(I am at the information desk when a customer approaches.)

Customer: “My son tore the plastic covering off this picture book, but we put it back together again.”

(She hands me a picture book with half the plastic jacketing torn off and held in place with at least ten bandaids. The bandaids are attached to the actual cover of the book in some areas where the jacketing is missing.)

Me: “Bandaids?”

Customer: “We didn’t have any sticky tape.”

Me: “Ma’am, we can’t accept this. We can’t loan a book out in this condition.”

Customer: “I fixed it, though.”

Me: “With bandaids. I’ll be entirely honest, if you had just left it we could have re-jacketed the book, but you’ve attached bandaids to the actual cover.”

Customer: “And we fixed the inside, too.”

(I flick through the book to find bandaids holding two lift-the-flap pieces in place.)

Me: “Yeah… I’m going to have to charge you a replacement fee for this one.”

Customer: “Why, though?”

Me: “Because you’ve covered the book in bandaids.”

Customer: “I think it’s fine to read this way.”

Me: “Well, the good news is that once you pay for a damaged item, it’s yours to keep.”

Customer: “I don’t want to keep that! It’s all torn and covered in bandaids!”

Me: “Exactly.”

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(We have a regular library patron who always asks for help researching his book, which is on a topic we all think is rather silly. He never says ‘thank you,’ and he treats the female librarians like dirt, but he likes our boss because he is a man and recently had a book published.)

Patron: “Is Mr. [Boss] in today?”

Me: “I’m sorry; he’s on vacation for a few weeks. Is there something I can help you with?”

Patron: “No, I need Mr. [Boss]. I’m almost finished with my book, and I need him to introduce me to his publisher.”

Me: “I’m afraid that’s not a service the library provides.”

Patron: “I know that, but I thought he might do it to be nice.”

Me: “I’m afraid you don’t know Mr. [Boss] very well. He’s really not that nice.”

(When my boss got back from vacation and I told him this story, he thanked me profusely for saving him from the patron.)

(I’m working the front desk at our local library, with a coworker backing me up. We still use due-date stickers on our books, and sometimes we find these stickers in unusual places.)

Coworker: “Hey, you’ve got a sticker on your foot.”

Me: *looks down to see a due-date sticker on my shoe* “Whoops.” *pulls it off, laughing* “According to this, I’m due tomorrow.”

Coworker: *shocked look* “WHAT?!”

Me: “Um… the due-date sticker? It says I’m due tomorrow.”

Coworker: “Oh! I thought you were talking about some kid saying you must be due tomorrow!”

Me: “Oh… well, I’m not pregnant.”

Coworker #2: *walking out of the back at that moment* “WHAT? Who thinks you’re pregnant?”

Me: “Why does everyone suddenly think I’m pregnant? It’s DUE-DATE, as in books! I’m not THAT fat!”

(For some reason this entire exchange made both of them crack up. All over a due-date sticker…)

(I’m working near the reference desk, when some teens come running in. Three different coworkers spot them and tell them to stop running. They don’t listen. The youth librarian steps in.)

Youth Librarian: “Hey, come over here.”

Teen #1: “I wasn’t running!”

Youth Librarian: “Look, you can stay in here, but be quiet and stop running.”

Teen #1: “But I wasn’t running!”

Teen #2: “Yeah, none of us were.”

Youth Librarian: “Okay, that’s it. You’re banned for the night. You do this again, you’re banned for a week. You keep it up, and I will ban you for a month. GET OUT.”

(The teens leave, still insisting they weren’t running.)

Me: “Did they just say they weren’t running when literally everyone in the room saw them running?”

Coworker: “Yeah. Yeah they did…”

(The small college library I work in has a strict no-phones policy for students; i.e., devices on silent and no voice calls. Unfortunately, we have to remind students about it on an almost daily basis. On this particular occasion, a woman is working on a computer and takes a call on her mobile. I go across to her.)

Me: “Excuse me; you’ll have to take your call outside.”

Student: “Oh, sorry!” *into the phone* “I’m in the library, I’ll just have to go outside…”

(She leaves, but as the library doors and walls are entirely of glass, and she stands in the hall just outside the door to hold her conversation, everybody inside the library can hear her side of it, and it’s clearly a call about a job opening. After a five-minute discussion, she comes back in and calls over to the desk where I’m working:)

Student: “Sorry about that!”

(She then returns to her seat, but soon comes up to my desk.)

Student: “Excuse me, but the students sitting near me are talking and making so much noise that I can’t concentrate.”

Me: *stunned at her brass neck and lack of self-awareness*

Student: “If you could just tell them to be quiet, or ask them to leave…”

Me: “I’ll certainly ask them to be quiet if I hear them making any noise, but I can’t ask them to leave.”

(The students in question were being quiet at that point, although I eventually did need to speak to them, but I couldn’t get over the gall of the woman after having disturbed the entire library with her phone call!)

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