A Law Degree In Second-Degree Burns

, , , | Right | February 11, 2009

(Our convenience store is on a college campus, and we have five different kinds of coffee in self-serve urns).

Customer: “Wow, this coffee is really hot!”

Me: “Um…”

Customer: “What if I spill it or something? I could get burned!”

Me: “Well, yes. But it’s coffee. Coffee is usually hot.”

Customer: “Well, I could sue you, you know. I heard about a woman who sued because the coffee burned her.”

Me: “I don’t know that you could, actually. That was–”

Customer: *interrupting* “Yeah, but I don’t see any signs.”

(I point to large signs on all the coffee urns saying, “Caution: Contents HOT“.)

Customer: “I could still sue.”

Me: “Yeah, but you’re a college student. We assume you can read.”

Customer: “Oh, yeah? Betcha I could prove I can’t!”

Me: “…”


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The Tiny Flaw In An Otherwise Brilliant Plan

, , , | Right | February 9, 2009

(I work at customer service and this lady could not return a lamp because it was past our 90-day return policy.)

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, the transaction for the lamp does not show up on your credit card. Has it been more than 90 days?”

Customer: “No, I don’t think so! Try it again.”

(I try two more times and sure enough, the same thing happens.)

Me: “Ma’am, if you bought the lamp more than 90 days ago, it does not show up in our system anymore. We can do a store credit return if you would like, but you would get the lowest price which is about $3 less.”

Customer: “Fine. It was 92 days ago! Now can I return it?”

Me: “I cannot do that. That purchase is not in our system anymore and the computer will only allow me to give you store credit at that price.”

(A long argument ensues and I tell her the same things.)

Customer: “Well, you know what? I’m going to buy this lamp again and then use THAT receipt to return it!”

Me: “Why would you want to do that? You would technically own two and then you’re returning one. It makes no difference.”

Customer: “Then I’ll buy a NEW one and use that receipt to return my broken one!”

Me: “I cannot allow you to do that. I am the supervisor and would have to report that sort of potential activity to our store security and managers.”

Customer: “How did you know what I’m going to do?!”

Me: “…um, because you just told me?”

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The Magical Mocha Phone

, , | Right | October 21, 2008

(I used to repair phones for an office.)

Customer: “My phone is broken.”

Me: “Can you please describe the problem?”

Customer: “It’s broken.”

Me: “In what way?”

Customer: “It doesn’t work.”

Me: “Do you have a dial tone? Can you not dial a specific number?”

Customer: “Nothing happens. It’s broken.”

Me: “Where is your desk?”

Customer: “Second floor, cube [number].”

(Upon arriving, I find the phone with no lights, no dial tone, no anything. On a hunch, I ask…)

Me: “Did you spill coffee in it?”

Customer: “No!”

(I grab the phone, tilt it and coffee pours out.)

Me: “Huh.” *glares at customer*

Customer: “I DIDN’T spill coffee in it!”

Me: “Riiight.”

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Fibbing Fail

, , | Right | October 16, 2008

Me: “Hi, how can I help you?”

Customer: “I need to return this d*** camera.”

Me: “Sure, was it not working?”

Customer: “I just don’t want it, okay?”

Me: “Okay. Have you opened the box yet?”

Customer: “Why does that matter?”

Me: “Well, as the sticker on the box says, if the box is opened and you return it, I have to charge you a restocking fee.”

Customer: “Oh. No… no, it hasn’t been opened.”

(I look and the box has been clearly opened, with a torn seal.)

Me: “Uh… are you sure it hasn’t been opened?”

Customer: “LOOK! ARE YOU CALLING ME A F***ING LIAR? Where is your manager? I spend hundreds of thousands of dollars here and this is how I’m treated?!”

Me: “Ma’am, if you just–”

Customer: “THESE PEOPLE CALL CUSTOMERS LIARS! DON’T SHOP HERE!”

Me: “Ma’am, I believe you! I will return it!”

Customer: “That’s right you will!”

Me: “Can I see your receipt?”

Customer: “It’s in the box.”

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Team Building Retreat With The Reindeer

, , , , | Right | October 8, 2008

Me: “Good evening, [Hotel]. This is [My Name]. How can I help you?”

Caller: “I’d like to check your availability for December 24th to the 26th.”

Me: “We do have rooms available for those dates.”

Caller: “I work for the government, and I’m wondering if you have the government discount?”

Me: “Only government employees on official government business are eligible for our government rates.”

Caller: “I’m on official business, then!”

Me: “You’re trying to book a room for Christmas.”

Caller: *hangs up*

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