Time To Appoint A Different Voice

, , , | Right | July 21, 2018

(I work in a government call centre. Occasionally customers have appointees to speak and handle their affairs for them. I receive a call from a man who is clearly inebriated, but we finally get through security questions. I realise he has an appointee, so I am unable to make the changes to his account that he requests.)

Me: “I am sorry, [Customer]; I cannot change that information without your appointee’s permission.”

Customer: “Oh, that’s fine. She is with me now; I’ll put her on.”

(A moment later I hear voice say, “Hello,” but it is clearly still the customer.)

Me: “Hello, who is this, please?”

Customer: “I am [Appointee]; I am the appointee.”

Me: “[Customer], I know that is you. Is the appointee really available for me to speak to?”

Customer: “Yes, I am the appointee!”

Me: “[Customer]…”

Customer: “Yes? *pause as he realises what he just said* “Who am I speaking with? My name is [Appointee] and I am an appointee!”

(After several failed attempts to speak to his appointee failed, I had to end the call. He didn’t even bother disguising his voice in any way!)

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Lower Your Guard, Not Your Price

, , , , | Right | July 20, 2018

(I manage a distribution center, but I am filling in for the manager of another facility for the week. One of the duties of the branch manager is to fill all walk-in orders.)

Customer: “What are your prices?”

Me: *indicating clearly-marked price board* “The prices are [amount] and [volume discount price].”

Customer: “Well, I always pay [lower price]. I buy from the other branch all the time and they give me a discount!”

Me: “You mean the facility in [City]?”

Customer: “Yes, I purchase from them all the time! You should give me the same price.”

Me: “That’s odd; I don’t recall ever seeing you before.”

Customer: “Why would you have seen me before?!”

Me: “I am the manager of the branch in [City], and I handle all accounts for that location.”

Customer: “Um, I’ll just take [product] at regular price.”

Me: “Thank you. Have a nice day, sir.”

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The Demands Fell Right In His Lap

, , , , , | Right | July 20, 2018

(I am a customer in this one, at a popular pizza chain with a friend. We have spent the day shopping and are getting a bite for dinner. There is a family at the next table across from us, and the husband is kicking off at everything. When they order drinks he screams at the waitress because he says she got his order wrong. He keeps saying they got things wrong or that they’ve had to wait for a long time — it is Friday night and it is the dinner time rush — and he just keeps being really rude. It is obvious he is just trying to eat for free, because he keeps saying he ordered something different when we and his wife know they’ve brought exactly what he ordered. The wife is sitting there, just getting so pissed off, begging him to be quiet. She keeps trying to correct him, saying, “But that’s what you ordered,” but he keeps telling her to shut up.)

Wife: “Will you stop making a scene? I just wanted a nice family dinner.”

Husband: “Shut up! When I come for a meal and pay this much for a bit of bread with some cheese and tomato on it, which probably only cost them a few pennies, I demand nothing less than perfection!”

(The waitress heads over with refills the husband ordered. She looks close to tears; the guy has gotten nastier as the night progresses, and has begun to call her names. Even the manager is keeping close by, ready to chuck him out, but he waits. The waitress is in such a rush to get him his drink so he can finish and go that she trips just as she gets to the table, and the glasses clatter over on the table near the husband. Luckily, most of the liquid misses him and he only gets a few splotches on his knee, but that is it. He explodes in a fit of rage. The manager comes over when he starts shouting obscenities. The wife looks so fed up, angry, and embarrassed.)

Manager: “I’m sorry, sir, but I’m going to have to ask you to keep it down and watch your language; this is a family restaurant. I’ll make sure all your drinks are free, and throw in free desserts for everyone. Just please keep calm. If you have any problems I’ll be happy to help.”

Husband: “The service has been s*** all night. I want all my meal for free! I shouldn’t have to pay for this s***!”

Manager: “I can’t promise that, but I’ll see what I can do.”

(The husband seems calmer, and he smiles as the waitress and the manager bustle off to get him new drinks and desserts. The wife is just steaming.)

Husband: “You wait; I’ll get our entire meal for free.”

(The wife just sits there fuming. Their poor kids just look unhappy because everyone in the restaurant is staring and muttering about their dad. The waitress comes over with drinks and very carefully sets them down. The husband says nothing. Then, the wife takes his soda with lots of ice in it and just tips it into his lap, very slowly. The poor waitress looks horrified, but everyone in the restaurant cheers.)

