(I work in the call center for a local non-profit. We’re not telemarketers, but people usually assume we are when they hear where we’re calling from. On this call, a young boy — maybe five years old — picks up.)

Boy: “Um… Hello?”

Me: “Oh, hi! Is your mom there?”

Boy: “Um…”

(In the background, I can hear his mother. She’s muffled, but distinct enough that I can hear her every word.)

Mom: “Ask them who it is.”

Boy: “Um… who is it?”

Me: “It’s [My Name] with [Organization]!”

(The child relays this.)

Mom: “Crap. Tell her we’re not here.”

Boy: “Um, okay. She’s… uh… not here right now.”

Me: “Okay, no problem! When will she be available?”

(He puts his hand over the phone and undergoes lengthy consultation with his mother.)

Boy: “I, um, uh… Later.”

Me: “How about later this week?”

Boy: “Uh…”

Mom: “Yeah, sure, whatever.”

Boy: *to me* “That’ll be okay, I guess.”

Me: “Okay! Tell your mom thanks for me, and I’ll talk to her later. Oh, and one more thing?”

Boy: “Yeah?”

Me: *very solemnly – “after-school special” style* “Tell her that lying is very bad, and honesty is always the best policy.”

Boy: *sounding relieved and happy* “Okay! I’ll tell her! Thanks!”

(We’ve recently been getting calls from one of those fake auto warranty scam businesses. We’ve told them to take us off their calling list and threatened to report them to the FCC numerous times, but they still keep calling. Today, when I pick up the phone, it’s them again.)

Robocall: “Hello! This is [Robot Caller] calling about your car’s warranty. We see from our records that your warranty is expiring soon. Would you be interested in extending your warranty? Please answer yes or no!”

Me: “Impeach Trump.”

Robocall: “Sorry, I didn’t understand that. Would you be interested in extending your car’s warranty? Please answer yes or no!”

Me: “Impeach Trump.”

Robocall: “Sorry, I didn’t understand that. Let me connect you to one of our operators. Please stay on the line!”

Me: “Impeach Trump.”

Phone: *elevator music*

Me: “Impeach Trump.”

Operator: “You’ve reached [Operator]. What extension are you trying to dial?”

Me: “Impeach Trump.”

Operator: “Excuse me? Are you trying to purchase a new warranty for your vehicle?”

Me: “Impeach Trump.”

Operator: “Sir, if you’re trying to purchase a new warranty, I can connect you to one of our sales representatives.”

Me: “Impeach Trump.”

Operator: “This is not funny, sir. You can’t just call our business and waste our time with silly games.”

Me: “Impeach Trump.”

Operator: “ARE YOU BUYING A NEW WARRANTY?!”

Me: “Impeach Trump.”

Operator: “I’m blocking your number! F****** idiot!” *hangs up*

Me: “Impeach Trump.”

Phone: *dial tone*

(I start getting a bunch of calls from an unknown number. The first time, they leave no message. The second and third times, they leave a message saying they are from my mortgage company to talk to me about refinancing my home. I look up the number and just as I suspected, it is a scam. The fourth time they call, I answer.)

Me: “Hello?”

Caller: “Hi, [My Name], I’m [Caller] from [Loan Company]. I’m calling in regards to your mortgage. We told you a while ago that we would contact you if there was a chance we could get you a better rate. Do you plan on moving anytime soon, or do you plan on staying in your one-family home?”

Me: “I plan on staying.”

Caller: “Oh. Well then, do you have time you talk about refinancing? The market’s doing really well right now and we can likely get you down to a lower interest rate and payment.”

Me: “Oh, really?”

Caller: “Yes. Based on your excellent payment history, we can bring it down to about five and a half if you were to refinance.”

Me: “Really?”

Caller: “Of course!”

Me: “I don’t believe you, because this is a scam.”

Caller: “No, ma’am, it’s not.”

Me: “Yes, it is, because if you were really looking at my mortgage, you’d see my interest rate is currently four percent.”

I have just started a new job, so I’m anxious to make a good impression on the boss, especially since my new coworkers have already told me he is very strict. I haven’t had a chance to interact with him directly very much yet, but I’m trying my best to do all my work very carefully, turn everything in on time, etc.

