The Devil Revils In The Details

| Boston, MA, USA | Uncategorized

Customer: “Can I check out books?”

Me: “Do you have a library card?”

Customer: “Yeah.”

Me: *checks out books* “Okay, you’re all set. These are due back January 15.”

Customer: “But that was 11 months ago!”

Me: “January 15 of 2010, ma’am.”

Customer: “What if I return them NEXT January 15?”

Me: “Then you would owe $365 in overdue fines, ma’am.”

Customer: “But it would still be January 15!”

Urine Way Over Your Head, Part 3

| Edmonton, AB, Canada | Uncategorized

(I am working at the library reference desk. A teen patron approaches.)

Me: “Hi! What can I help you with?”

Customer: *looking away and fiddling with his hair* “Um…do you smoke pot?”

Me: “Uh…no.”

Customer: “See…there’s, like, this test right? And I’m not gonna be able to pass it, so can I like…um…buy your pee?”

Me: “No. That’s not a service we provide here.”

Customer: *slouches off*

Related:
Urine Way Over Your Head, Part 2
Urine Way Over Your Head

Neither A Lounge Recliner Nor A Borrower Be

| Rugby, UK | Top

(I’m on the reference desk on the main floor of our library, when a smartly dressed middle aged woman comes to ask me a question.)

Patron: “Hello, do you only lend books here?”

Me: “No, we also have DVDs, CDs, books on tape, and there are newspapers and magazines but we don’t loan those. Can I help you find something?”

Patron: “There’s a lot of furniture in here.”

Me: “Yes, I suppose there is.”

Patron: “I’d like to borrow a table, please.”

Me: “I’m sorry, but we don’t loan the furniture to people.”

Patron: “It’s for my mother. She’s coming over from Germany next week and she’s a very fussy eater so we need a bigger table. How long can I borrow it for?”

Me: “I’m sorry, but we don’t lend out furnishings. If you’d like, I can find you the number for a company that rents them out. Would that help?”

Patron: “I’m not paying any money! That’s the whole point on lending things. Will one of your staff help me carry it home?”

Me: “No, ma’am, I’m sorry, but we don’t lend out furniture under any circumstances.”

Patron: “But she’s coming from Germany.”

Me: “Well, I’m afraid we can’t lend you a table, but there’s a local company that rents out furniture for parties and–”

Patron: “NO! Table! Now! You just want to keep them for yourselves!”

A Sudden Change Of Heart

| Melbourne, Australia | Uncategorized

Customer:: “Excuse me?”

Me: “Yes, how can I help?”

Customer:: “I was wondering if you had a staff exit I could use.”

Me: “The main exit is just there.” *points at front doors.*

Customer:: “No, I can’t go through your security gates.”

Me: “Why not?”

Customer:: “I have a pacemaker. Walking through those gates will kill me!”

Me: “But you came in through the gates.”

Customer:: “Well, yes, but I didn’t know they were there when I came in!”

Don’t Huff A Book By Its Cover

| Allentown, PA, USA | Uncategorized

(I notice a group of kids come into our library and head back to an unused selection of history books where they are hidden from sight. I go back to ask if they need assistance.)

Me: “Hello, were you looking for anything in particular today?”

Kid: “Uh…we’re fine, just doing a report.” *holds up a book about the county from a few years back*

Me: “Oh, well we have a newer version that you can borrow. It’ll be more accurate.”

Kid: “Well, I like this one. It’ll work fine, thanks.”

Kid’s friend: “Hey, actually do you have an older book?”

Me: “Sure, does this work?”

Kid’s friend: “Yeah, thanks!”

Me: “No problem.”

(I go back and talk to my coworker who promptly gets up and heads over to where the kids are. He comes back a few minutes later.)

Me: “What were they doing anyway?”

Coworker: “They were trying to get high off the old book glue. Lucky that older brand doesn’t work.”

Me: “How’d you get them to leave?”

Coworker: “I told the truth: that most of that dust comes from dead bugs and other people’s skin cells.”