Always Right, Even From Beyond The Grave

, , , | Right | July 2, 2009

Me: *on the phone* “Hello, welcome to [Magazine]. How can I help?”

Caller: “I want to cancel my husband’s subscription.”

Me: “Okay. Could I speak to your husband, as he is the account holder?”

Caller: “I’m sorry, he passed away last week. That’s why I’m calling. I won’t have to pay what he owes, will I?”

Me: “I’m sorry to hear that, madam. I’ll cancel that and you are correct; you won’t be charged.”

(I take the details. At the end, I say she can receive one more copy, free.)

Caller: “I’m sorry, I’m not following. I’ve had a lot to deal with since my husband died. We only buried him yesterday.”

Me: *feeling dreadful for her* “Of course. I’ll go through it again.”

(I run through it, stopping at intervals to check that she understands. She says she does.)

Me: “Would you like the free copy? This month you get money off vouchers for books.”

(15 seconds of silence.)

Me: “Madam, are you there?”

Caller: “I still don’t understand, dear. I’m not good with this stuff. Let me get my husband; he usually deals with this.”

Me: “Madam, you told me your husband died.”

Caller: *flustered* “I didn’t.”

Me: “I’m sorry, but you did. You told me your husband died, his funeral was yesterday, and you asked me to cancel his contract and not charge you.”

Caller: *now getting agitated* “I didn’t. You misunderstood.”

Me: “Madam, we record calls. I can arrange for you to speak to a manager once the called has been reviewed, if you wish.”

(Another 15 seconds of silence.)

Me: “Madam, are you still there?”

Caller: *click*

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Perhaps You Can Blame A Guy For Trying

, , | Right | June 1, 2009

(On Tuesdays, we have a buy-one, get-one-free deal on medium pizzas. The day this exchange happened was a Thursday.)

Me: “Welcome to [Pizza Place]. How can I help you?”

Customer: “I’d like a medium pepperoni pizza, please.”

Me: “Okay, then. Can I get you anything else?”

Customer: “Well, I wasn’t here on Tuesday, so I was wondering if I could get my second free pizza today?”

Me: “Well, the deal is only applicable on Tuesdays, so I’m afraid I can’t help you.”

Customer: “Okay, well, I won’t be here next Tuesday, so can I get my free one from then?”

Me: “I’m very sorry, sir, but the deal on is only available on TUESDAYS.”

Customer: “Okay, I’ll be back in a bit to get my pizza.”

(He leaves, then comes back ten minutes later.)

Customer: “So… say I woke up this morning and thought it was Tuesday?”

Me: “…”

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Give Me Coffee Or Give Me Death

, , , | Healthy | May 16, 2009

(I work in a hospital.)

Me: “What can I get you to drink, sir?”

Patient: “Coffee.”

Me: “Well, it looks like you’re on a cardiac diet, which means you can’t have caffeine.”

Patient: “You asked me what I wanted, and I want coffee.”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir, I can’t give it to you.”

Patient: “This is ridiculous! I’ve been drinking coffee every morning for the last sixty years. I want my coffee!”

Me: “Sir. You are on a cardiac diet. That means that you can’t have caffeine, extra sodium, or fat. It could make your condition worse.”

Patient: *tries to pull a fast one* “My doctor told me I could have it.”

Me: “Well, your doctor needs to put it into our computer; otherwise, I could lose my job.”

Patient: “MY DOCTOR SAID I COULD HAVE IT!”

Me: “Sir, I know you’re lying. Otherwise, you wouldn’t be on this diet.”

Patient: “GIVE ME THE F***ING COFFEE!”

Me: *loses patience* “DO YOU WANT THE COFFEE OR DO YOU WANT TO LIVE?!”

Patient: *sheepishly* “Can I have apple juice?”

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Hopefully His Poop Is Invisible Too

, , , | Right | April 23, 2009

Customer: “Just give me ketchup and mustard on the cheeseburger.”

Me: “Okay, ma’am.”

(I start to put the ketchup on the burger.)

Customer: “I didn’t ask for ketchup! I want a free cheeseburger now!”

Me: “Oh, I thought you did…”

Customer: “No, I didn’t. Give me a free cheeseburger.”

(I send the other cheeseburger back.)

Customer: “What are you doing?”

Me: “Getting you a new one?”

Customer: “What? Why?” I’m going to eat that one!”

Me: “Well, we can’t give you a free hamburger if you’re going to eat the new one.”

Customer: “Well, it’s for my baby.”

Me: “Ma’am, your order is for here, and you don’t have a baby with you.”

Customer: “Maybe it’s an invisible baby!”

Me: “…have a great day, ma’am.”


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Maybe It Got Chuck Norris’d

, , , | Right | April 22, 2009

(A customer approaches the repair counter with a paper shopping bag, and I can hear stuff rattling around inside.)

Customer: “I bought this computer here, and it’s broken. I want to return it.”

(She dumps out the bag, and inside is a laptop that is broken completely in half.)

Customer: “It was like this when I opened the box.”

Me: “Okay… well, do you have the receipt and the original packaging?”

Customer: *hands me a receipt*

Me: “Ma’am, this receipt is from three months ago.”

Customer: “I know. I bought it three months ago but I just opened it today.”

Me: “Do you have the original packaging?”

Customer: “No, I threw it away.”

Me: “So, let me get this straight. You opened the box, three months after buying the computer, and the laptop was broken in half, so you threw out the box?”

Customer: “Yeah, I didn’t think I needed it.”

Me: “I really don’t think you can return this.”

Customer: “All right, but you can fix it. It’s still got a manufacturer warranty.”

Me: “I’m sorry, but manufacturer warranties don’t cover accidental damage, just defects.”

Customer: “But it’s not accidental damage! It was like this when I bought it!”

Me: “I find that really hard to believe, and so would anyone else. Nobody in their right mind would believe that it came out of the box like this.”

Customer: “But why would I lie about that?”

Me: “To get a free repair? I’m sorry, I just can’t do it. Your warranty does not cover accidental damage.”

Customer: *thinks for a moment* “But what if it wasn’t an accident?”

Me: “Excuse me?”

Customer: “What if it wasn’t an accident? I did it on purpose. That’s not accidental damage.”

Me: “…”

Customer: “Hmmmmmmm?”

Me: “Have a good day, ma’am.”

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