Failing The First Test

, , , , , | Right | July 4, 2019

(A customer walks up to the counter.)

Me: “Hello, what can I do for you today?”

Customer: “I’d like to sell this phone for cash.”

Me: “Okay. Let’s get you the price and then book it in to be tested.”

(Moments pass during said process.)

Me: “All right, I just need to get a time from my tester, and then you can come back to pick this up in a little while. I just need you to sign this consent form…”

(The customer signs it and then waits.)

Me: “Is there anything else I can help you with? You’re free to go now.”

Customer: “Yes, I’m waiting for my money.”

Me: “We can only give you that after your phone passes all of the tests.”

Customer: “But it works. Can I not just have the money now, and I’ll come and sign the agreement later?”

Me: “But we don’t know that your phone does everything that it’s supposed to.”

Customer: “It does, though. Why would I lie?”

Me: “…”

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The Biggest Crime Is Thinking Chow Mein Is Japanese

, , , , | Legal | July 3, 2019

(A Windows scammer had been calling me every ten minutes for the past hour.)

Scammer: “Your Windows server is broken; we need some information to fix it.”

(I panic and start thinking of what to say. I am fed up with this guy and don’t want him to call again.)

Me: “Hiyaah!”

Scammer: “Hello?”

Me: “Hiyaah!”

(I see a restaurant menu on the table, and start listing Chinese menu items in the most garbled voice I can manage.)

Scammer: “What language are you speaking?”

Me: “Chow mein?” *exaggerated, then more garbled gibberish*

Scammer: *in the background* “Help, I think I’ve got Japan… What do I do?”

Background: “Hang up, hang up!”

(I didn’t hear from him again.)

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Chicken Soup Works, As Seen On TV!

, , , , | Right | July 1, 2019

(I work at a rehabilitation facility. The set up of the facility is a community-based one, and is an office, which previously was a residential dwelling. The houses that our clients live in are also regular houses that were previously neighbouring properties until the organisation bought them. Therefore, our houses’ landline numbers end up being contacted often by scam calls. This is hilarious for a number of reasons, given that our client population have all experienced severe traumatic brain injury, and while very independent in some areas of their lives, there are some concepts about the world they just cannot grasp. Scam calls are one. The one doing the rounds at our site at the moment happens to be the good old “your computer has a virus.” While the staff at the office usually deal with this call by immediately hanging up — a tragic missed opportunity in my view — sometimes the clients get these calls, instead. I just happen to be coming into one of the houses to help out one of the clients when I notice him fiddling around behind the television. I notice him on the phone, which he puts down when I come in.)

Me: “What are you doing?”

Client: “My device has a virus.”

(I note he is putting blankets all over the TV cables.)

Client: “Well, if it has a virus it must be sick, so I thought blankets would keep it warm and make it feel better.”

(He also needed to be persuaded that chicken soup did not work on TV devices. I am mostly thankful he had no ingredients to attempt to prepare this concoction, or after staff leaving he may have tried this. We did keep a close eye on him and his “Sick TV,” though! Another house receiving a similar call with another client a few weeks later responded with the glorious, “Okay, but what is a computer?” Another client, again in a different house, ended up hanging up on the scammer by pulling the cord for the phone from the wall, thinking that this was “rebooting the modem,” and then, while recalling the event to staff, reported, “I must have fixed the issue, because they hung up and haven’t called back.” I am holding out for when they try the office again and I get to answer. This website has given me so many pro tips!)

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This Turned Around In A Dash  

, , , , , | Legal | July 1, 2019

(I work second shift, so I get home around 1:00 am. It’s summer, so there’s no school, but teens still have a city curfew of 11:00 pm. I’m turning left onto my street after work, and I almost hit a teen who was crossing the street behind a stopped car, who I didn’t see until I was almost on top of him. Mr. Big Man flips me off, which I see in my rearview mirror. He must’ve watched which driveway I pulled into, because I get an unexpected visit the next morning at 9:00 am, when I’m pulled out of bed by a knock. I open the door, half asleep, to see a cop and the boy standing at my door.)

Cop: “Good morning. Is that your car outside?”

Me: “Yeah.”

Cop: “Did you hit this boy with that car last night?”

Me: “No.”

Teen: “She’s lying! Arrest her!”

Cop: *to the teen* “Shush.” *to me* “He says you did. How about we go to the station and get this cleared up?”

(The teen starts looking quite smug.)

Me: “Sure. Should I also bring along the dash cam video that shows this minor out after curfew, crossing the street in a dark area, and staring down at his phone the entire time, up until I almost hit him?”

(The teen’s smug face drops. The cop studies me for a couple of seconds, and then just gives me a single nod.)

Cop: “Thank you, that won’t be necessary. When my dear nephew here—“ *raises his hand to grasp the back of the teen’s neck* “—told me a car practically ran him off the road, I figured I’d better look into it. But I believe you, and I’ll make sure he has plenty to do to stay busy until school resumes. Have a nice day, miss.”

(They left, the cop still holding tight to his nephew’s neck, while the boy started begging his uncle to NOT tell Mom or his grandparents about this. Good luck, kid!)

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Not Quite A Top-Shelf Plan

, , , , | Right | July 1, 2019

(There is a young male customer who thinks he is being clever. He takes two more expensive items from a shelf and puts them on a different shelf with similar but cheaper items. We saw him carrying the items around earlier. This is when he comes to grab me for “assistance.”)

Customer: “Excuse me!”

Me: “Yes, sir, how can I help you?”

(The customer leads me over to the shelf and does a motion with both arms to the whole thing, trying to draw attention away from items he misplaced.)

Customer: “Everything here… is all the same price… right?”

(I take one glance and see the items out of place and reach for them.)

Me: “Everything but these two items, sir.”

(I remove them and hold the items in my hand; he looks dejected and cornered.)

Customer: “O-oh… but… you still have to honor that price, right?”

(At this point, I realize he put them there on purpose, and his whole point in bringing me over was to get an employee to admit that those items were cheaper so he could try and get the price that way from a manager. I turn and look him square in the face.)

Me: “No, sir. Not during the holidays. Customers tend to get things misplaced in this hectic time and the price is…”

(I scan the items and give him the real price of the items.)

Customer: “Oh… yeah, I was wondering, ‘cause… Yeah.”

Me: *still looking into his face* “Mhm. Is there anything else I can help you with, sir?”

Customer: “No… no, I’m good.”

(I then nodded politely and left him be, letting our asset protection team know to keep an eye on him.)

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