A Product Of Fraudulent Taxes

, , , , , | Legal | November 21, 2018

(I work for a woman who has a fashion and jewelry import business, and she is trying to set up sales reps in other cities. She has just sent one rep a sales kit of some somewhat pricey jewelry, and the rep has ghosted us, stealing the jewelry. My boss’s solution for this?)

Boss: “Well… tax season is coming soon; maybe we’ll just 1099 her for it.”

Me: “What do you mean?”

Boss: “We can say the product was her payment and put it on her 1099! Then we’ll get it as a tax credit, and she’ll have to pay for it in her taxes.”

Me: “Uh…”

Boss: “We can even say the product was worth a lot more! Like, we can put [amount ten times the product’s value].”

(I’m starting to feel like this is sketchy.)

Me: “I don’t think we can. That’s fraud.”

Boss: “Who’s going to find out?”

Me: “[Rep] will report us to the IRS.”

Boss: *most arrogant tone possible* “How can she? She’s the one committing a crime!”

Me: “She has proof the items in her kit weren’t really worth that much. We sent out a packing list to all the reps, saying what products we sent them and what the value was.”

Boss: *deflated, so disappointed she doesn’t get to commit tax fraud* “Oh, yeah. Okay, so we can’t do that… but we can still put the value of products she got on her 1099 as compensation!”

Me: “I don’t think this is a good idea. Why don’t we just contact the police in her state and report that she committed theft?”

Boss: “That’s too hard.”

(Her accountant, who was probably also kind of shady, said that “payment in product” was a totally legit thing to put on a 1099, so as far as I know she went ahead with this scam. I don’t know; I quit — after tax season, to make sure she didn’t get mad at me and send me a bogus 1099 saying I had been “paid in product” ten times more than my actual salary — and got a job where the boss didn’t try to implicate me in fraud. My old boss is still in business, last I heard. I feel bad for her employees.)

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The Spelling Has Become A Bit Vulgar Of Late

, , , , , | Related | November 20, 2018

(Perhaps because of their age, my parents are the target of a lot of scam calls. Luckily they don’t fall for them, and my mom in particular enjoys messing with these callers. One day the phone rings and the caller ID reads, “Columbia University.” Already suspecting a scam, my mom picks up. A man with a strong Indian accent speaks.)

Scammer: “I am calling from Microsoft Windows; we are calling to inform you that there is a virus on your computer.”

Mom: “And you’re calling from Columbia University?”

Scammer: *a pause* “That is where I am calling from, yes.”

Mom: “Can you even spell Columbia?”

Scammer: *offended* “Of course I can!”

(And to my mom’s surprise he actually does. Or, well, attempts to.)

Scammer: “It’s C…” *very long pause* “O… L…*another long pause, and then he apparently gives up* “F*** YOU!” *slams the phone down*

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When Scammers Call Sex Lines

, , , , , | Friendly | November 20, 2018

(When scammers call, we like to scam them right back. I answer a call with a very breathy, “Hello.” The guy starts his spiel.)

Me: *interrupting with a very sexy-sounding* “What are you wearing?”

(He stutters, but continues his speech.)

Me: “I’m picturing you in fishnet stockings and stilettos.”

Scammer: “WHAT?!” *silence for a moment, then* “Guys! You have to hear this!”

(I hung up before he could hear my laughter.)

 

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Show Crime

, , | Right | November 16, 2018

(I’ve sold a ticket to a man for a 5:00 pm show time. A few minutes later, I see him out of the corner of my eye entering the theater. It’s not even 1:00 pm yet. There’s an earlier showing of the movie already playing, plus a 2:30 pm showing before the one he bought his ticket for. I call a manager who goes into the theater and comes out with the man. I hear the following exchange.)

Manager: “I understand you bought a ticket to the five o’clock show time. If you’d like to see the rest of the current show time, I’ll have to ask you to exchange your ticket for it or buy a ticket to get in.”

Customer: “But this one is already playing!”

Manager: “I understand, sir.”

Customer: “Why can’t I just go see this one?”

Manager: “Because you didn’t buy a ticket to this show time.”

Customer: “But I bought a ticket to the five o’clock show time! So I should be able to watch the end of this.”

Manager: “That’s not how that works, sir.”

Customer: “Why not?”

Manager: “Sir, you bought a ticket for a specific show time. You need to go to that show time.”

Customer: *acting like he’s the smartest guy in the world* “But I just figured I’d watch the end of this one, and then I could also see the two-thirty show time and the five o’clock show time!”

Manager: *taken aback* “Sir, you essentially just told me you’re paying for one show time, but seeing three movies.”

Customer: *proud* “Yup!”

Manager: “Sir, that’s basically stealing.”

Customer: “How so?”

Manager: “You’re viewing two shows without paying for them!”

Customer: “But how is it stealing? I’m not taking them home.”

Manager: “You’re using a paid service without paying for it.”

Customer: “But it can’t be stealing if I’m not taking the movie home!”

Manager: “Seriously? You’re acquiring and using a service without paying for it. What else would you call it besides stealing of services?”

Customer: *beaming* “Being a smart customer who knows his rights!”

Manager: “Speaking of rights, you know I have the right to kick you out, right?”

Customer: *suddenly bolting towards the exit door* “I’ll be back at five!”

 

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A Bag Of Old Tricks

, , , , | Right | November 15, 2018

(I am working in the concession stand where we offer free refills on large popcorns on the same day of purchase. A customer approaches and takes an old popcorn bag out of his jacket pocket.)

Not-So-Sneaky Snacker: “Can I get a refill?”

Me: “I’m sorry, we only offer refills on popcorn for the same day of purchase.”

Not-So-Sneaky Snacker: “I bought this today.”

Me: “Sir, I know that’s not true. That’s not the bag we’re currently using, I just saw you come in from outside, and you are literally the first customer of the day.”

(He opened his mouth as though to argue, but instead just slunk away in defeat. A few months later, he was permanently banned for defrauding the theater’s rewards program, and for sexually harassing one of the managers.)

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