Feline Felony

, , , | Right | July 6, 2010

(I am finishing my break and heading back to the checkout. A woman frantically calls me over and asks me if she’s allowed to take a free cat food sample, and I tell her yes. About ten minutes later she comes through my lane, with fifty or more cat food samples stuffed down her top, cradled in her arms, and in her handbag.)

Me: “I’m sorry, the free samples are one per customer.”

Customer: “I was just picking some up for my friends.”

Me: “I’m sorry, but your friends will have to come and pick up their own sample.”

(She sighs and throws all the samples that she was holding in her arms onto my checkout.)

Me: “You also have a lot more of our samples down your top and in your bag. You can’t have those ones, either.”

Customer: “How dare you! I will have you know that I am currently eight months pregnant!”

Me: “I told you that you could have a free sample ten minutes ago, and you weren’t pregnant then.”

Customer: “Oh, s***!”

(She emptied all the samples from down her top onto the floor and sprinted from the store, trailing escaped samples from her handbag as she went.)

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A Squeaky Clean Record

, , , | Right | November 9, 2009

(The junior college near my grocery store has some guy who makes very good fake IDs. After a couple of months, we’ve become adept at spotting them. One night, a young customer tries to pass one on me.)

Me: “Wow, this is a really good fake.”

(The customer’s eyes go wide and she squeaks in terror.)

Me: “How old are you, really?”

Customer: *squeaks again*

Me: “Sorry, say again?”

Customer: “Seventeen?”

Me: “Wow, that’s crazy. But this is a really good fake. How much did you pay for this?”

Customer: *squeaks*

Me: “Sorry, what?”

Customer: “Two fifty?”

Me: “You paid two hundred and fifty dollars for this?”

Customer: *squeaks*

Me: “Well, I feel kinda bad that you’re losing all that money, so I’m not gonna call the police. However, I have to confiscate your ID, okay?”

Customer: *squeaks*

Me: “You have a nice night now.”

Customer: *squeaks one last time and runs from the store*

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The Mother Of All Excuses

, , | | Right | September 29, 2009

Caller: *crying* “I need an emergency credit on my account! My mom’s been in a car wreck and I can’t call the hospital because I don’t have any time on my phone.”

Me: “I’m so sorry to hear that your mom’s been in an accident. Let me look at your account to see if we can put a one time courtesy credit on there.”

(I see that there have been $30 in credits given over the last month. I also notice her mother has been missing, dying, dead, beat up by a drunk boyfriend, stabbed, shot, and taken to the hospital because of a drug overdose. And now, she has been injured in a car wreck.)

Me: “I’m sorry, but I can’t put the credit on your account. You’ve received several courtesy credits in the past, and as per corporate policy we’re not allowed to give you any more.”

Caller: “But my mom’s in the hospital! She might die!”

Me: “I know how this kind of situation can be really rough on someone. Maybe a friend of yours will let you use their phone?”

Caller:“So you’re not going to put any money on my account?”

Me: “I’m sorry, but your account is not eligible for any further credits.”

Caller: “F*** you, b****!” *hangs up*

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Literary Emergency

, , , | Right | March 3, 2009

(During a busy day right before Christmas, a woman comes up to my register, cutting the entire line, and slaps a gift card down on the counter.)

Customer: “I need fifty dollars on this gift card.”

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, but there is a line and I’m afraid you’ll have to wait.”

Customer: “No.”

Me: “Excuse me?”

Customer: “I’ve been waiting here before any of these people got here! I NEED THIS GIFT CARD NOW!”

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, but I just can’t do that. You’ll have to wait like everyone else.”

Customer: “Now you’re just pretending you didn’t see me just so you can be a little b**** and tell me no! I want to speak to your manager!”

Me: “Ma’am, there’s no need to yell. I was busy with customers and didn’t see you standing there. I apologize for that, but I really must ask you to wait in line.”

Customer: “NO! You little b****! You don’t understand! I am a nurse! This is for a patient!”

Me: “My answer won’t change.”

Customer: “This is for a patient! It’s Christmas! Don’t you have a f****** heart?! Where is your Christmas spirit?!”

Me: “I’m Jewish.”

Customer: “Put fifty dollars on this gift card before I get you fired! This is for a patient and he is dying! I need it now!”

Me: “If he’s dying, what the h*** is he going to do with a gift card?”

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Piss Poor Pizza Poacher

, , | Right | September 29, 2008

Me: “Hello, [Pizza Place]. how can I help you?”

Customer: “Hi, I’m supposed to get a free pizza because you guys made it wrong last time.”

Me: “Okay, sir, can I have your address, please?”

Customer: “Why?”

Me: “So I can look up your credit; we file them by address.”

(He gives me his address, which isn’t in the file. I try every possible means to verify his story, and am finally convinced that he’s lying.)

Me: “Did the person you dealt with last time ask for your address?”

Customer:“No, they just said I could have a free pizza.”

Me: “Did they happen to give you their name?”

Customer: “No, it was just some guy.”

(I’m the only male manager at the restaurant.)

Me: “I’m sorry, sir, but I can’t give you a free pizza.”

Customer: “Why not?”

Me: “Because I have no record of it. I can’t just give pizza away to anybody who says we screwed up.”

Customer: “Are you calling me a liar?”

Me: “Yes.”

Customer: “Excuse me?! What is your name?”

Me: “My name is ‘guy-who’s-not-giving-you-a-free-pizza.’ What’s yours?”

Customer: “I want to speak to your manager!”

Me: “I am the manager.”

Customer: “Well, haven’t you ever heard that the customer is always right?”

Me: “Yes, that’s what people say when they’re trying to rip us off.” *click*

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