Patron: “Hello! Where can I find your art books?”

Me: “I’ll show you; just follow me.”

The art section is in the back of the library and a little hard to find, so we usually lead patrons there and let them peruse on their own.

Patron: “I’m taking a life drawing class. Do you have any books on that?”

Me: “Not for life drawing specifically, but there are quite a few books on drawing human bodies in general. I’ve found this one to be helpful.”

Patron: “Oh, so you’re an artist, as well?”

I took a community college art class way back in the day where life drawing was involved. The community college couldn’t afford to hire models, so we mostly drew studies of each other, and this is important to note: with clothes on!

Me: “Not really, but I have a little experience from school.”

Patron: “I’m taking a life drawing class. Do you know if you should be naked for it?”

Me: “No, absolutely not. If there’s a hired model, they might undress for the drawing lesson, but you don’t have to participate in any kind of nudity you don’t feel comfortable with.”

Patron: “Well, since you’ve got experience, maybe I can practice on you? Can I have your number?”

This is where I realized that I’d been had and that the seemingly nice patron with the art interest really only wanted to see me naked.

Sometimes, people in general make me very tired.

We’ve had an overhaul of our library system and, as a result, unfortunately, some holds have slipped out of the system. I understand that this is an inconvenience to the patrons, and we have tried to communicate it to the public to the best of our ability, but there is absolutely nothing we can do about it, and some patrons like to blow it way out of proportion.

Patron: “I’m waiting for a book I have on hold. When is it going to come in?”

Me: *Checking the account* “Oh, I’m so sorry. I can’t see any holds on your account. We’ve had a glitch in the library system lately that caused some holds to disappear, so just tell me which book you want and I can put it on hold for you again.”

Patron: “That is completely unacceptable! You had better put me next in line on that book or else!”

Me: “If you would please tell me what book it is, I will see what I can do.”

Patron: “How am I supposed to remember that? I put a hold on that book in February. You should know what book it is; just look it up on your little computer.”

Me: “As I have told you, unfortunately, we had a problem with the system, and some holds don’t show up anymore. I know it’s inconvenient, but there’s really nothing I can do about it. If you know which book you were waiting for, I can put it on hold for you again, but the data on some past holds has unfortunately been lost. I would like to help you, but I can’t do anything about this specific problem.”

Patron: “Well, that’s unacceptable.”

Me: “I agree. I’ve been on the phone with the company that supports the system for days, but apparently, they can’t do anything, either. I’m very sorry. If you remember the book you had on hold and approximately what date you put a hold on it, I will put that in the system for you.”

Patron: “Well, how are you going to compensate me?”

Me: “Pardon?”

Patron: “I think I deserve some kind of compensation for this, don’t you?”

Me: *Completely fed up at this point* “Absolutely.” *Gestures to the room* “Just for you, any one of the books you can find on the shelf today, you get to borrow completely for free and keep for six weeks.”

I’m about nine years old and my mother has brought me to the library to read some books. I’m standing peacefully by a shelf when a girl about my age rounds the corner. She promptly moves into my space.

Girl: *Aggressively* “Are you a Christian?”

I was raised Presbyterian and don’t actually know the word “Christian” because I have never been told that we are part of a larger religion, and it has never come up at school or with my friends. Privilege at its finest, I suppose.

Me: “Um… I don’t know.”

Girl: *Still aggressive* “Do you have Jesus in your heart?”

Me: “Oh! Yes.”

Girl: “GOOD.”

She then walked away, leaving me confused and a little upset. When I told my mother about what had happened, she explained that, yes, our family was Christian. At least I got to learn something thanks to that weird kid.

We have a big family (one mom, five kids) who comes to the library every day, and they each take out the maximum (five) DVDs allowed for an individual. Next, Mom will come up to the desk and ask to place holds on new DVDs from downtown, using each of the kids’ cards to do so.

The next step in this little scam — which she seems to believe will prevent late fees — is to make a big production about how they never go downtown because it’s SO far out of their way. Then, they will return items without the DVDs inside and tell us, “Oh, we got it like that,” despite having watched us open and check each DVD when we checked the item out.

Next, they will come in to take more movies out despite still having five each STILL on their cards and new ones on hold. When we pull up the record, the items are still out.

Every time:

Mom: “Oh, that’s wrong. We took every last one downtown and dropped them in the movie drop last week.”

Boss: “Then we should have them.”

Mom: “Well, they are really slow about getting this checked in, you know.”

Boss: “They aren’t that slow.”

Mom: “You should call them.”

Of course, we do, even though we know our colleagues are NOT going to have the DVDs.

Two or three weeks later, Mom and the kids show up with all the movies and hand them over and are upset when they owe money. 

Boss: “So, did you crawl into the DVD drop bin to get these back?”

Mom: “What?! We never go downtown. Never ever!”

Every darn time!

I was a librarian at a university. I was standing near the information desk, which is staffed by a student worker, when another student walked by dressed from head to toe in a Spiderman costume. This was nowhere near Halloween.

Student Worker: “Did you see him, too?”