That’s Not How You Hook Employees  

, , , | Working | February 7, 2020

(My friend is unemployed and had seen an ad for an office administration course that offers a guaranteed job for selected students at the end of the course. She completes the six-week course, paying about $300 for it, and is surprised to find that she is one of the selected students even though she didn’t think she did really well. In all, about 10 of the 15 students are selected, all female. She wonders why none of the males were selected, even though most did much better than her. She calls me after she has attended the job orientation.)

Me: “So, how did it go today?”

Friend: “It didn’t; we all walked out on the orientation”

Me: “Was it that bad?”

Friend: “Worse than bad. The job was supposed to be for receptionists for a personal service company, which was actually a brothel. We were told that we would be working on commissions and that we could boost our wages by taking on extra tasks.”

Me: “Wow.”

Friend: “We all went back to our tutor to complain and were told that walking out meant that we reneged on the guaranteed job offer.”

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The Prize Money Is Only For Those Who Can Prove They Don’t Need It

, , , , , , , | Working | February 7, 2020

(A while back, I went to an event in my city, and with admission to that event, I got a free raffle ticket to use at the booth of my choice. I entered a drawing for a $250 gift card and a three-night resort vacation. I’m used to never winning anything, so I basically forgot about it after that day. That was in late June; it is now early December. I get a letter from the company claiming they’ve tried to reach me by telephone and to call them back to arrange picking up my prizes, so I call that evening after work.)

Employee #1: “I just wanted to congratulate you again on winning! Now, in addition to that gift card, you’ve also won a three-night stay at one of our resorts, [Resort #1] or [Resort #2]. Have you been to either of those before?”

Me: “I have not. Can you tell me a little about them?”

(The employee gives a very long, detailed explanation of both resorts, one of which sounds great for my kids.)

Employee #1: “Do you know which one you’d be more interested in?”

Me: “The second one sounds great!”

Employee #1: “Great choice. I just have to ask you a few more questions. What is your household size?”

Me: “Three.”

Employee #1: “All right, and are you married, unmarried, separated, or engaged?”

Me: “Single.”

Employee #1: “Okay, and is your total annual income over [amount that is fairly modest, but more than what I make currently]?”

Me: “It is not.”

Employee #1: “I’m sorry, but you are not eligible to claim this prize.”

Me: “What? I have to have a certain income to claim a prize I’ve already been selected for? That makes no sense.”

Employee #1: “Yes, part of this vacation is that we require you to attend a short seminar about our time-share options. While a purchase is not necessary, we do require that you have enough income to purchase a time-share in order to attend.”

Me: “You could have saved me a lot of time if you’d started off with that.”

Employee #1: *cheerily, as though this is a great consolation prize* “I’m very sorry, ma’am, but I can keep you on our mailing list in case we have any events with a lower income requirement, though!”

Me: “No. Do not contact me.”

(The employee starts to say something, but I’m so annoyed about the twenty minutes that I wasted on this call, his cheerful attitude about baiting and switching me, and — oh, yeah — apparently being too poor to even WIN a vacation, I just hang up on him without bothering to ask if I’m still wealthy enough to get the $250 gift card. The next day, when my temper has cooled off, I call back; a tiny part of me hopes that the guy told me the wrong information, but mostly I just want to see if there’s anyone in this company who is actually capable of expressing empathy before I go stirring the pot online. I get a different employee this time.)

Me: “Hi. I called yesterday about a prize I had won, and I just want to be extra sure I have the correct information. Can you help me out?”

Employee #2: “Sure, how can I help?”

Me: “I see on the letter here that all terms and conditions still apply, but it has been around six months and I was never given an actual copy, so I can’t say I remember what those terms are. Can you email that to me?”

Employee #2: “I can do that for you. Did you have other questions today?”

Me: “Yes. So, when I take this vacation, I have to attend a seminar about time-shares, correct?”

Employee #2: “That is correct.”

Me: “Am I obligated to purchase a time-share that day?”

Employee #2: “No, absolutely not!”

Me: “Am I obligated to purchase down the road?”

Employee #2: “No, it really is no obligation!”

