Not Quite A Family Business

, , | Right | October 1, 2009

(The shop work in gives their staff a 15% discount using a discount card. Staff are allowed to lend that card to family members. On this particular day, I had left my name-tag at home.)

Me: “That will be 79.00, sir.”

Customer: “Oh, I get a discount. I just haven’t got the card at the moment.”

Me: “Okay, who do you know that works here?”

Customer: “Miss [My Name].”

Me: “How do you know her?”

Customer: “She’s my daughter!”

Me: “Dad, last time I saw you, you had a beard and glasses!”

Customer: “Excuse me?”

Me: “Sir, I’m Miss [My Name].”

Customer: “Oh, haha, very funny. You’ve had your fun. Now give me my discount.”

Me: “I’m afraid I can’t.”

Customer: “You lying b****! You’re not Miss [My Name]! I can’t believe my own daughter won’t give me a discount!”

(The customer leaves in a huff. The next customer is an older woman and is laughing.)

Next Customer: “So, can I be your grandmother?”

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The Mother Of All Excuses

, , , | Right | September 29, 2009

Caller: *crying* “I need an emergency credit on my account! My mom’s been in a car wreck and I can’t call the hospital because I don’t have any time on my phone.”

Me: “I’m so sorry to hear that your mom’s been in an accident. Let me look at your account to see if we can put a one-time courtesy credit on there.”

(I see that there have been $30 in credits given over the last month. I also notice her mother has been missing, dying, dead, beat up by a drunk boyfriend, stabbed, shot, and taken to the hospital because of a drug overdose. And now, she has been injured in a car wreck.)

Me: “I’m sorry, but I can’t put the credit on your account. You’ve received several courtesy credits in the past, and as per corporate policy we’re not allowed to give you any more.”

Caller: “But my mom’s in the hospital! She might die!”

Me: “I know how this kind of situation can be really rough on someone. Maybe a friend of yours will let you use their phone?”

Caller: “So you’re not going to put any money on my account?”

Me: “I’m sorry, but your account is not eligible for any further credits.”

Caller: “F*** you, b****!” *hangs up*

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An Open(ed) and Shut Case

, , , | Right | September 17, 2009

Customer: “I need to return this DVD player.”

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am. We actually can’t do a return on opened merchandise.”

Customer: “This isn’t open.”

Me: “It’s been opened and re-taped.”

Customer: “Why would you think that?”

Me: “Because no manufacturers use duct tape to seal boxes.”

Customer: “So you’re calling me a liar?”

Me: “I’m not trying to, but this has obviously been opened and re-taped and therefore can’t be returned.”

Customer: “What do you know? Where’s your manager?”

(I call my manager and he tells the customer the same things I told her and points out the duct tape. She starts cursing and pounding her fist the counter. My manager finally gives in just to get the customer out of the store. Twenty minutes pass and the phone rings.)

Me: “Thank you calling [Store]. How may I help you?”

Customer: “I returned a DVD player twenty minutes ago and forgot my DVD in it.”

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Putting The Why In The Y-Chromosome

, , | Right | September 7, 2009

(A man calls about his phone line that’s not working. After some checks, it’s clear that the fault is somewhere in our network.)

Me: All right, sir, I’ll open up a support ticket and put it through to our engineers. They’ll fix it for you.”

Male Caller: “They oughta fix it soon, because my mother is very ill and in the hospital. I want to be able to be called by the doctors.”

Me: “I’m sorry to hear that. These problems are normally solved pretty quickly, but I’ll make a note of it so that our engineers will give it a higher priority.”

Male Caller: “You’d better do that!”

(We end the call and I put the request through. When I check the ticket a day later, I see it has been solved about two hours after the initial call. As part of standard procedure, I call the man back. This time, a lady answers the phone.)

Me: “I’m calling you about the trouble you had regarding your phone line. Someone else called about this yesterday and I wanted to ask if everything was taken care of well.”

Female Caller: “Oh, it must have been my son who called about that. Well, everything was solved, and pretty quick, too.”

Me: “Your son? I’m glad to hear you’re out of the hospital already.”

Female Caller: “In the hospital? What are you talking about?”

Me: “Your son said you were very ill.”

Female Caller: “That liar! He told me he had a trick he uses to get problems like these solved. He does this all the time. I’ll make sure he won’t do this again!”

Me: “Okay. Well, have a nice day then.”

Female Caller: “You too, and I’m sorry about my son. He just looks like his father, that’s all!”

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Zombies Need High Speed Internet Too

, , , , | Right | August 25, 2009

Caller: “When is my DSL install going to be done?”

Me: “In two days, sir.”

Caller: “My wife and children just died in a car accident yesterday. I need the Internet sooner than that.”

Me: “I’m very sorry to hear that. I will provide you a complimentary dial-up account until your DSL is installed.”

Caller: “But dial-up is too slow… cancel my order!”

Me: “Sir, if I cancel your order and you wish to schedule service again later, there is a three-week wait.”

Caller: “I don’t care! Do it!”

(The next day, the same customer calls back.)

Caller: “Hi, I need to know when my DSL is being installed.”

Me: “Sir, you canceled your order yesterday. Would you like me to reschedule it?”

Caller: “Yes, but I’m not waiting weeks for it, my wife is divorcing me and my kids need it for school.”

Me: “I’m glad to hear that your wife and children have recovered from the fatal car accident.”

Caller: *silence* “So… can I still get the dial-up until my DSL is installed?”

Me: “Absolutely!”

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