A customer came to the register with a crate of a few bottles of wine, and he handed me just one. This is pretty normal for people who are buying a lot of one thing so they don’t have to put everything on the counter. I put it in as eight bottles of that wine, which were about 6€ per bottle.

A few days later, when the wine department was doing inventory, they noticed a number of bottles of more expensive wine (about 30€ per bottle) were missing, but the register system didn’t show any being sold. They reviewed the security footage and found my customer in front of the shelf filling the crate with one bottle of the cheap wine and the rest with the expensive one, which looked identical. It was the same brand and vineyard but different years or something. Of course, he told me they were all the same cheaper wine, and I blindly trusted that because, A) people do this all the time, B) I didn’t know there were identical-looking wines with such a huge price differential, and C) he was a somewhat regular customer; I’d definitely seen him before, and the people who stole from us or scammed us usually only came once.

We’ve also had people trying to scam cashiers by asking them to exchange large bills and break them up into smaller ones and then constantly changing their minds on how they want the bills broken up to confuse the cashier into accidentally giving them more money than they were asking to exchange. It did work on a few people, and that actually led to a policy change; we’re not allowed to exchange anything above ten bucks now. Initially, it was actually no exchanges at all, but that led to a lot of customers getting upset at us when they’d try to get a coin for a cart or change for the copy machine and be told no.

I worked at a coffee chain inside of a retail chain. Because it was in a retail chain, we didn’t have our own phone line and we didn’t do online orders.

Customer: “I got a bad drink last time I was here. I called and a guy here said I could come in and get a free drink.”

My coworker overheard this.

Coworker: “A guy specifically?”

Customer: “Yes.”

Coworker: “That’s interesting. I’m the only man that works here.”

CONTENT WARNING: This story contains content of a health-related nature. It is not intended as health advice.

I used to work in a gym as a personal trainer. My main customers were those who needed the most help or greatest weight loss. Part of the service was a full meal plan and then a series of exercises for the gym and at home. It works every time if you follow it; I have a picture wall full of success stories.

After a while, I knew who would and wouldn’t stick to the plan. The ones that didn’t always told me one of three things.

1. A lie; they “somehow” gained weight every week even though they dieted and did all the exercises. (Honest.)
2. A sob story; they wanted to follow the plan but their hamster got a cold.
3. It was too hard or they didn’t like being hungry.

Either way, they all gave up and left, never to be seen again. 

[Customer] was an exception; she gave all the excuses but kept coming back. I nearly told her not to bother when she insulted me and my ability in her last blow-up. But she gave another sob story, and I foolishly let her back.

It was weighing day. I wasn’t looking forward to this.

Me: “It looks like you’ve gained this week, not much as last week. Where do you think you struggled this week?”

Customer: “I don’t know. I did all my exercises.”

Me: “How did you get on sticking to the meal plan?”

Customer: “Oh, I’m not sure.”

Me: “Shall we check the food diary?”

Customer: “Well, I guess, but I think I’ve done fine.”

I check the diary: cakes, fast food, pastries, sweets, you name it — all of which are not on her food plan.

Me: “I think I can see the issue here. You can exercise all you want, but if you are not giving your body the right fuel it needs, you won’t lose weight.”

Customer: “I’m allowed a treat now and then, aren’t I?”

Me: “This is a treat every single day if I look at last week’s food. I would say you ate enough calories for eleven days in seven.”

Customer: “There is no way you can tell that.”

Me: “I’ve been doing this for many years. But we can work it out if you like.”

Customer: “No, I don’t want to. I just need a different diet where I can eat these things and lose weight.”

Me: “You can’t eat takeaway, cakes, and deep-fried food every day unless you plan to run a marathon before breakfast.”

Customer: “You just don’t know what you are talking about.”

Me: “I think we are done here. If you can’t follow a simple plan, I am unable to help you. I will refund the rest of the year’s membership fees.”

Customer: “You can’t fire me! My husband won’t give me my weekly treat money if I don’t come to these classes.”

Me: “I’m sorry, but you are not benefiting from these sessions, and frankly, your attitude has not been good enough on several occasions.”

Customer: “But you won’t tell him, right?”

Me: “He will probably notice when the direct debit doesn’t go through.”

Customer: “Oh, I will just tell him there is some issue with the bank.”

I didn’t tell her that we also send an email when we cancel any service. I wrote a very descriptive email explaining why she wasn’t welcome here anymore. I didn’t get a response, but I would have loved to hear the conversation that happened afterward.

In 2005, I am a moderator for a large forum-based website with customizable avatars and an onsite economy. People can share their AIM usernames in their basic profile information. Unfortunately, a lot of scammers will take advantage of this as a way to target people that can’t be traced to their actual forum account. One day, I receive a message on site from another member.

Member: “My password is [password].”

Me: “Do not share your password! The only person who will ever need your password is you!”

Member: “But you asked for it on AIM.”

Me: “That wasn’t me. That was a scammer pretending to be me. My AIM username is [same username as on the website]. Do not give out your password. You should probably change your password, too, now that you’ve given it to me.”

Member: “You’re a scammer!”

Me: “What? I’m trying to help you not get scammed!”

Member: “You asked for my password! I’m reporting you!”

Me: “Okay, go right ahead.”

I have no idea if she reported me or not because nobody ever talked to me about it again. I did later meet someone who had been successfully scammed by my imitator, but by the point we met, they had let go of it and found it funny.

Related:
The Final Word On Passwords, Part 13
The Final Word On Passwords, Part 12
The Final Word On Passwords, Part 11
The Final Word On Passwords, Part 10
The Final Word On Passwords, Part 9

My dad owns a store where he sells DVDs, video games, and CDs. I’m his only son.

Customer: “I would like to purchase these movies, and I’m family, so I get a discount.”

Me: “No, you’re not, and no, you don’t.”

Customer: “F*** you, you goth! I’m the owner’s sister!”

Me: “I’m his son, and I know for a fact that he doesn’t have any sisters, only brothers.”

Customer: “Well, I’m your long-lost aunt!”

Me: “Hey, Uncle!”

Uncle: “What’s up, [My Name]?”

Me: “Did you ever have a sister?”

Uncle: “Nope. We were all boys.”

The customer screeched like a banshee and then sulked while paying full price.

Related:
The Family Business Is None Of Yours, Part 3
The Family Business Is None Of Yours, Part 2
The Family Business Is None Of Yours