It’s Like She’s Toying With You

, , , , , | Right | January 8, 2018

(I work on a cruise ship as a dishwasher and we’ve just arrived in Stockholm. We’re in quite a rush, and it’s only my coworker and me left to do a huge pile of dishes before we have to lock down the pentry. The bar is already locked down and our supervisors have left. The only set of keys to the bar is three decks down. A few minutes before closing, one of the bartenders brought in a cheap toy — something you get for free when you pick up a piece of candy sold everywhere — which was left behind by some parent and then put it in the now locked-down bar section. The parent suddenly appears in the kitchen, holding his happy-looking baby.)

Parent: “Excuse me, have you guys seen a toy somewhere? I must have left it behind and we need to get off the boat.”

Coworker: “Yes, actually. One of our bartenders took it into the bar, and we’re closed now. They’ve locked all the doors; I’m sorry.”

Parent: “You have to do something! You need to kick in the door! My baby won’t stop crying; he loves that toy!” *the very happy-looking baby laughs*

Me: “I’m very sorry, sir, but we don’t have the keys to the bar, for security reasons. There’s nothing we can do. You can pick up the toy in Stockholm, too; it’s cheap and comes with [Candy].”

Parent: *shouting* “NO! HE WANTS THIS TOY! HE WON’T STOP CRYING! DO SOMETHING!” *the baby giggles*

Coworker: *looks at me, then nods* “All right, sir, I’ll try and call one of our supervisors to bring up the keys.”

Parent: “YES! THANK YOU!”

(No one answers my coworkers call, which isn’t unexpected, since we’ve all been up since 2:00 am and everyone usually goes straight to their cabin to catch up on their sleep.)

Coworker: “I’m sorry, but they’re not answering. I guess I could run down to the reception and see if the keys are there.”

Parent: *yelling even louder* “YES, YOU WILL! BRING ME MY CHILD’S TOY!”

(My coworker leaves and I’m left alone to try and rush through all the tasks, moving as fast as I can in the very small kitchen. The parent steps in.)

Me: “Sir, please, if you could just wait outside. My coworker is trying to find the keys and we’ll try to help, but I really need the space to do our tasks. She’ll be with you as fast as she can.”

Parent: “When will she get back?”

Me: “As fast as she can.”

Parent: “In two minutes? When will she be back?”

Me: *losing my temper a bit* “Sir, it will take the time it takes. The reception is three decks down and about 750 people are between her and the desk, getting off the boat. Are you sure you can’t pick up the toy in Stockholm? They sell it literally everywhere.”

Parent: “NO! HE WANTS THIS ONE! IT’S VERY IMPORTANT!”

(After a few minutes, my coworker arrived with the keys, looking flustered but happy to be able to help, opened the bar, and handed the toy to the baby. The parent did not say thank you, and the happy-looking, giggling baby started crying the moment he saw the toy. Thanks for nothing, I guess.)

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Label Them Stupid

, , , , | Right | January 8, 2018

(It’s a Saturday, and since Saturdays are usually pretty slow, my boss only has one of us working. It happens to be my Saturday, so I’m the only one working in the store.)

Customer: *on the phone* “Can I ship my [Competing Company] package there?”

Me: “No, we don’t ship for [Competing Company]. If you already have a label, you can call [Competing Company’s phone number] and arrange a pickup with them. If you need a label, you’ll have to call their customer service line.”

Customer: “Oh, okay, great. Well, thanks for that information! You’re very helpful!”

Me: “Oh, thanks! You have a great rest of the day.”

(We hang up. Not even 15 minutes go by before a customer comes into the store. He says hello, and I recognize his voice as the caller from a few minutes ago.)

Me: “What can I do for you?”

Customer: “Yeah, um… I called a bit ago… Maybe about half an hour, now? And I spoke with someone; I don’t think it was you, and they told me I can get a [Competing Company] label here?”

