Won The Prize For Worst Scam

, , , , | Right | November 13, 2017

(A guy running a Facebook page contacts our company asking if we can provide some free stuff for a “competition.” We ask what the competition is supposed to be, and tell him that we would be willing to consider it if they agree to display our logo on all competition-related links and images, and have a link to our social media pages in the posts. He ignores our questions and does not acknowledge any of our terms, so we are suspicious, especially as his Facebook Group is closed and we are having trouble seeing any of his content, despite sending a request to have access to the group.)

Me: “You haven’t answered any of our questions yet; what is this competition supposed to be?”

Scammer: “All of our members have the chance to hit like and share, and then we pick someone at random to receive the prize. Everyone in the group is local, so you can be sure that they will get the prize.”

Me: “If we are sending a prize out, we will send it directly to the winner using a tracked service so that we know it got there. Is there a reason why you are running this competition and want us to sponsor you?”

Scammer: “Nah, no need. I already told you everyone lives locally. Just send it to [address] and we will take it directly to the winner.”

Me: *now really suspicious* “Part of our terms of sponsoring this competition are that we send it directly to the winner, and you still haven’t told us why you are running this and want us to sponsor you.”

Scammer: “Our group has been a bit dead lately, and I just wanted to get the activity going again and remind everyone that our group is still active. I don’t think that our members will be happy giving you their address to send stuff. Our other sponsors have always agreed to send the stuff to the admins first so that they can get a bit, too, after the effort of organising it.”

Me: “Sorry, but we are not interested.”

Scammer: “What? Why not?”

Me: “You are asking us to send you over £100 of stuff for free, not answering any of our questions or agreeing to any of our reasonable terms. Whoever this ‘winner’ is will not even get everything we send out as, apparently, the admins will be taking a slice, too. We do not operate this way, and this is not a group we wish to work with.”

(The guy went ballistic as he had apparently already posted on his group that this competition was happening and had already been receiving his likes and shares for entries. Giving away over £100 was something we were bound to do, apparently. He went away for a few months, then came back again today, asking again if we would be interested in sponsoring a competition he was running, and seemed to have forgotten entirely what happened before.)

Called Them Via God

, , , , , , | Working | November 11, 2017

(My mom is driving down the street when she witnesses a car accident. She gets out to see if the drivers are okay. [Driver #1] seems okay, but [Driver #2] seems a little dazed.)

Mom: *to [Driver #2]* “Are you okay? Would you like me to call an ambulance to have you checked out?”

Driver #1: “I’m a nurse. She’s fine.”

Mom: “We should at least call the police and file an accident report.”

Driver #1: “This is a company car. I’m a home healthcare nurse, and I’m on duty. I can’t have an accident in a company car! Don’t call the ambulance! She’s fine!”

Mom: “Okay.”

(My mom then goes back to her car and calls our church, which is nearby. She asks the church secretary to call an ambulance to come check out [Driver #2], which comes within a few minutes.)

Driver #1: “Did you call the ambulance?!”

Mom: “No, I did not.”

They Can Hop Right To You

, , , , , | Right | November 11, 2017

(I’m taking tickets at the theater. It’s Friday night, so it’s very crowded. As I’m taking tickets, a teenager with a skateboard casually walks past the line, then ducks under the rope and bolts down the hallway, disappearing into one of the theaters.)

Customer: “That guy just snuck past you!”

Me: “I know. Here’s your ticket. Your theater is on the left.”

(He takes his ticket, but stops behind me so he can talk to me while not holding up the line.)

Customer: “Aren’t you going to stop him?”

Me: “I’d chase after him, but then there’d be nobody to help the rest of you get to your movies.”

Customer: “I suppose more people would sneak in, too.”

Me: “That, too. Besides, I’ll catch him once the line dies down and I can get somebody to man the station.”

Customer: “You’re going to find him in a dark theater?”

Me: “I have my ways.”

