If Anyone Is Gonna Get A Virus…

, , | Legal | May 21, 2019

Me: “Hello?”

Scammer: “Hello, I am calling from the computer network office. Your computer has been receiving multiple error messages, due to downloading viruses from the Internet that are harmful to your computer.”

Me: “Oh, no! How’d that happen?!”

Scammer: “Your computer has downloaded viruses from the Internet. If you are near your computer, I can help you block and purge the viruses.”

Me: “What do I need to do?”

Scammer: “Ma’am, I need you to go to your computer, and hit [key sequence].”

Me: “Okay!”

Scammer: “Okay, ma’am, please tell me what you see on your computer screen.”

Me: “All my files.”

Scammer: “No, ma’am, I need you to push [key sequence] and tell me what appears on your screen.”

Me: “Okay!”

Scammer: “Ma’am, what do you see on your computer screen?”

Me: “My files.”

Scammer: “Ma’am, what files are these?”

Me: “P*rn.”

Scammer: “…”

Me: “My husband and I are amateur p*rnography filmmakers. We post our homemade videos online. They usually star us and our friends.”

Scammer: *hangs up*

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A Pie In The Sky Orders

, , , | Right | May 20, 2019

(I work in a fast food chain that’s popular in the south. We have a dessert menu with two kinds of pies: apple and lemon. A customer comes to the drive-thru speaker and I listen on my headset as my coworker takes his order.)

Customer: “Uh, yeah, I didn’t receive my peach pie in my bag yesterday, and I’d like a fresh, free one.”

(We haven’t served peach pies in years. This guy has tried scamming us before, so my coworker decides to have some fun with this.)

Coworker: “Um, are you sure it was a peach pie?”

Customer: “Positive.”

Coworker: “You sure it wasn’t a banana pie?”

Customer: “Oh, yeah, yeah! That was it!”

Coworker: “All right, pull around to the window.”

(The customer pulls around to the window, and my coworker opens the window with a smirk on his face.)

Coworker: “Do you have your receipt with you?”

Customer: “Nope, I lost it.”

Coworker: “All right, one pineapple pie coming up.”

Customer: “Thank you! I can’t believe you guys forgot my pineapple pie! Are you guys always this incompetent?”

(My coworker decides to break the unfortunate news.)

Coworker: “Sir, we haven’t served peach, banana, or pineapple pies in over a year, so we couldn’t have forgotten it because you never ordered it. Nice try, though.”

(The customer’s face gets red and he speeds out of the drive-thru.)

Manager: “People will do anything for free food these days.”

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Bet You Dollars To Donuts They Will Complain

, , , , | Working | May 19, 2019

(I work at a popular donut chain in this state in one of the very few without a drive-thru. Most of the stores close at eight, but have a drive-thru open until midnight or later. I get a phone call ten minutes before eight.)

Caller: “How late are you open until?”

Me: “Doors lock at eight.”

(The caller then promptly hangs up. As it’s getting close to closing, I start going through the counts and moving most of the racks and pots to the cleaning station. At eight, I go and lock the doors and shut off the lights. Thirty minutes later, as I’m bringing the leftover donuts to the dumpster, I almost get taken out by an SUV. The driver and passenger get out and run to the door. I take a picture of them, holding my watch up so the time can be seen, as well, because I’m pretty sure this is going to be a complaint.)

Driver: “Are you f****** kidding me?! That b**** said they were open! Why are the d*** doors locked?!”

Passenger: “This is an injustice! We’ll have her job with this one!”

(They haven’t noticed me at the dumpster, and they tear out of the parking lot. The next morning, the owner is in the store and pulls me into this office.)

Owner: “So, I heard you closed the store down early and laughed in a customer’s face while they were politely trying to ask you if they could just get a coffee and sandwich.”

Me: “That’s ridiculous.”

Owner: “The man said he called at five and asked if you were open, and they showed up at six and you’d locked the doors in his face.”

Me: “First of all, the only call I got was at 7:50, and the people didn’t show up until 8:30; they were making all sorts of noise and being all sorts of rude.”

Owner: “Do you have any proof of that? At this point it’s your word against his.”

(I pulled up the picture I took showing my watch and the customers. The owner shrugged and I went to start my shift, without an apology, and I left two weeks later because if he wasn’t going to have my back in that situation or admit a customer could have been wrong, I didn’t need that job.)

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People In Minimum Wage Jobs Are Ironically In It For The Money

, , , , | Working | May 17, 2019

(I’ve worked at a large-scale pet store chain for several years. It’s before opening and we’re having a meeting in the back.)

Manager: “I have a big surprise! I’ve been given permission to give out a special raise to whoever proves themselves most worthy. I’m not going to say how much it is, but trust me, it’s worth it. You’ll get a set amount of money each week.”