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Hungry For Some Justice

, , , , , , , | Related | January 5, 2018

(I have an older in-law who is a big time user; she tries to con everyone she can. Her big thing right now is trying to con everyone into taking her out for a steak dinner. Not a quick fast food meal; she wants a big, expensive meal with appetizers and the works. She will pull the, “Oh, I have never been to a nice restaurant,” and puppy-dog eyes routine, whining and begging. It never works with me. We have just moved into a new home with a two-month-old baby. The power has not been turned on yet so I have family who lend me a cooler and fill it with sandwich meat and leftovers from when we had dinner at their house the night before. I am cleaning and the elderly in-law is visiting with another in-law who is outside helping my husband build a deck. She speaks to me in her fake Southern accent.)

In-Law: “Oh, dear, my dinner bell is going off.”

(I am not stupid, and I am not playing that game. I tell her I had some sandwich meat and I could make her something.)

In-Law: “Oh, I don’t like sandwiches, dear.”

Me: “Okay, well, I have some leftovers from my mother’s house you are welcome to have.”

In-Law: “Oh, I don’t do leftovers, dear.”

Me: “Well, then I guess you’re not hungry… DEAR.”

(She had the look of deer in headlights on her face. She made an insulted face, got up, and walked out of the house. She did not return until over ten years later. Several other in-laws told me if they knew that that was all it took to get rid of her for a decade they would have done the same thing.)

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Fire That Glitch!

, , , , , | Working | January 5, 2018

(I have just gotten a job at a sword shop in the local renaissance fair. This fair is open most of the summer, but the owner of the shop also sells at two other fairs. It’s the end of the day, and I’m just learning how to close out my register.)

Owner: “Next, you compare the total cash in the drawer to what the computer says it should be.”

Me: “They’re the same.”

Owner: “They’re supposed to be the same, but there’s a glitch in the software somewhere that I haven’t been able to fix. How far off is yours?”

Me: “No, they’re the same.” *I point to the numbers and show him that my totals match, right down to the penny*

Owner: “That’s weird. At my other locations they’re usually off by a couple hundred dollars. I wonder if the software company finally got it fixed? I guess we’ll know tomorrow.”

(My totals were never off by more than five cents. Mine was the ONLY register that was always spot-on. After a few rounds of this, he figured out why, and fired the cashiers at his other shops for stealing.)

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Mini Big Lies

, , | Working | January 5, 2018

(I’ve been looking online for a car, and find a MINI Cooper that I LOVE the looks of. I submit a request to have the car moved to my local dealership, I get a phone call shortly after, and eventually meet in person. Here’s a collection of questions I asked and the answers I received.)

Saleswoman: “I see you’re interested in the 2008 MINI Cooper S?”

Me: “Yes! Thanks for calling; I actually have quite a few questions that weren’t addressed on your site.”

Saleswoman: “Okay, shoot.”

Me: “What kind of gas does it take? It looks really sporty, so I’m concerned it needs premium.”

Saleswoman: “Nope, it takes regular.”

(I learn later that was a lie.)

Me: “Okay, great! And what is the mileage like? Google says it’s in the low 20s, which seems low for such a little car.”

Saleswoman: “It actually gets closer to 35.”

(I learn later that was a lie.)

Me: “Great! And what’s in the ‘cold weather package’?”

Saleswoman: “That’s heated seats, heated steering wheel, and a more powerful defroster.”

(I learn later that was a lie.)

Me: “I see that the engine says it requires MINI Synthetic Oil. I normally go to [Popular Store] for oil changes; will they be able to do that?”

Saleswoman: “Oh, sure, no problem.”

(I learn later that was a lie.)

Me: *seeing the phone button on the steering wheel* “How do you use the Bluetooth?”

Saleswoman: “You just hit the button and turn Bluetooth on on your phone, and it’ll sync up. It’s real easy.”

(I learn later that was a lie; the car had the button but didn’t even have Bluetooth installed. Moral of the story: ignore the salespeople.)

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