Fuel For (Lack Of) Thought

, , , , | Right | January 19, 2010

Me: “How can I help you?”

Customer: “My son told me THAT to get broadband I’d have to pay more money, but I told him that there was this thing from the phone company you put on your telephone cord that gave you broadband.”

Me: “You mean a noise canceler, sir? That is only for DSL lines through the phone company, not through us.”

Customer: “Diesel… Yeah, that’s what I want! So, can you hook me up with diesel broadband?”

Me: “Sir, I’m sorry we don’t offer D-S-L Lines. You have to call your phone company and have them installed.”

Customer: “Do you have unleaded lines?”

Me: “Sir, it’s DSL. Not diesel as in the fuel.”

Customer: “You’re not a very good company, then. You’re saying I can’t get diesel from you, but then telling me I can’t get unleaded either.”

Me: “Sir, if you just call your phone company I am sure they can help you.”

Customer: “Oh, okay, then.”

(The customer starts mashing numbers on the keypad without hanging up. I stay on the line.)

Me: “Sir?”

Customer: “I just talked to [My Company] and they said you have diesel lines.”

Me: “Sir you never hung up the phone. This is still [My Name] from [My Company].”

Customer: “Holy s***! You work for both places?”

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A Minor Truth

, , , | Right | January 14, 2010

(We have some yogurt and tomato paste which come in two packs. A customer will often come up with one tub, the one which will have no barcode on it, and we have to go find the other one in the pair.)

Me: “Oh, this is just a single. Do you have the other half?”

Customer: “No, it was just like this on the shelf.”

Me: “Ok, well these come in two packs. Did you see the other one of the shelf?”

Customer: “Yeah, I did, I’ll just go get it.”

(The customer goes and gets the other half.)

Customer’s Child: “Mummy, where did you go?”

Customer: “I had to go get the other half of this.”

Customer’s Child: “But didn’t you just break that in half?”

Customer: “No, I didn’t.”

Customer’s Child: “Yes, you did.”

Customer: “No, it was just like this.”

Customer’s Child: “Yes, you did! I remember you saying you only need one, why should you pay for two? And then you broke it off.”

Customer: “All right; all right. Here’s some money. Why don’t you go and get a toy out of the vending machine?”

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Extra Crime Rib

, , , | Right | January 8, 2010

Customer: “I ordered a large prime rib last time I was here and it was awful! I want a new one.”

Me: “Okay, ma’am, I will be happy to remake it for you. We’ll have it ready for you in a few minutes.”

(I make a sandwich while the woman strolls over to the chips, hides a bag in her jacket and takes it to her truck. She comes inside with a water bottle, fills it up with soda and takes a seat.)

Me: “Ma’am, your sandwich is ready. So you had a large prime rib and a bag of chips.”

Customer: “I didn’t have chips!”

Me: “Yes, ma’am, you took a bag of chips to your truck. We have it on camera.”

Customer: “Okay, maybe I got chips.”

Me: “And I have to charge you for a medium drink.”

Customer: “I didn’t get a drink!”

Me: “Yes, ma’am. You filled up your water bottle with soda.”

Customer: “But it’s my water bottle!”

Me: “Yes, but you filled it with our soda. We have you on camera.”

Customer: “Okay, maybe I did that. But my sandwich is still free, right?”

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Now Hiring: Paramarketers

, | Right | January 7, 2010

(I work as a receptionist at my father’s company. I had a brother who passed away before I was born.)

Me: “Thank you for calling [name of company]. How may I direct your call?”

Customer: “Yeah, I need to speak to [name of owner].”

Me: “All right, sir, what’s your name and purpose of your call?”

Customer: “Oh, he knows me. I’m his son.”

Me: “Michael? You’re alive!”

Customer: *click*

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Thank God It’s Fraud-day

, , , , | Right | December 25, 2009

(This call takes place at our website hosting company. Note that we close our call center every year on Christmas.)

Caller: “I’m so mad at you guys! I talked to your verification department over the phone on the 25th of this month and my account still isn’t verified for use!”

Me: “Really? You talked with us on Christmas? How did you do that?”

Caller: “Um… I mean… I talked to them on the 35th!”

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