Urine Real Trouble

| VA, USA | Right | April 13, 2015

(One of my jobs at the library is to bill people who damage library books. Three children’s books have been urinated on and reek. As we’ve had problems in the past with people claiming that the library fabricates damages for money, I put my gloves on and snap some pictures of the pee-soaked books. The next day, the customer comes in.)

Customer: “Your coworker says I can’t check out any more books until I pay my fines. Why the heck do I have fines?”

Me: “You returned three of our books damaged with urine and are responsible for replacing those items.”

Customer: *angrily* “I did no such thing! They were just fine when I returned them!”

Me: “Here, let me show you what we found in our book drop.”

(Shows customer pictures of damage as customer gets more agitated with each picture.)

Me: “They are damaged and you are responsible for paying for them.”

Customer: “They were just fine when I put them in your book drop!”

Me: “Are you saying that one of my staff peed on your library books?”

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Will Have To Chew On That Lie For A While

| ID, USA | Right | March 31, 2015

(Our policy is that if a patron returns a book damaged, they pay for it. We get a lot of arguments that “it was like that when I checked it out,” but we check items for damage before they’re checked out.)

Coworker: “I’m sorry; it looks like this book was returned with damage. There’ll be a replacement fee.”

Patron: “I didn’t do it! It was like that before I checked it out!”

Coworker: “Ma’am, this book has been dog-chewed. There’s no way we would check a book out in this condition.”

Patron: “But it couldn’t have been me! I don’t even own a dog!”

(The book in question was a puppy-training manual.)

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Booked For Life

, | Ukraine | Learning | March 12, 2015

(We’ve got a sign in our university’s library saying: ‘Dear readers! When ordering a book, please be considerate enough to try and remember the title and the author, and not just the size and colour!’)

Me: “I’m sorry, do you have ‘the basics of communicative theory’ textbook?”

Librarian: *one whom I’d never seen before, who points at the sign* “Who’s the author?”

(I usually write down the names of authors and exact titles of the books I need so as not to cause trouble to the librarians. I realize I’d forgotten the notebook where I’d written down the author’s name.)

Me: “Erm… It starts with [letter]… and it has a white and green cover…”

Other Librarian: *comes from the back of the library with the book* “Here you are. The author’s name starts with a different letter. You’re lucky we only have one textbook for this course.” *to the other librarian* “Get used to it; those students never change! *points at sign*

Me: “I’m sorry. Thank you.” *walks away ashamed*

Might As Well Search All Of History

, | GA, USA | Learning | January 23, 2015

Student: “Can you help me find a book my professor told me to get?”

Me: “Of course. What is the name?”

Student: “Umm, I don’t remember…”

Me: “That’s fine; do you happen to know the author?”

Student: “No…”

Me: “Oh, well, is it on reserve? What’s your professor’s name?”

Student: “…the class is history?”

Me: “Which history class is it?”

Student: “Um…”

Me: “Okay, well, we’ll try a general search. What’s the book about?”

Student: “I think dead people…?”

Extension Number Two

| AB, Canada | Right | January 21, 2015

(I don’t think this actually was a prank call, but I wish it was. I answer the phone at the library and it’s a regular customer with a history for over sharing with staff…)

Me: “Hi, this is [Library]. How can I help you?”

Customer: “Hi, yes, I need more time with my library books.”

Me: *bringing up her account* “Okay, well, it looks like you’ve already had a couple of extensions…”

Customer: “You don’t understand! I can’t leave the house! I have explosive diarrhea! I can’t leave the toilet! I’m on the cordless!”

(I, noticing that every single book she has checked out are for weird diet fads like the ‘strawberry diet,’ figured her story seemed to check out, and extended her materials before I had to talk to her on the toilet anymore.)

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