(She goes on for several minutes about all the things we could buy with this raise, painting the picture like it’s life-changing. Everyone seems quite excited, and I, a poor college student, am desperate to get this raise. For the next several weeks, I volunteer to do the least favorable jobs, like cleaning the cages and accidents made by dogs brought to the store. I put in for hours that no one wants, like the closing shift where we have to clean at the end of the night. All seems well, and I believe I’m going to get the raise. I’m called into the manager’s office about a month after the announcement.)

Manager: “So, [My Name]. I’ve noticed you’ve been working really hard the last month or so.”

Me: “Yes, ma’am. I’ve been trying my hardest.”

Manager: “Uh-huh. I don’t like suck-ups, [My Name].”

Me: “Excuse me?”

Manager: “I know you’re only working hard for the raise, and I know that you’re just a lazy piece of s*** who wants to get your grubby little hands on the extra cash.”

Me: *stunned silence*

Manager: “But not everyone saw through your plan, so the raise is yours via my boss. Here’s the money for this week. Enjoy it, pig.”

(She slides a check over on the table and gives me a death glare. I grab the check and quickly walk out of the room, making a beeline for the bathroom. I sit in the bathroom for about five minutes, crying, as I’m sleep deprived and emotional from not only balancing work and college, but working the extra hours and later shifts the last month. I power through the rest of my shift, which is only about thirty minutes, and am just leaving when I happen to run into my manager’s boss, which isn’t unusual, as he often hangs around our store. I know him somewhat personally, as he’s friends with my father.)

Manager’s Boss: “Are you okay, [My Name]? Your eyes are red.”

Me: “Yeah, I’m fine. Thank you for the raise. I really needed it.”

Manager’s Boss: “You sure you’re okay?”

Me: *on the verge of tears again* “It’s just that [Manager] called me a lazy piece of s*** and a pig because I got the raise.”

Manager’s Boss: “SHE DID WHAT? Go home, [My Name]. I’m taking care of this.”

(Worried, I go home. I haven’t had time, so I look at the check. It’s only for two cents a week. I call my manager, as with the way she described it, it must have been more.)

Manager: “WHAT?”

Me: “Uh… I’m sorry to bother you… It’s just that the check that you gave me… is, um… just for two cents. I think it was a typo.”

Manager: *smug* “Oh, so you were just doing it for the money, huh?”

Me: *fed up* “All right, you want to know the truth? I’m a poor college student barely making minimum wage. I have to skip meals because I can’t afford to eat. So, yeah, I’m mostly in it for the money. Happy, b****?”

Manager: *click*

(I come in the next day and am not surprised to be called into my manager’s office. I expect to be fired, and I really regret what I said. I’m surprised to find my manager and her boss in the office as I take a seat.)

Manager’s Boss: “So, ladies. What’s the issue?”

Manager: “She called me a b****.”

(Her boss doesn’t even flinch.)

Me: “I was trying to call because the check she gave me was for two cents. She called me a pig. I’m sorry for losing my temper, ma’am.”

Manager’s Boss: “Don’t apologise, [My Name]. That check was for $30. What the h***, [Manager]?”

(My manager turned bright red and began to stutter. Apparently, the manager had been taking cuts from bonus checks. We had to call the police to escort her from the property. We got a new, much better manager, and I got my bonus. I quit the next year when I was offered a better job.)

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Examining Your Examination Technique

, , , , | Learning | May 17, 2019

(I am teaching multiple sections of a class, and there is a common time assigned for all sections to take exams. Some people have been allowed to register for another class that meets at that exam time, so I arrange to give them the exam as a separate group just before the main exam period. After giving the exam to the small group, I notice that one exam contains a name that doesn’t look familiar. I check our online homework system, and the name is there, too. However, the name has never been listed on the class roster. After contacting the company that runs the homework system, I have the following exchange with one of my students.)

Me: “I’ve noticed that your homework account logs in, gives the correct response to every question on the first try, and then logs out within five minutes.”

Student: “I know the material very well.”

Me: “I’ve noticed a different account that immediately chooses the ‘give up and see the solution’ option for all questions, logs out, and then your account logs in one minute later. For every assignment.”

Student: “It’s a coincidence.”

Me: “The other account has the same IP address as yours.”

Student: “Someone must be stealing my WiFi.”

Me: “During breaks, your account switches to an IP address in [Hometown]. The other account’s IP address changes to the same one at the same time.”

Student: “They must be spoofing it.”

Me: “The company says that this other account was paid for with the same credit card as your account.”

Student: “They stole my credit card information.”

Me: “You are part of the early exam section. Somebody handed in an exam with the same name as this account then, and one with your name was submitted during the regular section.”

Student: “I just decided to come to the big section that week. I have no idea about the other exam.”

(Obviously, I failed this student, and he promptly appealed the decision to my department head. Then to the dean’s office. Then to the university committee. Then to the provost. I spent two months on hearings, summaries, and rebuttals which were a waste of everybody’s time. The student retook the class, graduated, and went on to medical school!)

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