stocking shelves.)

Me: “Excuse me; do you know where your Chianti is?”

Staff: “What?”

Me: “Chianti.”

Mom: “It’s red wine.”

(The staff member goes to the tills and asks for help. She returns and leads us to the right section.)

Staff: “It’s actually ‘chee-auntie.'”

(I grimace at my mother.)

Mom: “No, it’s actually Chianti.” *key-anty*

Staff: “The girls corrected me…”

Mom: “It’s Chianti.”

(I find the bottle we want and the staff member wanders off. I turn to Mom.)

Me: “They really need to watch Silence of the Lambs.”

(I have had a long day at work and am stopping by a sake brewery on my way home to pick up some for the weekend.)

Me:” I’d like one… no, make that two large bottles of plum sake.”

Salesman: *while bagging my order* “How are you going to drink that?”

Me: *assuming he is asking how I can manage to drink three liters of sake on my own* “Hey! I have friends!”

Salesman: “I prefer to drink it warm, but some people like to drink it cold.”

(Turns out he was asking at what temperature I was going to serve it!)

(A customer in and picks out a bottle of vodka that is currently being advertised in our flyer.)

Me: “Hi! Could I please see your ID?”

Customer: “I only have a photo of it. Is that okay?”

(He holds out his phone to show me.)

Me: “No.”

Customer: “Are you sure?”

Me: “Yes.”

Customer: “Are you reeeally sure?”

(I hand him a flyer.)

Me: “Well, I can give you a photo of your liquor. Is that okay?”

Customer: *glares at me and leaves*

(It’s the law that you need to have your ID to be in the liquor store, except for children with parents. A group of young gentlemen come in. Several choose items and carry them to the front. Once everything is on the counter, one of the men steps forward to pay.)

Me: “Hi, guys! I need to see everyone’s ID, please!”

Customer #1: “Why? How old do you think I look?”

Me: “Well, you look like you’re under 25, so I’ll need to see that ID, please. Same goes for everyone else.”

Customer #1: “But I’m the only one buying something. This is all for me.”

Me: “That’s great, but I can’t know for sure that they’re not going to have some since you all carried it to the front. It’s the law that I need to ID everyone. Plus I still haven’t seen your ID.”

(At this point there’s a line of several people forming.)

Customer #1: “Yeah, but I’m the only one buying it.”

Me: “Last chance. I need to see everyone’s ID, please.”

Customer #1: “How old do you think I am? Really.”

Me: “Not old enough to buy liquor. Since you won’t show me your ID, you’re now loitering on the premises. You need to leave the store now.”

Customer #1: “Wait! I’ll show you my ID.”

Customer #2: “I have mine as well!”

Me: “You’ve wasted enough of my time. There are seven people behind you waiting to pay, many of whom have their IDs out and ready. Your other buddies still don’t have their IDs out. I’ve explained to you that I’m required by law to see them, and given you multiple chances to show me. I’ve had enough. Get out.”

Customer #1: “You’re going to lose valuable customers! They’ll fire you!”

Me: “They’re not going to fire me. I’m complying with the law and thereby with store policy. My manager just went outside to write down your license plate number and will be calling the police once she has it. She’s got my back. You need to leave now. Go find another liquor store, and don’t pull this crap with them if you want your beer.”

(A couple of the guys checked outside and saw the manager walking towards their vehicle. They booked it out, and I haven’t seen them since.)