Water Difference That Makes

, , , , | Healthy | February 13, 2018

(I am a medical lab scientist. I receive a urine sample from the ER to test only for drugs, marked as belonging to a fifteen-year-old boy. The sample is quite clear — if someone is really hydrated that can happen — and it’s cold. We usually receive urine still warm, but sometimes it sits while they decide if they want to test it for anything. It’s negative for all the street drugs we test for. I release the results and then, a bit later, I get a call from a nurse.)

Nurse: “Hi. I was just wondering about the drug screen for [Patient].”

Me: “Sure. What do you need?”

Nurse: “Well, it was cold when he gave it to me, and I just don’t quite believe it’s negative. Is there anything you could do to find out if it was water?”

(I think for a moment and come up with a few fast things that I could do to find out whether or not it is water.)

Me: “Yeah, let me grab it and try something.”

(I do a really quick test and come up with something you would not expect for pee.)

Me: “Either this kid is in very severe kidney failure, or this is water.”

Nurse: “Thank you. I just graduated and passed my boards, so I’m still learning knowledge-versus-wisdom. Now I know when I feel like the urine feels cold, I should do something about it.”

Me: “Did you want me to credit those charges?”

Nurse: “Yes. We will be recollecting. And there will be a male care tech going in that bathroom with him.”

Me: *laughing* “I would imagine.”

(Once I get off the phone, I do some more chemical testing and learn that this sample has none of the chemical properties of urine. This kid didn’t even think to try the one where you dilute your actual pee with water — which we can also catch — or even to just put WARM water in the cup. It was straight, cold, tap-water. I walk across the lab to tell this one to the other lab scientists, one of whom is known for being extremely cynical about everything.)

Cynical Coworker: “That nurse is way too nice. I’d catheterize the kid. Teach him to never do that one again.”

(We then started a prizeless pool, guessing what the kid was on that he was trying to hide. In the end, the actual urine arrived, and it was positive for marijuana.)

You Have Many Grave Concerns, But This Won’t Be One Of Them

, , , , , , , , , | Romantic | February 13, 2018

(My friend is the maître d’ at a high-end restaurant. Reservations are always needed for dinner, but on holidays they can book weeks in advance. It is Valentine’s Day, and he has been fully booked for over a month. As you can imagine, people try to break rules to get a seat. This is the case when a man and woman arrive.)

Man: “You should have a reservation for two under ‘Graves.'”

Maître D’: “I don’t have any open reservations. What was the first name?”

Man: *sigh* “Abigail Graves.”

Maître D’: “Excuse me for a moment while I check.”

(My friend is confused at this point, because there is, in fact, a reservation under the name; however, he has already seated them ten minutes before, and the seated woman has given him the correct code from the reservation app. He decides to check with the seated Abigail. She is a visibly pregnant woman who is sitting with an older woman.)

Maître D’: “Excuse me for bothering you, but a couple has arrived claiming to be under your reservation.”

(At this point, the pregnant woman starts to cry and the older woman looks furious.)

Older Woman: “The nerve of him! He probably has her with him.”

Abigail: “Grandma! Please! Look. Two weeks ago, I walked in on my boyfriend in bed with another woman. He’s been making my life miserable because I left him. He won’t let me come get my dog, and he has been following me. I can’t believe he is here. He fought with me when I made the reservation. If you seat him, I can’t look at him. I’ll have to leave… I…”

Maître D’: “Miss, please don’t worry. I will handle the situation. You and your grandmother just have a lovely Valentine’s dinner.”

(The owner sees the woman crying, and asks what the situation is. My friend quickly fills him in, and the owner says he wants to handle this personally. As they are walking back towards the door, the owner pauses.)

Owner: “What name was the reservation under?”

Maître D’: “Graves.”

Owner: *grinning ear to ear* “That’s what I thought.”

(They get to the rather peeved-looking man and woman a moment later.)

Owner: “I’d like you to know that I looked at the reservations. This restaurant doesn’t have any spare ‘Graves’ to seat you in. However, cheating on a pregnant woman means you deserve to be lying in one. Show yourself out.”

Man: “You have some nerve.”

Owner: “No? Okay, [Security Staff], escort them out.” *to Maître D’* “Please comp her meal. It’s not every day I can threaten someone using puns.”

Might As Well Have Been Born Yesterday

, , , , | Right | February 13, 2018

(Sometimes, if you are not entirely sure of a customer’s age for age-restricted films, you can just ask their date of birth. This teenager looks borderline old enough to watch the film, so I ask him.)

Me: “What’s your date of birth?”

Customer: “…”

Me: “…”

Customer: “UGH! I HAD IT WRITTEN DOWN!” *storms off*

(I guess he wasn’t old enough, after all.)

The Lord Taketh Away

, , , , , | Right | February 11, 2018

(A man comes in, picks up a few snacks, and goes to check out. He also mentions he’s a priest.)

Priest: “Would you give me a 15% discount because I’m a man of the Lord?”

Me: “Is the Lord a fan of extortion?”

(Awkward silence.)

This Purchase Has Gone Dry

, , , , , , | Right | February 9, 2018

(I’m taking care of a big rush of customers at the register as quickly as I can, with another cashier and one of my managers, when a customer comes up with a hair dryer that she wants to exchange.)

Customer: “Hi, I bought this a few months ago and it just stopped working on me for no reason. I don’t have the receipt.”

Me: “Okay! Do you have a loyalty card with us? We can look it up.”

(She gives me her number and it pulls up her mother’s account.)

Me: “I’m not seeing this product. Do you have your own account that we can look it up on?”

(The woman clearly looks annoyed, but gives me her number. Our system usually will trace back purchases for about nine or ten months after, but nothing is showing up in her transaction history)

Me: “So, I’m not finding it in this one, either. You said you bought this a few months ago?”

Customer: “Yeah, can you just go back and find it?”

Me: “That’s the problem, ma’am. There’s absolutely nothing here to go back to. If you want to grab the new hair dryer you wanted to exchange it for, you are more than welcome to.”

(She leaves and I begin to process the return without a receipt. When you don’t have a receipt or proof of purchase, our system rings it up at the highest price possible. The woman is very upset that we can’t evenly exchange it.)

Customer: “Well, this is just ridiculous. I shop here all the time and spend a lot of money here, so it should be in there.”

(The rush has died down, so my manager comes over to ask what is going on. I explain the situation.)

Manager: “Let me call customer service to see what’s going on. Why don’t you go help the other guests at a different register?”

(I obliged, and was grateful she took over. Especially when I found out that the customer had not made a purchase at our store for four years and tried to exchange a hair dryer from 2011!)

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