Literary Emergency

, , , , | Right | March 3, 2009

(During a busy day right before Christmas, a woman comes up to my register, cutting the entire line, and slaps a gift card down on the counter.)

Customer: “I need fifty dollars on this gift card.”

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, but there is a line and I’m afraid you’ll have to wait.”

Customer: “No.”

Me: “Excuse me?”

Customer: “I’ve been waiting here before any of these people got here! I NEED THIS GIFT CARD NOW!”

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, but I just can’t do that. You’ll have to wait like everyone else.”

Customer: “Now you’re just pretending you didn’t see me just so you can be a little b**** and tell me no! I want to speak to your manager!”

Me: “Ma’am, there’s no need to yell. I was busy with customers and didn’t see you standing there. I apologize for that, but I really must ask you to wait in line.”

Customer: “NO! You little b****! You don’t understand! I am a nurse! This is for a patient!”

Me: “My answer won’t change.”

Customer: “This is for a patient! It’s Christmas! Don’t you have a f****** heart?! Where is your Christmas spirit?!”

Me: “I’m Jewish.”

Customer: “Put fifty dollars on this gift card before I get you fired! This is for a patient and he is dying! I need it now!”

Me: “If he’s dying, what the h*** is he going to do with a gift card?”

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Fibbing Fail

, , | | Right | October 16, 2008

Me: “Hi, how can I help you?”

Customer: “I need to return this d*** camera.”

Me: “Sure, was it not working?”

Customer: “I just don’t want it, okay?”

Me: “Okay. Have you opened the box yet?”

Customer: “Why does that matter?”

Me: “Well, as the sticker on the box says, if the box is opened and you return it, I have to charge you a restocking fee.”

Customer: “Oh. No… no, it hasn’t been opened.”

(I look and the box has been clearly opened, with a torn seal.)

Me: “Uh… are you sure it hasn’t been opened?”

Customer: “LOOK! ARE YOU CALLING ME A F***ING LIAR? Where is your manager? I spend hundreds of thousands of dollars here and this is how I’m treated?!”

Me: “Ma’am, if you just–”

Customer: “THESE PEOPLE CALL CUSTOMERS LIARS! DON’T SHOP HERE!”

Me: “Ma’am, I believe you! I will return it!”

Customer: “That’s right you will!”

Me: “Can I see your receipt?”

Customer: “It’s in the box.”

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Piss Poor Pizza Poacher

, , , | | Right | September 29, 2008

Me: “Hello, [Pizza Place]. how can I help you?”

Customer: “Hi, I’m supposed to get a free pizza because you guys made it wrong last time.”

Me: “Okay, sir, can I have your address, please?”

Customer: “Why?”

Me: “So I can look up your credit; we file them by address.”

(He gives me his address, which isn’t in the file. I try every possible means to verify his story, and am finally convinced that he’s lying.)

Me: “Did the person you dealt with last time ask for your address?”

Customer:“No, they just said I could have a free pizza.”

Me: “Did they happen to give you their name?”

Customer: “No, it was just some guy.”

(I’m the only male manager at the restaurant.)

Me: “I’m sorry, sir, but I can’t give you a free pizza.”

Customer: “Why not?”

Me: “Because I have no record of it. I can’t just give pizza away to anybody who says we screwed up.”

Customer: “Are you calling me a liar?”

Me: “Yes.”

Customer: “Excuse me?! What is your name?”

Me: “My name is ‘guy-who’s-not-giving-you-a-free-pizza.’ What’s yours?”

Customer: “I want to speak to your manager!”

Me: “I am the manager.”

Customer: “Well, haven’t you ever heard that the customer is always right?”

Me: “Yes, that’s what people say when they’re trying to rip us off.” *click*

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Cheapskates: FAIL

, , , | | Right | September 20, 2008

Customer: “Hey, can I get these rolls at a discount?”

Me: “No, I’m sorry sir, it’s only 6:00. We don’t discount the bags until right before close.”

Customer: “Well, the girl last night let me do it!”

Me: “Sir, I was working last night, and no, I did not.”

Customer: “Alright, it was the night before! That girl!”

Me: “Richard?”

Customer: *slinks away*

 

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Shoulda Filled It With Apples

, , , | | Right | April 24, 2008

Customer: “I want to return this computer.”

Me: “Okay, I can help you with that. Where is it?”

(The customer puts a badly damaged computer box on the counter. I open the box and find that it’s filled with oranges.)

Me: “I’m sorry, sir, I’m unable to accept this for return.”

Customer: “When I opened the box, it was filled with oranges! I want my money back.”

Me: “Can I see your receipt?”

(The customer hands me a hand written receipt from a generic receipt book.)

Me: “I’m sorry, sir, this is not a store receipt. I’m unable to accept this.”

Customer: “The guy I bought it from said he got it here for $99 dollars and if I didn’t like it, I could return it here. I want my money back, I got ripped off!”

Me: “Sir, I apologize that you gave this guy your money, but it seems he gave you a box of oranges and a fake receipt. I’m unable to help you…”

(At this point customer gets very loud and starts throwing oranges around the store. Someone calls the police and he is eventually arrested. To this day, I’m unsure if I should laugh or feel sorry for the guy.)

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