I work at a regional fast food joint as a cashier-slash-maker of shakes and other cold treats. We have a customer come up and demand our manager. When he comes over, she gives her complaint.

Customer: “I want another burger and a refund; I found a hair in my [Signature Burger]!”

She holds up a strand of blond hair from the burger.

The manager makes a slow, deliberate glance at me with my solidly dark red hair and the other cashier with frizzy black hair. Then, he steps aside so the customer can see the grill where our two cooks with their shaved heads are working on an order as he runs his hand over his close-clipped brown hair.

Manager: “Ma’am, do you notice anything about our employees?”

Customer: “What are you talking about? I want a refund and another burger!”

Manager: *Tersely* “Ma’am, the only blonde here is you. That hair belongs to none of our employees. I am not giving you a refund or a replacement.”

She looked like she was going to argue but apparently thought better of it, as she grabbed what was left of her meal and left in a hurry.

Related:
Hair Apparent, Part 2
Hair Apparent

While a full-time student in college, I was a full-time employee at a beef packing company. I worked the second shift, one of over 400 employees per shift.

At the time of this story, I was running a rib and plate saw that was at the beginning of the conveyor. The meat was processed and then vacuum packed, put in labeled boxes, and palletized at the back of the plant. From there, pallets were either forklifted to coolers or loaded into reefers. Palletizing was always getting backlogged, with boxed beef stacked on rollers waiting to be put on the pallets.

We were paid for eight hours, but we saw boys usually finished in six. Because we were the first to finish, we were always sent back to help catch palletizing up. Because I wasn’t getting paid extra for the time spent back there and I had to get home and to bed for my 7:30 class, it was getting really irritating. I eventually came up with what I thought was a workable plan that would keep palletizing from getting behind and keep me from being sent back there.

Me: *To my foreman* “How about sending half of palletizing to supper thirty minutes ahead of the rest of the plant? Then, when we go to supper, they will have that amount of time to catch up since the chain is shut down and nothing is coming their way.”

Foreman: “I will take that to the plant superintendent.”

A couple of days later:

Foreman: “The super said that was like putting a bandaid on cancer; it won’t solve the problem.”

Me: “Well, it would at least help until someone finds a solution, but okay.”

The next week’s half of palletizing was sent to supper thirty minutes ahead of the plant. And I found out that my foreman got a bonus for HIS bright idea.

All I could think was, foreman, you are stuck here until you retire. After I graduate from college, I’m leaving. At least I didn’t have to go back there anymore.

My phone rings and the number comes up on my display.

Me: “Hello?”

Caller: *In English* “Hello, I’m calling from Europol. Your ID documents are involved in a crime, and in order to avoid criminal charges, I need you to follow my instructions.”

Europol, the European Union Agency for Law Enforcement Cooperation, is headquartered in the Netherlands.

Me: “If you’re from Europol, why are you calling from a German mobile number?”

Caller: *Click*

Strangest scam call ever.

I am serving a customer. One of our regulars is behind him.

Customer: “You’re taking too long to make my coffee!”

Me: “Sorry, sir. It’s a complicated order and I want to get it right.”

Customer: “Complicated?! A monkey could make it! Stop whining and hurry up! I’m late for a very important meeting! I’m a lawyer!”

I am hurrying as fast as I can. I hand him his drink and he takes a sip straight away. He ordered it extra hot, so I would not recommend this!

Customer: “This just burned my tongue! Didn’t you hear I was a lawyer?! I’m going to sue you and this place unless you make me another drink and get it right this time!”

At this point, my regular steps in.

Regular: “Oh, you’re a lawyer, too? What firm?”

Customer: “None of your business!”

Regular: “Oh, I’m just curious. You said twice, quite loudly, that you’re a lawyer. Me, too! Actually, I represent this store. Therefore, I’d like to know what firm you represent, just in case there are any conflicts of interest with existing cases.”

Customer: “Um…”

Regular: “As I am sure you’re aware — of course, you are; you’re a lawyer — that impersonating a lawyer or anyone within the legal system is a crime and can carry with it quite a hefty sentence.”

Customer: “Well… I…”

Regular: “So, what firm?”

The customer stares at my regular for a moment and then at me, and then, he suddenly decides his drink is okay and storms off with it.

Me: “Thanks, [Regular]! Although, unless you graduated and didn’t tell me, aren’t you only a law student?”

Regular: “One of the first things they teach you in law school: it’s not about what you know, it’s about what you can prove.”

His drink was on the house that day.

Related:
Just Lawyered Yourself, Part 3
Just Lawyered Yourself, Part 2
Just Lawyered Yourself

I manage websites and recently one client faxed me some handwritten copy to add to the news section of his site.

In the article, he laid into a rival company that had recently appeared in court and been acquitted of supplying faulty goods. Describing the company as “cheats” who got off because “their sleazy lawyers lied” was one of his milder claims.

Me: “I’ve read your copy and I have some concerns. Under the ‘contentious content’ clause of our contract, I’m going to hold off on putting this on the website until your lawyers approve it.”

Client: “Fine! I’ll put them in touch.”

Later that day, I got an email from his lawyers asking for a copy of the article in question. I sent it, and twenty minutes later, I got their response. It turns out that his lawyers were the same that had defended his rival company.

Client’s Lawyer: “We have considered the copy you forwarded to us regarding a recent court case in which we successfully defended one of our clients against a wholly false claim of supplying defective goods. We have advised [Client] that his article is, in our opinion, factually flawed, libelous, and unsuitable for publication, and we are consequently unable to indemnify it in line with your contract.”

Client’s Lawyer: “Please note that we no longer act for [Client] in any capacity.”

When I wrote the client to tell him that his (former) lawyers said that he should IN NO WAY have this article published, he wrote me back.

Client: “Run it! I’m not going to be bossed about by sleazy lawyers.”

Me: “No.”

That ended our business relationship, except that two days later he accidentally faxed me some new copy. In it, he railed against “sleazy website managers.”