(I clear the line, signal for one of the other ushers to take over the ticket station for me, and head into the theater. I find the guy immediately. Theater hoppers almost always hide in the back row, even though it makes them stand out if the theater isn’t full, especially since the seats are brighter since they’re closer to the ceiling lights. Not only do I find him, but he’s sitting directly under one of said lights, as if highlighted by a spotlight, with his skateboard resting on the chair next to him.)

Me: “Can I see your ticket, please?”

Theater Hopper: “Uh, I threw it away.”

Me: “Let’s go.”

Theater Hopper: “How’d you find me?”

Me: “Trade secret.”

Your Attempt At Free Food Is Toast

, , , , , | Right | November 10, 2017

(I work at a diner, which is part of a national chain. Our restaurant is located about a quarter-mile from one of the major cross-country interstates, so we get a lot of truckers and a lot of to-go orders. I am a hostess, but I am usually the one to take to-go orders, because they rarely tip and I’m not getting the reduced wage for tipped employees. This guy has called in for a sandwich and fries.)

Me: “Good evening. Welcome to [Diner]. Table for one?”

Customer: “No, I called in a to-go order for [Customer].”

Me: “Oh, yes, sir. I took the order and I just saw them put it in the window, so let me get that for you.”

(I go get his order from the pass-through window by the kitchen and put it in a bag with napkins and condiments.)

Me: “Okay, that’s a [Sandwich] with fries, and I’ve put ketchup, salt and pepper, and some napkins in the bag. Is there anything else I can get for you?”

(Up to now, this has been completely normal, but while I am saying this, he opens up the styrofoam box and starts poking at the food.)

Customer: “Go get me a manager.”

(I try to get him to tell me what was wrong, but all he says is to get a manager. Fortunately, the manager on duty notices that the transaction isn’t proceeding smoothly and comes over, so I don’t have to walk away from the register and leave him with the packaged but not paid-for food.)

Manager: “Sir, is there a problem?”

Customer: *poking at the sandwich* “This has been sitting under the lights forever. Look, the bread is all hard and crunchy!”

Manager: “Sir, [Sandwich] comes on toasted bread. It’s crunchy because that’s what happens to bread when you toast it.”

Me: “And it wasn’t sitting! They put it in the window while you were between the two doors in the entry!”

Manager: “If you wanted it on untoasted bread, we can remake it, but please remember to say that, next time.”

Customer: “And these fries are too hot! I could have hurt myself.”

(Yes, he has totally ignored what we said about the bread.)

Manager: “Well, I suppose that’s a problem that will correct itself while we’re remaking the sandwich, won’t it?”

Customer: “I eat at [Diner] restaurants all across the country, and it’s always terrible!”

Manager: “Then why do you keep coming back?”

(Sorry, buddy, your transparent attempt to bully us into free food won’t be working tonight!)

Cannot Perceive The Depth Of Their Stupidity

, , , , , , , | Right | November 10, 2017

(I work in a small store with a pharmacy in the back. As a veteran employee, my store manager occasionally leaves me in charge while she runs short errands. It’s just before lunch time, and the store is dead, so my manager leaves to get decorating supplies for the summer season. A little while later, a woman comes limping in with a companion, and comes straight up to the front desk where I am. Note that our store is in an area with a BIG shoplifting problem, where other stores have had to shut down just from the theft alone.)

Me: “Hello! How can I help you today?”

Customer: “I want to return these.”

(She pulls two identical pairs of brand-new over-the-counter reading glasses out of her purse, which retail at $25 each, our most expensive variety.)

Me: “All right, do you have your receipt?”

Customer: *glares at me*No! I bought these just last month! When I put them on I started seeing double and fell down the stairs! I have been in the hospital for three weeks with a broken foot! The doctor told me the glasses made me develop a condition called ‘Depth Perception!’ I could have died! You should be ashamed of yourself for selling faulty glasses like that!”

(She begins leaning on her companion for physical support and moaning in pain.)

Me: *struggling to not make a face at the customer’s “diagnosis”* “I see, ma’am. Let me get a scanner and look at your purchase.”

