(I’m the misbehaving employee in this story. I tend to be a bit snarky and sarcastic, but I can usually “turn it off” at work. Today, I’m shelving DVDs when a woman pulls a DVD off the shelf, loses her grip on it, and drops it on the floor. The snark just pops out before I can stop it.)

Me: *cheerfully* “You can just set that down anywhere, ma’am.”

Patron: *laughs*

Me: “Oh, my gosh. I’m so sorry. That just popped out of my mouth.”

Patron: “It’s okay! It was funny!”

Me: “Thanks. Sorry, I speak sarcasm as a second language.”

Patron: “We should get you a t-shirt that says that.”

(Thanks for being a good sport about it, lady.)

Me: “I’d like to check these out, please.”

(The librarian looks over the books, stopping at a gay fiction novel.)

Librarian: “Ooh, I didn’t know you were ‘that way.’”

Me: “You didn’t?”

Librarian: “No! Guess I’ll have something new to gossip about at bridge tonight.”

(Just then, the screen behind her switches to a recent local pride event, showing how much money has been raised. I am in the centre of the picture, wearing the exact same rainbow shirt I have on now. I also have blue hair, so I’m quite distinctive.)

Me: “Yeah… I’m pretty sure everyone already knows.”

(I go into the copy room at a research library to find out how much copies cost, so I know how much cash to get over my lunch break. I’m not holding anything at all, and, obviously, I am not about to use the copy machine.)

Patron: *from a table ten feet away* “I’m using that.”

Me: “Oh, okay. I’m just seeing how much copies are.”

Patron: “You can’t use it! I’m using it.”

Me: “Oh, no. I don’t want it now; I just want to find out how much they cost.”

Patron: “I’m making a lot of copies right now, and you can’t use it!”

Me: *having verified the cost and starting to move away* “I don’t have anything to copy right now; I just want to know how much money I need to get.”

Patron: “You can’t use it! I’m using it!”

(I’m a librarian. A woman comes in about 15 minutes before closing and asks for photos of the Trojan War for her fifth-grader to use in a school project. I do some searches and find quite a few, from carvings on urns to paintings to drawings of the Trojan horse, and portraits of Helen of Troy.)

Customer: “But those aren’t real. I need photographs, not pictures of drawings and paintings.”

Me: “I’m sorry; there aren’t any photographs of the Trojan War. It’s a myth, like stories of the Greek gods.”

Customer: “But I need photographs! That’s what the teacher told them they had to have! I don’t want my child to fail this project because you can’t find them.”

Me: “I’m sorry. I’m not explaining this right. The Trojan War was about 4,000 years ago. That’s 2,000 years before Jesus was born. Photographs weren’t invented until the early 1800s, about 200 years ago. So, the Trojan War happened thousands of years before cameras and photographs were invented. That’s why there are no photographs.”

Customer: “The teacher specifically said photographs. Can’t you look again?”

Me: “You know what? I think there was a miscommunication with the teacher. I’m sure if you tell her what I just told you, everything will be fine.”

Customer: *near tears* “But the project is due tomorrow. What if you’re wrong?”

Me: “Tell you what. Why don’t you choose some of these pictures, anyway? I’ll write a note to the teacher explaining why you have them instead of photographs, with my name and phone number in case she has any questions. Teachers usually make exceptions when we explain why we aren’t able to get exactly what they require.”

Customer: “Then, it’ll be your fault instead of mine.”

Me: “Right.”

Customer: “Well, it’s not what I want, but I guess I don’t have a choice.”

(I am just arriving at my workstation at shift change, and I catch the tail end of an irate customer’s complaint to the staff member who I am relieving. I am English, but have been a legal resident in the US for almost 20 years. I have never lost my accent.)

Customer: “…and I called here the other day, and some woman with a British accent answered the phone, and I wonder how those people can even be allowed to work for you!”

Me: *addressing my colleague in my best and most cheerful Princess Diana voice* “Good afternoon, [Colleague], and how are you today?”

Customer: *glares at me and stomps off without another word*