Me: “So, I just have to listen to this seminar, I don’t have to purchase anything that day, and I won’t be penalized for not purchasing anything later on? I can really just listen to your presentation and then never be forced to look at or think about this ever again?”

Employee #2: “Well, if you decide it’s not for you, that’s fine, but I think you will be very interested in this program!”

Me: “Perhaps… I’m not looking to purchase immediately, but I have been researching different vacation time-share companies.”

Employee #2: “Oh, perfect! You will find we offer better rewards than many other companies!”

Me: “That’s great! The problem is, though, the employee I spoke to yesterday said I need to make over [amount] per year to attend the seminar.”

Employee #2: “Yes, we do require that guests who attend our seminars have the means to actually purchase a time-share.”

Me: “But you said there was no requirement to purchase?”

Employee #2: “There is no requirement, yes.”

Me: “So, someone with no intentions of ever purchasing a time-share can attend the seminar and then enjoy their free vacation, as long as their income is over [amount]?”

Employee #2: “Well… yes…”

Me: “But someone who does have an interest in time-shares, but doesn’t have the income right this second, is not allowed to attend the seminar and therefore not eligible to take the vacation they entered to win?”

Employee #2: “…”

Me: “Do you see why this may not be a great way to get business?”

Employee #2: “Ma’am, I’m very sorry, but those are the terms and conditions that go along with this offer. I cannot make any exception.”

Me: “Gotcha. Thanks anyway.”

(Of course, I have no intention of owning a timeshare at all, especially not with a company I’d never heard of before. But at least now I know to avoid hotels that are associated with this company. Yes, I did forget to ask about the gift card. And no, I did not receive my copy of the terms and conditions… probably because there was no income requirement mentioned at time of entry. Lucky me; it was the first time in my life I’ve ever won anything worth more than $20, and I couldn’t actually have it.)

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Oh, He Has A Disorder, All Right!

, , , | Romantic | February 6, 2020

NOTE FROM EDITORS: The grammar in this story has been kept purposefully incorrect.

 

(Have you ever worked with someone that NOBODY liked? It was a gut feeling we all shared from the moment he started. I felt bad for him in the beginning; imagine walking into work knowing everyone avoided you. I tried to be nice and make small talk but he always ruined it with a lecherous comment or a lingering stare, so I gave up. One day shortly after I quit, he texted me. I was surprised because I didn’t know he had my number and I didn’t know who would have given it to him. These messages are formatted exactly how he sent them.)

Coworker: “dinner tonight my place bring wine”

Me: “Who is this?”

Coworker: “[coworker] i got fired today [boss] is a b**** she doesn’t like me”

Me: “Oh I’m sorry. I’m actually married.” *which he knew* “I hope you find a job soon.”

Coworker: “but i got fired today cant you come over and comfort me”

Me: “No, that’s not really appropriate. How did you get my number?”

(I wait a day for a response and when he doesn’t reply, I block his number. A week I get a message from a new number.)

Coworker: “doc thinks i have [rare genetic disease] like u”

Me: “Who is this?”

Coworker: “[coworker] im using my friends phone Y arent u answering my texts”

Me: “How did you get my number?”

Coworker: “the dr is running tests to see if i have what u have”

(My genetic disorder is rare but has obvious “failure to thrive” signs at birth. The odds of him making it to his late 50s without a diagnosis are ridiculously slim. I’m suspicious.)

Me: “Best of luck with that. I truly hope you don’t have it.”

Coworker: “how did u no u had it”

Me: “I was diagnosed at birth.”

Coworker: “can u come over now tell be about it”

Me: “My husband and I could meet you at [Fast Food Place] when he gets off work.”

Coworker: “no just u please i need help”

Me: “Tell your doctor you’d like to speak to a therapist. I’m not going to meet you without my husband present and I doubt I could tell you anything your doctor wouldn’t know.”

Coworker: “please i need u”

Me: “I wish you well with [disease] but this is inappropriate.”

Coworker: “please help me”

Me: “Tell me how you got my phone number. Who gave it to you?”

Coworker: “I need to talk to u”

(I’ve had enough.)

Me: “If you contact me again, I’m calling the police.”

