An Unsalvageable Lie

, , , | Right | March 23, 2009

Customer: “Hi, I’d like to return this. *hands me a metal, foot-operated garbage bin*

Me: “Sure. I’ll need the receipt, please.”

Customer: “I don’t have it.”

Me: “Okay, is there any reason why you’re returning it?”

Customer: “Yeah, my wife didn’t want it.”

Me: “Did you use it?”

Customer: “No.”

(I open it to find an old dirty sock.)

Me: “Sir, I can’t take this. There’s a dirty sock in there.”

Customer: “That was already in there.”

Me: “…”

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And Her Roots Were Blonde

, , , | Right | March 18, 2009

(I’m working a graveyard shift. It’s 3:00 am and a girl comes in, obviously more than mildly inebriated.)

Customer: “Umm… so, I came in here an hour ago and bought a Pepsi, and I like, took a drink of it just now, there was like, a hair in the Pepsi. Can I get another one for free?”

Me: “Do you mean there was a hair in the bottle when you drank it?”

Customer: “No, um, like, I took a drink, and one of my hairs got in my mouth at the same time, and I guess I bit it off and drank it too, and that was really gross so I like, threw the Pepsi away.”

Me: “So you swallowed your own hair, and you want me to pay for your Pepsi to make up for it?”

Customer: “Exactly! I’m sooooo glad you understand me!”

Me: “Um, no. You’re gonna have to pay, actually.”

Customer: “Aww, I knew that wouldn’t work. I told him that wouldn’t work. He like, told me I was cute enough that you’d give me free stuff, but I knew it wouldn’t work. Oh, well. I’ll pay, I guess!”

(She goes to the cooler and starts tapping on the lids of various bottles with her finger, before deciding on one half-way back on the rack, requiring her to take a dozen bottles off before getting to hers, and coming to the counter with it, leaving the rest on the floor.)

Me: “Um… what were you doing?”

Customer: “Checking for a fresh one! They like, sound different! You work here; you should totally know that! You’re not very good at your job, are you?”

 

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Disease Or Not, You’re Still A Douche

, , , | Right | March 12, 2009

(A customer has just finished placing a rather large and pricey order of several large popcorns loaded with butter, large drinks, and random candies.)

Me: “That’ll come to $55.75, sir.”

Customer: “Oh… I have cancer.”

Me: “Um… I’m sorry.”

Customer: “So, I don’t have to pay, right?”

Me: “No, you still have to pay.”

Customer: “Why? I’m a cancer patient!”

Me: “You’re also trying to walk away with nearly $60 in concession items. I’m sorry, but I can’t give that to you because you have cancer.”

Customer: “Oh, come on! What if I told you I had heart disease?”

Me: “I guess I’d have to ask why you’re in such a rush to kill yourself?”

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Smile – You’re On Scam-Cam

, | Right | March 9, 2009

Me: Hi, welcome to [Store]. How can I help you today?”

Customer: “I’ve been waiting here for fifteen minutes. I want everything here discounted.”

Me: “I left here maybe two minutes ago, max, to check the fitting rooms.”

Customer: “Are you calling me a liar?”

Me: “In short, yes.”

Customer: “Bull! Do you have any proof I wasn’t here earlier?!”

(I point to the huge camera on the ceiling.)

Customer: “…”

Me: “…”

Customer: “I’ll shut up now.”

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Literary Emergency

, , , , | Right | March 3, 2009

(During a busy day right before Christmas, a woman comes up to my register, cutting the entire line, and slaps a gift card down on the counter.)

Customer: “I need fifty dollars on this gift card.”

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, but there is a line and I’m afraid you’ll have to wait.”

Customer: “No.”

Me: “Excuse me?”

Customer: “I’ve been waiting here before any of these people got here! I NEED THIS GIFT CARD NOW!”

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, but I just can’t do that. You’ll have to wait like everyone else.”

Customer: “Now you’re just pretending you didn’t see me just so you can be a little b**** and tell me no! I want to speak to your manager!”

Me: “Ma’am, there’s no need to yell. I was busy with customers and didn’t see you standing there. I apologize for that, but I really must ask you to wait in line.”

Customer: “NO! You little b****! You don’t understand! I am a nurse! This is for a patient!”

Me: “My answer won’t change.”

Customer: “This is for a patient! It’s Christmas! Don’t you have a f****** heart?! Where is your Christmas spirit?!”

Me: “I’m Jewish.”

Customer: “Put fifty dollars on this gift card before I get you fired! This is for a patient and he is dying! I need it now!”

Me: “If he’s dying, what the h*** is he going to do with a gift card?”

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