Mini Big Lies

, , | Working | January 5, 2018

(I’ve been looking online for a car, and find a MINI Cooper that I LOVE the looks of. I submit a request to have the car moved to my local dealership, I get a phone call shortly after, and eventually meet in person. Here’s a collection of questions I asked and the answers I received.)

Saleswoman: “I see you’re interested in the 2008 MINI Cooper S?”

Me: “Yes! Thanks for calling; I actually have quite a few questions that weren’t addressed on your site.”

Saleswoman: “Okay, shoot.”

Me: “What kind of gas does it take? It looks really sporty, so I’m concerned it needs premium.”

Saleswoman: “Nope, it takes regular.”

(I learn later that was a lie.)

Me: “Okay, great! And what is the mileage like? Google says it’s in the low 20s, which seems low for such a little car.”

Saleswoman: “It actually gets closer to 35.”

(I learn later that was a lie.)

Me: “Great! And what’s in the ‘cold weather package’?”

Saleswoman: “That’s heated seats, heated steering wheel, and a more powerful defroster.”

(I learn later that was a lie.)

Me: “I see that the engine says it requires MINI Synthetic Oil. I normally go to [Popular Store] for oil changes; will they be able to do that?”

Saleswoman: “Oh, sure, no problem.”

(I learn later that was a lie.)

Me: *seeing the phone button on the steering wheel* “How do you use the Bluetooth?”

Saleswoman: “You just hit the button and turn Bluetooth on on your phone, and it’ll sync up. It’s real easy.”

(I learn later that was a lie; the car had the button but didn’t even have Bluetooth installed. Moral of the story: ignore the salespeople.)

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Trying Their Best To Park

, , | Right | January 2, 2018

(I work as a security officer for a local theme park. Occasionally, the parent company will rent out the park after hours to host private events, usually corporate parties for big companies. When this story takes place, I and the other officers are sweeping out the day guests, and we’ve been instructed to be a little more insistent since catering has to set up for a private event an hour after park close. The tables and lights are already set up as we’re waiting on the last guests to exit a ride, when two teenagers approach me. Keep in mind, all of the event guests will be arriving by bus after park close.)

Guest #1: “Where do we go for the special event?”

Me: “I’m sorry, you’re part of the event?”

Guest #2: “Yeah! Well, uh, his dad is. And he’s getting us in.”

([Guest #1] then puts on his sunglasses (it’s dark) and crosses his arms like some corporate executive.)

Me: *starting to laugh, thinking it’s a joke* “Are you sure?”

([Guest #2] looks from his friend to me, starting to laugh nervously.)

Guest #2: “Yeah, uh, what’s wrong?”

Me: “Uh, maybe you’re here for [Other Event in Other Park]?”

Guest #1: “Oh, is it in [Other Park]?”

Me: “Well, we have a couple of events going on tonight in different locations. What company is your dad with?”

Guest #1: “Uh…” *looks at friend* “…Microsoft?”

Me: *smiling knowingly* “There’s no event for Microsoft.”

Guest #2: “Oh, well, we’ll just find out where to go somewhere else!”

(They both stormed off, [Guest #1] still wearing his sunglasses. By that point the final guests were getting off the ride and my coworkers all had a good laugh about it. I gotta give props to the two of them for sticking with their ruse to the end, though.)

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No Refunds, No Ifs, No Peanuts

, , , , , | Right | January 1, 2018

(A man calls my coffee shop on a Monday morning.)

Caller: “Yeah, my wife had some problems with an iced coffee.”

Me: “Okay, what happened?”

Caller: “She got one of those peanut butter [blended drinks] and she said it was really watery.”

Me: “Okay, her drink was too watery. What would you like me to do about this?”

Caller: “I want you to replace the drink.”

Me: “Well, I haven’t made any of those today, so I’ll have to pass you–“

Caller: “It was last night. She got it last night.”

Me: “Sir, this store isn’t open on weekends.”

Caller: *click*

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Fifty Reasons To Fire You

, , , , , | Working | January 1, 2018

(I have just started my shift. I do a quick safe check, because I notice that the compulsory daily check hasn’t been done, and I find it’s down $50. I check with my manager and fellow supervisor, who are both about to go home.)

Me: “Has anyone done a safe check or taken change today?”

(Both answer no.)

Me: “The safe is down $50.”

Manager: “Oh, yeah, I know; I took it to buy everyone dinner the other day. I haven’t been to the bank yet.”

(I offered to pay on the day we had dinner but the manager assured us that he had the money. The other supervisor and I look at each other with our eyes wide and both go for our wallets. I find $30 and she finds $20. )

Manager: “What are you two doing? I’ll pay it back by the weekend.”

Me: “You remember we’re due to be audited today or tomorrow?”

(Both of those are my managerial shifts, which would make me directly responsible for any shortfalls.)

Manager: “I just borrowed it; what would they do?”

Me: “What, apart from the instant firing, all of us ending up with police records?”

Manager: “I just borrowed it; it’s not wrong if I intend to pay it back. You’re just overreacting.”

Me: “They won’t see it as borrowing, and you’ve just made us accomplices after the fact.”

(He had also been falsifying records for the past two days. I suspect he would have happily let me take the blame or pay the $50 out of my own pocket when I noticed later that day; he doesn’t particularly like me because I keep pulling him up for doing things like this.)

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Isn’t Really Selling Their Innocence

, , , , , , | Working | January 1, 2018

(I’ve been searching for a job for a while and have gotten hired at a place that does at-home presentations. It’s my first day, and I’m paired with one of the senior trainers who’s been told to take me around his assigned territory.)

Trainer: “So, just to let you know, I got a DUI last week, so forgive me that I have to do the stupid breathalyzer thing every time I start my car up.”

(We get into his car, which is overloaded with trash, and the trainer grumbles about how it wasn’t his fault, his friend spiked his drinks, the police were bullying him, and so on, as he blows into the ignition interlock that’s been fitted. I try to ignore this, telling myself I need this job, I’m a good salesman, and once I get the gist of this I can drive my own car from place to place. For most of the day, the trainer just runs me through the gauntlet of what to say for each presentation, how we receive calls from potential customers, the sheets we have to fill out for each house we visit, etc. Every so often he brings up again how he’s not to blame for the DUI, and curses the police whenever he has to blow into the ignition interlock; however, things don’t go south until later in the afternoon, when the trainer suddenly stops in the middle of telling me something and looks at his rear-view mirror.)

Trainer: “D*** it! No, please, not now!”

(I look behind us and notice a cop car with their lights flashing. The trainer keeps cursing as he pulls over and turns to me.)

Trainer: “Okay, look. I need you to do me a favor. Tell the officer this is your car and you’re just letting me drive it!”

Me: “What?”

Trainer: “I have expired license plates! I can’t let that be added to my record, too!”

Me: “Wait, what about your registration?”

Trainer: “It’s expired, too! So is my license! Look, just tell this guy it’s your car! I’m begging you!”

Me: “I can’t do that!”

Trainer: “You don’t understand! I can’t go back to jail again!”

(The cop knocks on the window.)

Trainer: “Remember, this is your car!”

(He rolls the window down and repeats the same thing he just told me. The cop looks at me questioningly.)

Me: “This isn’t my car.”

(The trainer ended up being arrested on the spot, because his expired license meant he shouldn’t have been on the road at all. The cop let me go after confirming my identity and my statement that I did not own the car, and I ended up having to catch the bus back to the office, since I’d left my own vehicle there. I quit that job shortly after.)

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