Wife: “Bring us the bill; we’ll pay for it all. I’m really sorry.”

(The wife reaches into her purse and hands the waitress a £20 note.)

Wife: “That’s for you. Hardly enough for putting up with his s*** all evening, but at least you only have to put up with it tonight. I’ve had to live with this a**hole for ten years now.”

(I’ve always hated creeps who go to a restaurant angling to get a free meal. It was nice to see one get his comeuppance. I just hope the wife divorced him. I know I would have.)

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Pumping Them For Information

, , , , , | Right | July 19, 2018

(I’ve been working at a popular coffee shop for a month or so. I work with my best friend who is extremely nice and doesn’t have a bad bone in her body. This weekend our town has our parade, town activities, a baseball tournament, and a softball tournament. Naturally, it has been really busy. We have one customer, though, who doesn’t care about that and gives us a lot of h***.)

Me: “Welcome to [Coffee Shop]. What can I get started for you?”

(The lady orders two easy drinks that I could make in my sleep.)

Me: “I’ll have your total at the window.”

(The lady pulls up and I let my friend cash her out while I make the drinks. I suddenly hear yelling from the lady.)

Customer: “My daughter—” *who is in the car* “—works at [Coffee Shop] in [Other Town], and we got a 35% discount here last week.”

(We don’t have a 35% discount.)

Friend: “I can give you a 25%, but I’m not supposed to.”

Customer: “Fine. This is awful service. I’m also paying with a gift card.”

(The lady hands my friend the card. Instead of pressing redeem, though, she presses reload and five dollars. My friend realizes the mistake and tells the lady what happened. The lady will have to pay five dollars on her credit card, and then we can use the gift card. She refuses.)

Customer: “Are you serious? How do you even mess up that much? You’re so incompetent.”

(My friend is on the verge of tears, and we end up letting the lady leave. We end up paying the five dollars, so she gets five dollars on her gift card from us, and two free drinks. Ten minutes later:)

Me: “[Friend], that lady is coming inside.”

Customer: “My [super easy drink] is made wrong. There isn’t any caramel in it.”

(I am tired of this lady and we just got slammed.)

Me: “I know I put caramel in this.”

Customer: “You obviously didn’t. If you can’t handle this, we’re going to have a problem, and you shouldn’t be working here.”

Friend: “I’m so sorry. We’ll remake the drinks for you.”

Customer’s Daughter: “I hope you do. And we should get them free.”

(Now I’m pissed. They want four free drinks out of us, when we never messed up. I remake her caramel drink as she watches me like a hawk. As I put the whipped cream in, I reach for a lid to have it there.)


(Her daughter is right there, so I ask a question.)

Me: “You work here. How many pumps of caramel should I put in here for a large?”

(The girl stutters around.)

Customer’s Daughter: “Like, six?”


Me: “It’s 2.75 pumps of caramel. Please leave. You got two free drinks out of us, and now you’re scamming for two more. I’m not dealing with that today.”


Me: “We all take a quiz after training. She should automatically know how much goes in, seeing as it’s a specialty drink.”

(The lady grabbed her daughter and left. She came back the next day and tried to start more crap. Luckily, my manager was there and didn’t take it.)

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So That’s How Scotty Does It!

, , , , , | Working | July 18, 2018

(I am a database engineer in the late 1980s. My company has an application that requires about 24 hours to run a weekly report. One day my boss comes up to me and asks if I can make the report run faster. I look at the code and realize the report is written in an incredibly inefficient manner. I go back to the boss:)

Me: “I’ve got good news. I’m pretty sure I can make it run in 12 hours. It will take me about a week to get it ready.”

Boss: “That would be great. Please do it.”

(I spend about two hours and redo the report function and get it to run in 15 minutes. I then build in a timer that delays delivery for 12 hours. I use the week to get caught up on everything I never have time to do. My boss is delighted with the results. Six months later, my boss comes to me again:)

Boss: “We are really happy with your excellent work on speeding up the reports. Can you possibly make it go any faster?”

Me: “Maybe. It would take about a week to know for sure.”

Boss: “Please give it a try. This is your top priority.”

(I spent the week getting caught up again on a backlog of tasks I was never given time for, and on the last day of the week, I removed the timer and presented the new and improved report function to my boss, who was absolutely thrilled to get reports in 15 minutes. The boss never found out and considered me a miracle worker.)

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