This Is The Scam That Doesn’t End

, , , , , | Working | October 9, 2018

Scam Caller: *recording* “This is the final notice about your credit card. Please press one to be connected to an agent to resolve this issue.”

Me: *presses one*

Scam Caller: “Hello. How are you today?”

Me: “I’m fine. Could you please hold?”

Scam Caller: “Yes.”

Me: “Thank you!”

(I cued up a ten-hour YouTube video of Lamb Chop’s “This is the song that doesn’t end,” and took the dogs for a walk. Yes, I keep a hot-link to this video now, for this exact purpose. But I’m a little surprised; usually they hang up after the first few seconds, but this scammer lasted a couple of minutes at least. And the dogs had a nice little walk.)

 

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Strongly Massaging Their Need To Use The Restroom

, , , , | Right | October 8, 2018

(I work at a locally-owned massage business as a receptionist. A fairly skinny woman comes in:)

Customer: “Hi, I want to make an appointment, but can I use your bathroom really quick? I’m pregnant and have to pee all the time.”

(I notice she’s not visibly pregnant, but brush it off.)

Me: “Okay, it’s upstairs, the first room on the right.”

Customer: “Thanks.”

(She looks around and says, fairly loudly:)

Customer: “WOW! THIS PLACE IS GORGEOUS!” *runs upstairs*

(She’s upstairs for a long time, when finally I hear the bathroom door shut. She doesn’t come down for a while. I hear her thumping around upstairs, and then finally she comes down, in a rush.)

Customer: “I JUST REMEMBERED; I HAVE TO MEET MY SISTER! I’LL BE BACK. BYE!” *rushes out the door*

(I knew she took something, but we don’t keep anything valuable upstairs. She took a metal bowl and a desk clock, but the weirdest part was that she crumpled up a newly-folded blanket and threw it in the corner. She never came back.)

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Self-Defeating Storage

, , , | Right | October 5, 2018

(A woman calls in a few days after her storage unit has come due. There are only three employees that work in this office: me, my best friend, and my fiancé. My best friend answers the phone.)

Coworker: “Thank you for calling [Self Storage]. This is [Coworker]; how can I help you? Okay, what’s the last name on your account? You handed it to a guy? And you made a payment here? All right, I’m going to look over the account for a moment and give you a call back in around ten minutes.”

Me: “What’s going on?”

Coworker: “This lady said she vacated at the end of July and gave a vacate form to ‘a guy in the office.’ Was [Fiancé] even in last week?”

(My fiancé has been in and out of the office for the past month due to a surgery on his ankle.)

Me: “No, he was still on bed rest that week.”

Coworker: “Okay, so that’s a lie. She says she sent in a payment to our facility but she meant to send it to [Sister Storage Company] where she apparently moved her things to. How do I fix that?”

Me: “Um, let me go and check her unit to make sure she actually vacated before we do anything.”

(I go out to her storage unit and find the door open with the tenant’s items still in the unit. As she came due three days ago, her only option is to stay for an additional month and make sure her things are taken out by the end of August. I relay this information to my friend who calls the tenant back while I leave the room to make lunch. I overhear this from the other room.)

Coworker: “No, I cannot refund the entire payment… Because you already came due for this month and didn’t vacate the unit… Ma’am, when you vacate your unit, your things have to vacate with you.”

(I walk back into the room, laughing into my ravioli.)

Coworker: “She hung up on me!”

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Time To Scratch Off This Relationship

, , , , , , | Related | October 5, 2018

My brother is one of the worst human beings on the face of the earth, and it is no secret to most in my family that we despise each other. When our parents separated, he went with our father — who is just as bad — much to my joy.

Still, our mother has the attitude that he can change. That unfortunately means he is invited to most holidays, including Christmas. The rest of the family aren’t exactly enthusiastic to have him around, but we are making an attempt for our mother’s sake. Eventually, I head into my room where he has his back to me and is looking into the box where I am keeping a few scratch-off cards I managed to win close to $100 on. I am understandably suspicious but I back off, and it is clear he hasn’t noticed me. A few minutes later, I go in and I see him tucking something into his pocket.

I say nothing, letting time pass until he leaves, and then checking my box to see exactly what I expected: my scratch-offs are gone. Naturally, I tell the rest of my family, and another of my brothers heads out, returning some time later with $150 — the extra $50 are an apology from another family member. The worst part is that my mother still insists on forgiving him, and tries to get us to make up, insisting he’s changed now that he’s got a job.

No one’s told her that he’s been posting pictures of his “stash” on Facebook.

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We Think We Know Where That Nausea Came From

, , , , | Healthy | October 5, 2018

A patient has called for an ambulance because they feel nauseated.

Once in their hospital room, they order two medium pizzas from [Pizza Chain].

They then demand a free cab ride to get home.

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