(I bring over an internal scanning unit and check the UPC number on the glasses. Not only have we not sold any for the last six weeks, but we don’t carry this particular type of glasses. However, the store down the road does. I excuse myself, saying I need to verify the current price of the glasses for the customer, and walk back to the pharmacy so I’m out of earshot. I call [Neighbor Store], which is two miles away, and they confirm they are missing several pairs of these glasses. Since my manager is out of the store, I make a judgement call and return to the front. All of this has taken five minutes. When I get back, the customer has dragged a chair over from our photo department and sat down at my register.)

Customer: “Well, finally! We’ve been waiting forever!”

Me: “I apologize, ma’am. Unfortunately, it looks like we don’t carry this item. You will have to return them to the store you purchased them from.”

Customer: “I got them at [Neighbor Store]. Your company policy says I can return them anywhere!”

(The customer moans in pain, rubbing her upper calf. I notice this is the opposite foot from the one she indicated when she came in the store.)

Me: “Yes, ma’am. That’s true for the items carried by all our stores. For items carried by select stores, those items must be returned to a store that carries the merchandise, so they can either resell the items or receive credit from the vendor. If I accept this refund, we can neither sell the item, nor return it for credit, as it’s not recognized by our system.”

Customer: “I can’t go all the way down there! I have a broken foot! I can’t even drive right now! My neighbor brought me here and we don’t have the gas to get to the other store!”

(As she says this, she’s groaning in “distress.”)

Me: “I really am sorry, ma’am. Even if I could return these glasses, without a receipt, I would have to give you store credit, and I don’t have access to the cards to do that at the moment.”

Customer: *suddenly livid, no longer faking an injury* “WHERE’S YOUR MANAGER?! I WANT TO TALK TO YOUR MANAGER!”

Me: “She stepped out of the store for a few minutes, but she should be back shortly. Would you like to wait outside for her? You can leave the glasses here, if you like; that way, if she can override the refund, we can do it without you even getting out of the car again.”

(At this point, I’m just stalling for time. I know there’s no way in heck my manager is refunding these. The customer obviously thinks she’s going to win the argument when the manager returns.)

Customer:Fine! I’ll leave them here. Make sure no one takes them. I’m already going to sue you guys for my hospital bills.”

(She hobbles out of the store in a very exaggerated fashion, leaning on her neighbor. I move the glasses behind the counter where the customer will not be able to reach them. About ten minutes later, my manager comes back. The customer ambushes my manager while she’s still on the sidewalk.)

Customer:You! You need to fire that worthless cashier! She won’t refund my glasses!”

(She gives her entire explanation again, including the doctor diagnosing her with “Depth Perception.”)

Manager: “Did you forget that I filed a criminal trespass against you for shoplifting? You aren’t allowed to be anywhere on the property, including the parking lot. Go away, or I’m having you arrested.”

Customer: “BUT SHE STILL HAS MY GLASSES! GIVE THEM BACK TO ME OR I’LL SUE YOU INTO THE POOR HOUSE!”

Manager: “You mean the glasses that [Neighbor Store] has you on camera shoving in your purse before walking out the front door? No. We’ll be keeping those as evidence. I look forward to seeing you at the trial.”

(The customer keeps trying to argue, so my manager takes out her cell phone and dials the police, showing the customer the screen. The customer then takes off RUNNING and gets into her car, speeding out of the parking lot. The manager comes back into the store.)

Me: “How did you know she stole them? I just had a suspicion. I was waiting for you to come back and shut her down.”

Manager: “She came in last week, and the week before, with the exact same story. It was literally word for word what she just told me now. Plus, she’s been going around to three of our stores in a ten-mile area and doing the same thing.”

Me: “You know, if she’d bothered to look up an actual medical condition, I might have believed her. I mean, almost everyone has depth perception. It’s why we have two eyeballs!”

Manager: “Well, you can’t accuse her of a lack of creativity. Most people just claim the stolen goods were something their ‘grandma bought and no longer needs.'”

(This was over three years ago, and we still laugh about it. The customer was later arrested and found guilty of felony theft. Apparently, she didn’t learn her lesson and kept at it until someone caught her again.)

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