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The Dimmest Thing In The Store

| Right | March 25, 2013

(A customer is standing in front of the sake in a corner of our store. My coworker approaches her.)

Coworker: “Can I help you with anything?”

Customer: “Do you think this sake is, you know, safe to drink?”

Coworker: “I’m sorry, safe to drink? I assume it’s gone through the proper processing procedures.”

Customer: “I mean… was this sake affected by the tsunami that hit Japan?”

(My coworker realizes she’s alluding to the power plants that were hit by the tsunami, and the possibility that the sake is radioactive.)

Coworker: *jokingly* “Well, if you take it home, and it starts to glow in the dark, I’d suggest you don’t drink it.”

Customer: “Oh, okay!”

(My coworker walks away. After a couple of minutes, my manager and I glance over to see the lady cupping the bottle in her hands. She is trying to make it dark enough to see if it will glow in the dark!)

Guessing Is A Whiskey Business

| Right | March 19, 2013

(An elderly customer comes in. I’ve never seen him before in nearly two years of working there.)

Customer: “I’d like a bottle of whiskey, please.”

Me: “Okay, which one would you like?”

Customer: “Well, I don’t know…”

(I step to the side so he has a better view of the whiskey, but he just continues to stare at me. A few seconds pass…)

Me: “Have you decided?”

(The customer becomes irate.)

Customer: “No, I haven’t decided! I was waiting for you to tell me!”

Me: “Pardon?”

Customer: “I was waiting for you to tell me what I want.”

(I start listing the brands and prices for each bottle.)

Customer: “No! I don’t care about any of that! Just tell me what I want!”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir. I’m not sure what size bottle you’re after, or brand, or even how much money you have on you.”

Customer: “USELESS! You lot are supposed to be here to help. I don’t know why I bothered coming here! Every time I come here, you lot never help me! You’re all USELESS!”

(He storms out the shop. I begin to serve the next customer.)

Customer #2: “Well, that was weird! Anyway, I’d like some wine please.”

Me: “Okay, would you like any wine in particular?”

Customer #2: “I don’t know, red wine? Can’t you just tell me what I want?! You’re so useless! WHY WON’T YOU JUST READ MY MIND AND TELL ME WHAT I WANT?! DO I EVEN LIKE RED WINE?!”

(He pretends to storm out the shop. That guy never fails to cheer us up!)

The Grapes Of A Customer’s Wrath

, , | Working | March 12, 2013

(My friend is putting on a New Year’s party, so we’re at a liquor/party store looking for white wine and party hats. She goes to one register while I go to a different one to pay for some cards.)

My Friend: “Just the wine and hats, please.”

Cashier: “ID, please.”

(My friend searches her purse but realizes that she’d left her ID at home after changing wallets.)

My Friend:  Sorry, I don’t have mine. I’ll just buy the hats and get the wine later when I have my driver’s license on hand.”

Cashier: “We can’t sell you any alcohol if you don’t have ID. If you try to use your little fake one at home, we’ll destroy it.”

My Friend: “My ID is real, but at this point, I just want to buy the hats.”

Cashier: “No ID, no alcohol.”

My Friend: “But I don’t want to buy the alcohol now.”

(This goes back and forth for a bit. After I’ve paid for my purchases, I walk over to her register.)

Me: “What’s going on?”

Cashier: “I’ll tell you what’s going on! Your little friend here is trying to get me fired by selling her alcohol with no ID!”

My Friend: “I’ve told her several times after finding out my ID is at home. I just want to buy the hats.”

Me: “But you still won’t sell her the hats?”

Cashier: “No ID, no alcohol.”

Me: “But she’s not wanting to… never mind. Please bring up your manager.”

(The manager comes over, but instead of resolving the situation, the continuous loop of “No ID” and “I just want the hats” keeps going on. My friend is close to crying when I decide I’ve had enough. I’m normally very nice and don’t cause trouble, but I pick up the wine bottle and drop it. The bottle breaks and the wine is everywhere.)

