When Bygones Mean Bi-Gones
Me: “You’re not from around here are you?”
Customer: “Nope, I’m from Canada.”
Me: “Oh cool! Do you speak French?”
Customer: “Yup, I’m bilingual.”
Other Customer In Line: “Down here, if something’s bi, we shoot it.”
Store Of The D***ed
Me: “Hi, how can help you today?”
Customer: “Are you a lesbian!?”
Me: “Excuse me?”
Customer: “You’ve got real short hair. I heard that women with short hair are lesbians.”
Me: “So, was there anything I could help you with?”
Customer: “You can answer my question! Are you a lesbian or not?!”
Me: “Sir, I don’t feel it’s appropriate for me to answer that.”
Customer: “I don’t want some Hell-bound homosexual near me! God will strike you down for disobeying his word!”
Me: “Okay, okay. If you really must know, no, I am not a lesbian.”
Customer: “Then why do you have short hair??”
(By this time, my manager, who is male-to-female transgender, walks over.)
Manager: *in their manly voice* “Is there a problem here, sir?”
Customer: “Oh, dear lord! You’re not a woman!”
Manager: “Only on paper, sir.
Customer: *runs out screaming* “This place is d***ed! D***ed, I tell you!”
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Bi-Curiouser and Curiouser
Editors' Choice, Funny, Ignoring & Inattentive, LGBTQ, New Hampshire, Retail, USA, Wordplay |
Right
| June 30, 2010
(I am speaking Spanish to a customer at the register. I finish the transaction and see the next customer.)
Customer: *speaking loudly and slowly* “Hello! I want to pay cash!”
Me: “Find everything you need today?”
Customer: “Wow! So, you can speak English and Spanish? I didn’t think you spoke any English.”
Me: “Yes, I’m bilingual.”
Customer: “Wow! So, you speak two languages fluently and you’re gay?”
Me: “No, just bilingual.”
Customer: “I heard you the first time, silly! Lots of gay pride in you, huh?”
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Not Just Ol’ Gay Paris Anymore
Editors' Choice, England, Funny, LGBTQ, London, Restaurant, Tourists/Travel, UK, Wordplay |
Right
| April 27, 2010
(I am of Chinese descent but I was born and raised in London. I am serving a table of American tourists, headed by a rather boisterous older woman.)
Me: “Welcome to [Restaurant]. What will you be having today?”
Customer: “Oh, my God!”
Me: “Are you okay, ma’am?”
Customer: “What’s wrong with your voice?”
Me: “Nothing, ma’am. I’m perfectly fine.”
Customer: “But you sound English!”
Me: “I am. I was born here.”
Customer: “But that’s impossible!”
Me: “I assure you, ma’am, I was born right here in London. This is my normal accent. So, what can I get you to order?”
Customer: “How old are you?”
Me: “21, ma’am.”
Customer: “Would you like to meet my daughter? She’s thinking of studying here for school.”
Me: “No thanks, ma’am. I’m gay and have a boyfriend so I doubt she’d be interested in me.”
Customer: “You’re gay?”
Me: “Guilty.”
Customer: “So that explains the accent.”
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Domestically Dimwitted
(Our store is famous for our women’s scents. I see a male customer looking uncomfortable.)
Customer: “Uh, miss? Can you help me?”
Me: “Of course. Who is it that you are shopping for today?”
Customer: “Well, we had a Secret Santa thing at the office, and I got this guy… um… he’s the kind of person with a domestic partner.”
Me: “Oh! I gotcha! We’ve got some great pre-made gift sets in the men’s department. There’s a wonderful shaving set and body washes, too.”
(I lead him to the men’s section. On the way, the customer sees a flowery red and pink gift box with one of our most popular woman’s fragrances inside.)
Customer: “What about this one? These are on sale, right?”
Me: “Well, yes, but that’s really a more feminine fragrance, a strong floral. Let me show you–”
Customer: “No, no, no. DO-MES-TIC PART-NER. I really think he’ll like this one better. You know, cause he’s… well, you know…”
Me: “Sir, we could set up a gift card for you. That way, he can pick out his own body care since you are unsure.”
Customer: “I don’t think you understand me. He’s… the guy is gay. I’ll take this one.”
(To the unfortunate gift recipient: I am so terribly sorry! I’ll be thinking of you this Christmas!)
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