CONTENT WARNING: Sexual Language

Our library is being represented at our city pride parade. We have a kiosk at the pride celebration site and we’re offering library memberships and card gained with a simple form plus advertising the fact that we host drag queen reading hours at a time when the government is coming down hard on these for some reason.

As is sadly expected with any pride event, there are the groups of counter-protesters who are going around being offended that it’s legal for this community to be happy. One such group approaches our kiosk, and their leader speaks up.

I try not to get too political, but it should be noted that this leader is a woman wearing a MAGA pin on her jacket.

Protester: “Shame on you! I can’t believe my tax money is paying for you to promote this s***!”

Me: “Well, I’m a volunteer so you’re not paying me at all, really.”

Protestor: “You’re poisoning the minds of our children with this! How am I supposed to explain to my child why this is allowed to happen?”

Me: “I don’t know, how did you tell your child it was allowed for the president to grab them by the p*ssy?”

Protestor: “That… that’s not gay!”

Me: “Got it. So non-consensual sexual abuse is okay because it’s heterosexual? Reading age-appropriate books to children in drag is not okay because… the reader is homosexual? Ma’am, you can just say “because I’m a homophobic bigot” and save yourself using all those words.”

Protestor: “Shame on all of you! You’re all gonna burn in Hell!”

The group of protestors (all of them had the same hairstyle too!) turn away to go try to ruin someone else’s day.

I was a librarian in the pre-Google days.

Customer: “Do you have books on serial killers?”

Me: “We might? What’s the context?”

Customer: “I’m just writing some silly little article, and I need to know who the worst serial killer in the world was.”

Me: *Chuckles* “Hmm, when you say ‘worst serial killer in the world’, I don’t know if that means they were really good at it or really bad at it.”

Customer: *Also chuckles* “That’s a good point!”

One of my duties at the library is to call patrons with overdue items to let them know that said items are overdue. I do this once a week, and leave a lot of voicemails; I’m aware that some patrons recognize the number and let it go straight to voicemail, which doesn’t bother me at all. If anything, it helps me get through the list more quickly.

However, some patrons forget to let their household in on their plan, which I discovered today. I make a call which is answered by a child’s voice, breathless:

Child: “Yes hello?”

Me: “Hi, may I speak to [Patron]?”

Child: “Yeah, jusasec. MOOOOOMMM!”

Patron: *Distantly.* “Just hang up.”

Child: “MOOOOOOMMMMMM!”

Patron: “HANG UP!”

Child: “MMMMOOOOOOOOOOMMMM!”

Patron: “HANG. U–”

Steps, shuffling, click!

I took this to mean she got the message and crossed her off this week’s list. Hey, easily the most interesting call I made tonight!

I work in a small public library where one of my jobs is to walk the floor and help patrons find books or any other resource they need. While working there I start taking medicines that have the unfortunate side-effect of me gaining weight, so a lot of patrons/staff notice, and a few decide they just have to say something about it.

Patron: “Oh, I haven’t seen you in forever, just look at you absolutely glowing!”

Me: “Ah, hi, and thank you. How are you?”

Patron: “I’m doing great, I bet you’re just so excited!”

Me: *Absolutely confused.* “Huh?”

At this point, the patron comes into my personal bubble and stretches her hands out to each side of my stomach.

Patron: “So when are you due? Do you know the sex yet?”

Still shocked I gently grab her hand and then look her straight in the eyes.

Me: “I’m not pregnant, I’m just fat.”

Patron looks mortified, she takes her hands away in an instant.

Patron: “Oh, well…I…I, bye.”

The patron leaves the library and I never saw her again.

Related:
Better Have A Big Fat Apology, Part 12
Better Have A Big Fat Apology, Part 11
Better Have A Big Fat Apology, Part 10
Better Have A Big Fat Apology, Part 9
Better Have A Big Fat Apology, Part 8

I work in a library. A father comes in with his pre-teen son, asking about our history section. The son is browsing books and the father comes up to me.

Father: “My son has a project due about great American battles. He’s not allowed to use the Internet; he has to use books and libraries.”

Me: “Well, we appreciate that! What battle did he need to research?”

Father: “One from the war.”

Me: “Which war?”

Father: “The War.”

Me: “Some people refer to World War Two when they say ‘The War’. Is that what you meant?”

Father: “There was more than one?”

Me: “Uh… yes.” *Swiftly moving on* “Did you know what battle you wanted to cover, or shall I make some recommendations?”

Father: “Oh, give us a good one.”

Me: “Well… I’m not sure I would classify any battle as ‘good,’ but I can recommend some where the United States were the victors.”

Father: *Scoffs* “Yeah, like all of them.”

Me: “Not entirely true, sir. The United States suffered quite a few military losses in World War Two.”

Father: “Not true!”

Me: “I’m afraid so. There was the battle of the Kasserine Pass, numerous battles in the Pacific region with the Japanese, not to mention Pearl Harbor—”

Father: “But… America won in Pearl Harbor!”

Me: “I can absolutely assure you, sir, that the United States lost spectacularly in that battle.”

Father: “Bulls***! America has never lost a battle in history! We’re undefeated!”

Before I can respond, the father’s son comes up with a book he has chosen by himself.

Son: “Come on, Dad. I want this one.”

He has selected a book on the Vietnam War — so I guess the assignment wasn’t specific to World War Two.

Father: “Good! Another war that we won!”

They borrow the book and head out, and I then relay the encounter to a coworker.

Me: “I want to be there when he finds out about Vietnam.”

Coworker: “Don’t bother. When they’ve been exposed to that much ‘copium’ in their life, I wouldn’t be surprised if he thought Vietnam surrendered after one day and it’s now a State.”

Me: “That’s an awfully specific turn of events.”

Coworker: “Sadly talking from experience over here.”