And That’s How The Not-Free Cookie Crumbles

, , , , | Right | December 8, 2017

(A customer I’ve never seen before comes in and gets a sandwich, pays for it, and goes to wait for it to be made. He then asks one of my coworkers:)

Customer: “Could I have a cookie as well?”

Coworker: “Yes.”

(The customer helps himself to a cookie from the jar. He gets his sandwich and sits down to eat it. Then my coworker asks me:)

Coworker: “Did he pay you for a cookie?”

(Of course he didn’t pay for it, since he didn’t ask to get a cookie until after he paid, so I go over to him.)

Me: “Excuse me, but you have to pay for that cookie.”

Customer: “She gave it to me.”

Me: “Um, no, she didn’t just give it to you for free.”

Customer: “She said I could have it.”

Me: “Yeah… to pay for.”

Customer: “Well, how much is the cookie, then?” *getting out his wallet*

Me: Fifty cents.”

Customer: *as he’s pulling out a dollar bill* “Absolutely pathetic; making me pay for a stupid cookie.”

Me: “Yeah, it is pretty pathetic that you can’t afford a fifty-cent cookie.”

(He paid me the fifty cents and didn’t say a word after that. I don’t think I’ve ever seen someone eat and leave that fast before.)

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It’s The Middle Of The Day In India

, , , , , | Working | December 7, 2017

(It is about 12:30 am, I am having a hard time sleeping, and when I finally feel like I am going to fall asleep, my cell phone rings. I pick it up thinking it might be one of my relatives trying to contact me because something happened.)

Scammer: “This is Microsoft tech sup—”

Me: *cranky* “What the f***?! It’s midnight!”

Scammer: *continues on* “We detected a virus in your computer and—”

Me: “Listen here. It’s midnight. I do not have a virus, and it’s midnight. You do not call people this late at night.”

Scammer: “But it’s an emergency; we have a—”

Me: “Listen. I worked for a call center, and it is in fact illegal to solicit or cold-call people past 9:00 at night—”

Scammer: *interrupting with a condescending tone* “—but it’s not midnight here.”

Me:In their timezone, as I was going to say, you a**-backwards twit. You remove this number from your list of scams right now, or I will be forwarding it to the police. Got it? F*** off!”

(They hung up. Since then, I haven’t had another “Windows tech” call on my cell.)

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Dying To Be Taken Off Your List

, , | Working | December 1, 2017

(My friend answers the phone to an unknown number.)

Friend: “Hullo.”

Caller: “Hello, I can see from our records that you were recently involved in a car accident that wasn’t your fault.”

(My friend doesn’t even own a car.)

Friend: “Yes, I was, but I died in it. I’m dead now.”

Caller: “Oh! Um, er… sorry to hear that. I guess we’ll take your number off our database.”

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Bet You Dollars To Donuts He’s After Free Donuts

, , , , , | Right | November 30, 2017

(I work in a fast food restaurant. A woman comes in, visibly shaking with anger. Still, she’s polite to us, so we assume she’s angry at someone other than us. There are two of us here at the moment as it is shift changeover; normally only one person is there at a time.)

Customer: “I’ll have two doughnuts, please.”

Me: *hands over doughnuts* “That will be [price].”

Customer: “Do you have a phone number or website that I could register a complaint with?”

Me: “I’m the manager on duty; is there something I can help you with?”

Customer: “I was in here last week and the guy behind the counter was really rude to me! I asked for some doughnuts and he told me to eff off!”

Me: “I’m very sorry you had this experience, but there aren’t any men who work here. There’s only three of us, and we’re all females. Do you remember what time this was?”

Customer: “I was coming home from dropping my husband at the airport, so it was around 10:00 pm.”

Me: “I’m very sorry, but I’m quite confused. We close at 8:00 pm and throw out remaining stock. Are you sure it was this store?”

Customer: *getting very angry now* “Yes! I took a photo and everything! He was really rude; you’re lucky I bothered coming back!”

Me: “I’ll direct you to our website where you’ll be able to register your complaint with the photo. I really don’t know what to say; as I explained, there’s only three females who work here and we close at 8:00 pm.”

(I called my boss and explained what had happened. As far as we both know, the customer never formally complained nor showed us the photo.)

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The Evolution Of A Nuisance

, , , , , | Learning | November 29, 2017

Friend: “How does this evolution stuff work? I thought we were all made by the Lord Almighty in his image.” *crosses his heart*

(The teacher begrudgingly answers the question.)

Me: “Umm, I thought you were an atheist?”

Friend: “I am, but [Teacher] has been lying to my parents about how I’m a nuisance because I disagreed with our last piece of coursework, so I’m going to show her what a real nuisance is like.”

(For three months he asked the most ignorant and mind-numbing questions you can imagine. After our quarterly parent’s evening, he stopped, so I assume it all got sorted out.)

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