(Instead of waiting for a response, I blocked that number, too. No more new numbers contacted me so I thought that was it. Shortly after that, my husband was reading the paper when he asked what my coworker’s name was. I told him and he showed me a police report about the coworker. The same day I told him to stop, another girl had fallen for his helplessness — he told her he had cancer like her — and he tried to assault her. The girl escaped and he went to jail. I never did find out how he got my number.)

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This Story Starts With Hurricanes, And Then It Gets Worse

, , , , , , | Right | February 3, 2020

(I’m working in a library in southeastern Virginia in the summer of 2005. In the aftermath of Hurricane Katrina, there’s a lot of national outpouring of support and sympathy, and one of our regular patrons has booked a memorial service in one of our meeting rooms for the victims of the hurricane. It’s a violation of library policy to use the room for a religious service or anything of that nature, but this is out of my hands at my level, so what can I say? Everything seems mostly above-board until…)

Man: *walking into the library in the business uniform of the local funerary service* “Hi. We’re here for the afternoon service!”

Me: *not hearing him well at first* “I’m sorry, sir, what?”

Man: “The funeral service? Under [Patron]? Where did you want us to put the casket?”

Me: “Sir, THE WHAT?” *at this point, I’m sure I’ve heard him correctly*

Man: “We have a service for this afternoon for [Same Surname of Patron but different first name] at [time]? It should be on the schedule.”

Me: “Sir, let me get my manager. I think there’s been some confusion.”

(I go and talk to my manager in their office and at the mention of, “They want to know where we want them to set the casket,” their eyes get wide and they rush out front to handle it. When they come back:)

Manager: “They were deceiving us to get the library to host a funeral for the woman’s daughter who recently died, and is in no way connected to the hurricane!”

(This woman was legitimately attempting to get our library to hold the funeral for her for free by claiming it was a kind-hearted effort to remember the unfortunate victims of a natural disaster. Sadly, we had to turn them away because we couldn’t really allow a human corpse onto library property for policy reasons and the meeting room was booked under duplicitous circumstances. Unfortunately, these patrons had slightly used up a lot of their goodwill with library staff by coming in smelling offensively, and despite numerous private requests by management to discontinue doing so, turned in every batch of DVDs they would check out with live cockroaches living in the cases, causing the cases to have to be fumigated and aired out, and the unfortunate hitchhikers exterminated. To this day, we have no idea what they did as far as holding the funeral service after the library had to ask them to leave.)

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Your Table-Number Scamming Days Are Numbered

, , , , , , | Legal | January 30, 2020

(I work in a pub which has both bar and restaurant sections. One day, I am working behind the bar when a couple comes up to pay for their meal. While we offer table service, this is not unusual, as sometimes people want to continue drinking in the bar. All restaurant tables are clearly numbered.)

Man: “Hi, can I pay my bill, please? We were on table two.”

Me: “Sounds good! I’ll just print it off for you. Table two? You had two [inexpensive dishes] and a bottle of the house red. Can you check the receipt to make sure everything’s on there?”

Man: *taking the receipt and reading it* “Everything’s on there.”

(The woman with him suddenly gets the giggles. This is strange, but I think nothing of it, as we’re a bar.)

Me: “I’ll get the card machine.”

(When I go to get the card machine, I notice that the paper needs to be changed. I walk over to the hostess stand where we keep the thermal paper, only to see that table two is still eating their meal. Table three, however, is empty. I call my manager over and we both go to the bar to approach the couple.)

Me: “Could I just have the name that was on your reservation, to confirm your table?”

(The man goes red and gets a deer in headlights look. The woman finally stops giggling.)

Man: *mumbling* “It’s [Man].”

Me: “That’s what I thought. I’ve just checked and you guys were actually on table three. I’ve printed out your revised bill. You had [expensive starters] and two [expensive specials], desserts, and a cheese board, as well as three rounds of drinks. Your total comes to [a hundred pounds more].”

(I hand over the card machine and the man, looking a bit awkward, pays his bill. Just as they turn to leave, my manager speaks.)

Manager: “I don’t know if you’re scammers or just idiots that can’t remember what you just ate, but you aren’t welcome back here.”

(I got a dessert on the house for catching them!)

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