Liar Liar On The Telephone (Wire)

, , | Right | June 9, 2008

Me: “Hello, [company name], how may I help you?”

Caller: “Yes, I would like to speak to [company president’s first name].”

Me: “May I ask who is calling?”

Caller: “This is Joe. He is expecting my call.”

Me: “… and you are with?”

Caller: “Just put me through, he knows me and is expecting me to call.”

Me: “I am sorry, sir, but my instructions are to find out who is calling and what company they are with before transferring the call.”

Caller: “Look, I am his brother and you better put me through right now!”

Me: “Oh really? Well, I am his sister and I know for a fact that we don’t have a brother.”

Caller: *click*

(Salesmen will say anything to get through. And yes, I am the CEO’s sister.)

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Thick(headed) As Thieves

, , , , | Right | May 30, 2008

Me: “Hi, how can I help you?”

Customer: “I’m trying to install your program but it keeps quitting during the set up.”

Me: “Are you getting any error messages?”

Customer: “No, it just quits and I have to restart the installation.”

Me: “At what point does it quit?”

Customer: “Well, it’s on the screen where is says registration code. I hit cancel and then it quits.”

Me: “In order for the installation process to finish, you need to put in a registration code.”

Customer: “Can you give me one?”

Me: “For your program to work, you need to put in the code that comes with it.”

Customer: “Well, how do I find that?”

Me: “It would be on a slip of paper inside the box.”

Customer: “What box?”

Me: “The box that the CD came in.”

Customer: “I didn’t get a box. Could you just give me a code?”

Me: “When you bought the program it came in a box, did you lose the box?”

Customer: “Oh, I didn’t buy it; I got it from a friend. But I don’t think she bought it either. The CD looks like it was homemade.”

Me: “…homemade?”

Customer: “Yeah, the top of the CD has handwriting on it. It’s just like the music CDs she gives to me.”

Me: “I’m going to have to assume that the person who gave you this CD downloaded the program illegally. I can not provide you with a code to activate the software without a proper purchase.”

Customer: “So now I can’t use it?”

Me: “Not without purchasing it.”

Customer: “But I don’t want to pay for it; I just want to use it!”

Me: “I’m sorry, but it just won’t work that way.”

Customer: “Well, what good are you, you lousy b****?!” *click*

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Shoulda Filled It With Apples

, , , , , , , | Right | April 24, 2008

Customer: “I want to return this computer.”

Me: “Okay, I can help you with that. Where is it?”

(The customer puts a badly damaged computer box on the counter. I open the box and find that it’s filled with oranges.)

Me: “I’m sorry, sir, I’m unable to accept this for return.”

Customer: “When I opened the box, it was filled with oranges! I want my money back.”

Me: “Can I see your receipt?”

(The customer hands me a hand written receipt from a generic receipt book.)

Me: “I’m sorry, sir, this is not a store receipt. I’m unable to accept this.”

Customer: “The guy I bought it from said he got it here for $99 dollars and if I didn’t like it, I could return it here. I want my money back, I got ripped off!”

Me: “Sir, I apologize that you gave this guy your money, but it seems he gave you a box of oranges and a fake receipt. I’m unable to help you…”

(At this point customer gets very loud and starts throwing oranges around the store. Someone calls the police and he is eventually arrested. To this day, I’m unsure if I should laugh or feel sorry for the guy.)

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Kids Say The Truthiest Things

, , , , , | Right | April 6, 2008

(Santa was visiting our store, and every kid got a small bag of candy. Then this happened…)

Santa: “Here you go, little boy!”

Kid: “Thank you, Santa!”

Mom: “Aren’t you forgetting anything?”

Kid: “What, mommy?”

Mom: “Ask Santa for another bag for your brother like I told you.” *looks at Santa* “He’s sick at home and couldn’t come.”

Santa: “No problem!” *reaches for another bag*

Kid: “But mommy, I don’t have a brother!”

Mom: “…”

Santa: *puts bag back*


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That’s A Latte Coupons

, , , | Right | March 23, 2008

(A woman had been coming in every day and paying for venti drinks with all the trimmings using service recovery coupons. This went on for about a year and a half, and finally, we were told to stop taking them from her. They were old, we had never given any to her, and she could not have acquired so many of them legitimately.)

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, but we can’t take any of these coupons, they’re outdated.”

Coupon Lady: “…but I use these all the time. They always take them!”

Me: “They’re outdated. There are new ones now, and we’re not allowed to take the old ones anymore.”

Coupon Lady: *pays for her drinks, leaves*

(The next day Coupon Lady returns with her husband and tries the same thing.)

Me: “I’m sorry, I told you yesterday, we will not accept any more coupons from you.”

Husband: “I want to speak to your manager.”

(I go and get a manager; the husband commences shouting at manager.)

Manager: “You’ve been using these coupons almost daily since this location opened. We are not going to accept them anymore.”

Husband: “We know the man in charge! WE GOT THESE FROM THE HEAD GUY!”

Manager: “Sir, if you’d actually gotten these coupons from the man in charge, you would know that the man in charge here is a WOMAN.”

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