Good Students Can Get Away With Murder

, , , , , , , | Learning | April 23, 2020

It is a Sunday afternoon when a friend in my A-Level Politics class asks me how many pages long the essay due on Monday is supposed to be. I panic at this point, as I’ve completely forgotten that there even is an essay due.

I get the pertinent details from another classmate and start working on the essay. By late evening, I realise that I’m not going to get it finished in time. However, I will be able to write a little more than the first page. 

I write this, print it, and take the first page to school. In the class, I hand it in to the teacher in a plastic wallet. That evening, I finish up the essay, print the full document, and take that in on Tuesday. Before classes start, my politics teacher finds me and lets me know I only handed in the first page.

Feigning ignorance and concern, I apologise and say I can print it off again and give it to him at break. At break, I go to the Humanities office and hand over the completed document.

And that’s the story of how I managed to give myself a day’s extension on an essay. Thankfully, I had a reputation as a good and conscientious student, which probably gave me the benefit of the doubt in the teacher’s eyes, but I never risked that gambit again!

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Policy Exists For A Reason

, , , , | Legal | April 22, 2020

I am a trainee for a well-known book retailer. It is company policy not to change notes. Three women walk into the store.

Woman #1: “Hi. I like your hair! I work just down the street and was hoping you could change £200 into £10 notes.”

She gets out £200 in fake £20 notes.

Me: “I’m afraid I can’t do that. Besides, we don’t even have £200 in our tills.”

[Woman #1] thumbs through her “money.”

Woman #1: “Okay, what about £100?”

Me: “No.”

Coworker: “I’m afraid we can’t do that at all.”

Woman #1: “Okay.”

The next day, I was informed by my manager that after the women left our store, they drove up to one of our sister stores in the next town and pulled the same trick, but this time they got their money.

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Trying To Scam The Entire Region

, , , , | Right | April 18, 2020

It’s 2:56 in the morning on a Monday night, and we close at three. I’m the manager on duty when the phone rings.

Me: “Thank you for calling [Store]. My name is [My Name]; what can we do for you tonight?”

Customer: “Say your name for me one more time?”

Me: “It’s [My Name], sir.”

Customer: “Well, my name is [Customer], and I know [Regional Manager] of [Our Restaurant] Eastern, and I’ve got two free pizzas coming for me.”

Me: “I’m sorry, could you repeat your name for me?”

The customer does, spelling out his last name.

Me: “Thank you. Okay. There are two problems with this. First, we’re a franchise store, and we don’t have a regional manag—”

Customer: “No, you don’t understand. The regional manager for all of [Restaurant] East.”

Me: “As I was saying, we don’t have a regional manager. We’re a franchise store. There are only two stores on the east coast so far, and they’re owned by the man who opens this store four days a week.”

Customer: “Well, that’s—”

Me: “Sir, the second problem is that I have a wall chart with the name and email of everyone on the corporate staff, down to the assistant level. There’s nobody by the name you’ve given anywhere on there.”

Customer: “I think you’re mistaken.”

Me: “I think you’ve fundamentally misunderstood our corporate structure.”

There’s a bit of a silence.

Customer: “Whatever. I suppose I’ll just have to order something and get it refunded later.”

Me: “That’s absolutely your prerogative. What can we do for you tonight?”

He went on to show a complete lack of any knowledge of our store, the kind of food we sell, our prices, or our menu. After providing excellent customer service, I took his card information, and the delivery went out — but not before he tried to sneak the name of our owner out of me. I put a note on the wall about his name and address.

The part that gets me most is he could have just Googled it or come in one day; the owner’s name is in the lobby like four times. And no, we never did hear back about that “Regional Manager.”

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Tipped To Be An Eventful Encounter

, , , , , | Right | April 18, 2020

I am the supervisor on shift at a coffee shop in a busy but “shady” area of town. It is almost midnight and I watch a woman pick up an old cup of coffee off a patio table, walk up to the front counter, and approach my employee.

Lady: “This coffee you sold me is cold. Give me a new one.”

Employee: “I just saw you pick that up off the patio. You didn’t buy that.”

Lady: “F*** you! I paid for this. Get me new coffee now.”

Employee: “No, I’m not doing that. Please leave.”

Me: “I’m the supervisor, and I want you out of the store now.”

The lady swears at us. Then, she takes the cup of cold coffee and throws it right in my employee’s face. My employee doesn’t flinch.

Me: “Okay, get out now or I’m calling the cops.”

Lady: “F*** you! Look at what you did! There’s coffee all over my clothes! I want a free coffee, and you’re paying for my dry-cleaning, too, b****!”

She grabs the pretty full tip jar off the counter, claiming that will pay for her dry-cleaning, and leaves the store. She crosses the street and just hangs out on the opposite corner, while I flag a local cop and tell him what happened. He goes across the street, grabs her, and brings her back.

Cop: “Is this the lady who stole your tips?”

Lady: “I didn’t steal nothing! These people tried to rip me off! They ruined my clothes!”

Cop: “Empty your purse.”

After fighting for a few minutes, she dumped out her purse and change went all over the floor. The cop told us to take everything. The lady was screaming that some of it was HER money. The cop let us take it, and then put her under arrest when FIVE crack pipes came tumbling out with the change!

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Sweet Lies

, , , | Right | April 16, 2020

I’m standing behind the register at a candy store, keeping an eye on the store, when a man storms in and heads right for me.

Customer: “You hit my son!”

Me: “What?!”

Customer: “You hit my son!

Me: “Did not.”

Customer: “Don’t lie!”

Me: “When did this even happen?”

Customer: “Two hours ago!”

Me: “Two hours?! Why didn’t you say anything two hours ago, then?!”

Customer: “I wasn’t here! My wife saw you hit our son!”

I spend the next few minutes doing my best to express that his claim is utter bulls*** without actually using the word “bulls***.” Just as I’m preparing to call the manager to ask how I can check the store’s security footage, the man abruptly gives up, but not before putting in one parting shot.

Customer: “Do you have any kids?”

Me: “No. I’m too young.”

Customer: “OBVIOUSLY!”

He stormed out, and that’s the last I ever heard from him. I can only guess that he was trying to scam candy or money out of us, but I don’t know how he thought he could accomplish that by accusing an employee of assaulting a minor.

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