Manager: “You’re paying for that, you little snot!”

Me: “That’s fine. While I’m paying, can I also get these hats that my friend has been trying to buy WITHOUT the wine, I might add, for the last few minutes of this pointless transaction?”

Cashier: “Smarta**!”

(And with that, the cashier finally rang up the hats and the cost of the wine. We never went back there!)

Cold Hard Cash(iers)

| Right | March 5, 2013

(My mother is a cashier at a popular liquor store. I stop by to drop off her lunch. The credit card machines have shut down and the manager is in the back trying to get them running. The employees have let their customers know they will have to pay cash until then. Some customers leave for another store; most went next door to the bank ATM to get cash. One customer, however, isn’t particularly happy about this.)

Customer: “So, you’re telling me I have to walk all the way over to the ATM to get cash?”

(Note: the bank is right next door.)

Mom: “I’m sorry, sir, but the credit card machine is down for the moment. You can go to the ATM or go to another store.”

Customer: *scoffs* “Fine.”

(He leaves the store, and comes back a few minutes later with cash in his hand.)

Customer: “I had to pay three dollars to get money out of that ATM! I better get a discount!”

Mom: “I’m sorry, sir. I don’t have that authority.”

Customer: “I don’t care! I better get one!”

(He picks up a $50 Scotch and returns to my mom’s register; she rings him up.)

Customer: “Hey, you didn’t give me my discount!”

Mom: “Sir, I’m sorry but I can’t give you three dollars off because you made the choice to go to the ATM.”

Customer: “B****, give me three dollars off!”

(The store goes absolutely silent, and everyone is watching the exchange.)

Me: “Don’t talk to my mother that way.”

Mom: “I’ll tell you what I can do.” *takes scotch and puts it under her stand* “I can refuse to sell this to you.”

Customer: “I want to see your manager!”

Mom: “Fine.” *calls manager*

Manager: *comes over* “What’s the problem?”

Customer: “Your employee said, and I quote, “I won’t sell you s***!”

Me: “No, she didn’t!”

Mom: “Sir, I did not use that language towards you.”

Customer #2: “I’m a witness, and she didn’t say that.”

Customer: “I WANT A DISCOUNT!”

Manager: “Sir, leave. Now.”

Customer: “Give me my discount!”

Manager: “If you don’t leave right now I will call the cops.”

Customer: “Fine, call the cops! I don’t care!”

(The manager, Customer #2 and I, pull out our cell phones.)

Customer: “I’m never coming back!” *runs out of the store*

Me: “What was his problem?”

Customer #2: “That guy needs to pull up his skirt.” *smiles at my mom* “I’ll keep coming back for the wonderful customer service, and tough-as-nails cashiers!”

Out Of State, Out Of Mind, Part 2

| Working | February 19, 2013

(I am from Illinois, and I go to visit friends in Austin, Texas. My friend and I attempt to buy a case of beer. We are both 23, so both of legal age to buy alcohol. The clerk asks to see our IDs.)

Clerk: “We can’t accept out of state IDs.”

Me: “Well, I have some other things with my name here, if that helps.”

(Note: Restaurants and such where I live will ask to see a credit card with your name just to compare a signature to the ID for verification.)

Clerk: “No, you’re going to be here you have to get a Texas ID.”

Me: “I don’t live here. I’m only here for the week.”

Clerk: “If you’re going to school here, you have to get proper ID.”

Me: “I don’t go to school here. I’m already finished with college. I’m just visiting.”

Clerk: “You students coming from out of state need to learn if you live here, you need to get ID!”

Me: “I’m not a student here. I live in Chicago. I’ll be going back there in a few days. I. Do. Not. Live. Here.”

Clerk: “You need to get a Texas ID if you’re going to be attending university here!”

(Realizing that we weren’t getting anywhere, my friend and I slowly back away. The clerk was still yelling as we were walking out the door.  We picked up some beer at the grocery store, where they didn’t have any such rule about not accepting valid out of state IDs.)