(I’m in a shoe shop, when I see a girl dressed entirely in black with a rainbow bag, clutching some holographic black shoes.)
Girl: *tearing up* “These shoes are black and gay! That’s me! That’s my aesthetic! I NEED them!”
(It’s a quiet moment at the registers. Two of my coworkers and I are talking about coming out, as one of my coworkers and I are both gay. The phone rings and one of my coworkers goes to answer it. She pauses for a second before talking.)
Coworker: “Thanks for calling [Store].”
(She listens to the caller before transferring them to the right department. Once she sets the phone down, she buries her face in her hands.)
Coworker: “I almost answered with, ‘Hi, I’m gay!’”
(We had a good laugh about it.)
(My cousin is a very masculine, straight-acting police officer. The following exchange takes place in his precinct.)
Officer: “God, my wife is driving me nuts. Women, huh? Doesn’t your wife just make you crazy sometimes?”
Cousin: “I don’t have a wife.”
Officer: “Ah, sorry, I saw the ring. Divorced, huh?”
Cousin: “No.”
Officer: “Oh. Widowed?”
Cousin: “No, I’m definitely still married.”
Officer: *now very confused* “So, you do have a wife?”
Cousin: *starting to snicker at the routine* “No.”
Officer: *as several other cops within earshot also start to crack up* “I don’t understand.”
Sergeant: *yelling in exasperation* “He’s married to a man and therefore has a husband! Jesus Christ, [Officer], how do you expect to make detective with those deductive reasoning skills?”
Officer: “Ohhhhh.”
Customer: “Why is this [Chocolate Bar] white?”
Me: “It’s a special edition for Christmas.”
Customer: “Is it only for white people?”
Me: “What?”
Customer: “Can only white people buy it?”
Me: “No, anyone can. The white means there’s white chocolate inside.”
Customer: *ignoring me* “It must be. Why else would it be white? It’s British, and I am a proud Briton! No blacks allowed, just as Britain should be. I’ll take it.”
(I sell him the bar, albeit in silence, as I would prefer he not speak more. As he leaves, I give a look to my manager beside me who has seen and heard the entire encounter. She’s glaring at him as he leaves. He takes one step outside and comes back inside.)
Customer: “IT HAS ‘SWISS’ ON THE BOX! THIS S*** ISN’T BRITISH AT ALL! I WANT A REFUND!”
Manager: *before I can even open my mouth* “I assume you’re aware of our policies? Once foodstuffs have left the store, we reserve the right to refuse a refund, and I’m refusing to refund you.”
Customer: “BUT I WAS ONLY OUTSIDE FOR A SECOND!”
Manager: *grinning* “I know. Isn’t life wonderful?”
(He grunts and storms away.)
Manager: “ENJOY YOUR CHOCOLATE BAR!”
(Once outside again, he stands next to a bin and glares at us. He motions with the bar suggesting he would insert it into himself via the “back door” before throwing it away. He smirks at us and then blushes.)
Customer: “I’M NOT A F****** [GAY SLUR]!”
(He then ran away.)
(I am signing a customer up for a contract phone. I am taking his address.)
Me: “Postcode?”
Customer: *gives postcode*
Me: “Okay, which address?” *shows screen*
Customer: *points*
Me: “Okay, so now we’ll need to do a—“
Customer: “Hold on, that address is wrong. It should have ‘Gritain’ on the bottom.”
Me: “‘Gritain’? As in Great Britain?”
Customer: “No, ‘Gay Britain.’”
(I want to laugh, but his expression is very serious.)
Me: “Uh, it isn’t an option.”
Customer: “Then write it in ‘other’!”
Me: “Sorry, but could I please ask why?”
Customer: “Because if you don’t, you’ll assume I’m straight, and I’m not. That’s oppression.”
Me: “We don’t need to know, or even assume, your sexuality for the contract. It has nothing to do with it. We don’t even ask for sex or gender.”
Customer: “So you’ll assume I’m straight!”
Me: “We won’t assume anything!”
Customer: “Yes, you will. Now, CHANGE IT!”
(I manually changed his address to include “Gritain” and continued the rest of the purchase with awkward tension. He opted for paper billing, much to our grief, as every month he comes in to complain about “Gritain” being excluded from his address, and accusing us of discrimination, despite the fact we have nothing to with billing, and the change was made by them. He has no problem with the service, though, just the exclusion of that word on a bill he receives every month.)