One afternoon, I’m chatting with several coworkers after lunch, and we’re talking about foods we enjoy. Someone brings up bacon, and I say something generic and positive, such as, “Yep, bacon is great!” Just then, the boss walks around the corner, so we all greet him and then quickly go back to work. Later that afternoon, I’m working in my cubicle, and the boss steps in, saying, “I’d like to talk with you about something I overheard earlier.”

I’m terrified, thinking at the very least I’ll be in trouble for chatting when I could have been working, and at worst, I might have said something to accidentally offend him. But then he asks, “So, is it true that you love bacon?” Bewildered, I answer that I enjoy bacon as much as the next person. He stares at me for a few seconds, before launching into this long personal story, while I try not to let my mouth hang open in confusion and surprise.

It turns out that he and his wife are practicing Muslims, and therefore do not consume any pork products. At one point, he mistakenly ate some bacon, only to discover that it was delicious! Ever since then, he has been secretly eating bacon whenever his wife isn’t around, and he has been desperate for someone to talk to about all the delicious merits of this most supreme food. Unlucky for me, after he overheard my conversation earlier, he suddenly decided I would be his bacon confidant.

He talks at length about how much he enjoys eating bacon when no one is around, and how he has even been sneaking some to his young daughter — without his wife’s knowledge — because he believes it is too unfair to deprive her of this magical food. All the while, he is asking for my reassurance that his bacon-eating is okay, and I am absolutely speechless! Somehow he takes this as an affirmation and cheerily goes on his way, muttering about how happy he is to have someone to talk to about bacon, and what a relief it is to have this shared this secret.

For the rest of the time I worked there, about once a week my boss would randomly stop by my cubicle to extol the virtues of bacon, while I tried to avoid making any kind of statement whatsoever. I didn’t want to make any kind of comment on his personal choices, but I also didn’t want him to think that I was in favor of him lying to his family! Weird and awkward as it was, at least I had found a way to stay in the good graces of a strict boss. I hope he decided to come clean about his bacon secret eventually, and that everything worked out for him and his family.

Related:
With Great Bacon, Comes Great Responsibility, Part 22
With Great Bacon, Comes Great Responsibility, Part 21
With Great Bacon, Comes Great Responsibility, Part 20

(I’m at my first job and I’ve been tasked with training a new recruit about how we clean the restaurant floor. We’ve just finished the main dining area and are moving on to restrooms.)

Me: “Okay, now we’ll clean the restrooms.”

Trainee: “How do we clean the female restrooms? I mean we’re both guys; I don’t want to get in trouble or anything.”

Me: “Well, we still have to go in there, so first we have to carefully check and make sure that we are not interrupting anyone in there. Here; I’ll show you.”

(I open the female restroom door by about three inches and knock on it.)

Me: “Hello, is anyone currently in here?”

Woman: *annoyed tone* “Yes!”

(I turn to face the trainee whilst still keeping the door slightly ajar so that the female occupant can still hear us.)

Me: “Okay, there’s still somebody in there, so we’ll clean the male and disability restrooms for now and check the female restroom again later.”

(We proceed to clean the male and disability restrooms, and afterward, we are able to clean the now-vacated female restroom. Later into the day, I’m called into the manager’s office.)

Manager: “We got a complaint from a woman who came in here earlier.”

Me: “Okay.”

Manager: “She says you tried to force your way into the female restrooms, and that you were physically trying to force the cubicle door open while she was in there.”

Me: “I… I was there to clean the toilets with [Trainee]. I only opened the door enough for my voice to be heard. I never set foot in there. Doesn’t the security camera show that?”

Manager: “Well, you see, the thing is… that camera doesn’t work, and neither do the ones in the kitchen or car park. Only the cameras in the dining area actually capture security footage.”

Me: “So, what happens now?”

Manager: “Well, I’ve already spoken to [Trainee] and his story checks out with what you’ve just said, so I think we’ll put this one down to crazy-lady syndrome.”

Me: “Is that all right? I mean, she’s not going to try to take this to the police or anything?”

Manager: “Nah, I think it’ll be fine. She doesn’t have any proof that it happened, and neither do we.”

Me: “I… uh… okay.”

Manager: “All right, back to work with you.”