(I’m waiting for a bus with several other people. There is a lesbian couple who are getting quite affectionate while they wait. They have a young girl with them in a stroller. I notice the young girl break loose from the belt and climb out of the stroller, with the intent of petting a dog who belongs to another person waiting. As she climbs down, she manages to unlock the brake and the stroller starts rolling away from us and down the hill. There is a busy road at the bottom. I decide to tell the couple.)

Me: *tapping one of them on the shoulder* “Excuse me, your—“

Woman #1: *turn looking disgruntled* “Do you mind? We’re BUSY!” *turning back*

Me: “I just thought—“

Woman #1: *turning around again* “You just thought you’d try and stop us? Well, it’s not going to work. It’s a free country, and if I want to snog my girlfriend, I can. You just have to sit there and take it.” *flips me off*

Woman #2: “Yeah, f*** off, you homophobe!”

(They turn back to each other and start getting really into their session, to the point of mimicking orgasms. My friend, who has said nothing at this point, decides to intervene after we see the stroller get run over by a bus. Had the girl been in there, she probably would have been killed.)

Friend: “EXCUSE ME!”

Woman #1: “Another gay hater! Well, you can fu—“

Friend: “We just thought you’d like to know that your stroller, the one with your daughter in it, the one you should’ve been paying attention to, has just been driven over by a bus!”

(Both the women look to the spot where their stroller was and turn pale.)

Woman #1: “Oh, no!”

Me: “Your daughter’s fine; she climbed out before it rolled the hill.” *pointing to the girl and the dog*

Both Women: “WHY THE F*** DIDN’T YOU TELL US?!”

Me: “I tried—“

Woman #1: “No, you didn’t! I bet you wanted to see my poor girl die, just because I’m a lesbian! You make me f****** sick!”

Me: “What?!”

Woman #1: *getting out her phone and dialing 999* “F*** YOU!”

(My friend then grabs my head and smacks his lips against mine. I’m a guy, too, and neither of us is gay. He holds my hand after he stops. The women stare at us, dumbfounded, and we can hear the emergency operator trying to get their attention on the phone.)

Friend: “No, he didn’t. He was trying to be a nice guy. But you decided to s*** all over him with your vitriol.”

(Both women stare in horror at realising that we must be together before grabbing their daughter and fleeing down the hill after the stroller, which has now attracted quite a crowd. I turn to my friend. We’re still holding hands.)

Me: “I suppose that was one way to deal with the situation.”

(He let go of my hand and caressed my cheek before winking seductively. We then burst out laughing at how awkward it was.)

(I’m sitting in a restaurant, and the only other occupant is a guy in a suit who hasn’t ordered anything. Instead, he’s reading a book. When I’m halfway done with my meal, a girl a few years younger than him with badly-done makeup comes in and nervously makes her way to his booth before speaking in a deep voice.)

Girl: “Um… Hi?”

(He looks up from his book and immediately blinks in shock. Slowly, he closes his book and tosses it to the side.)

Guy: “This isn’t a one-time thing, is it?”

(The girl says something that I can’t hear. After a moment, the guy points at the booth opposite him, and she settles down. I start to get worried because the guy’s face is completely even.)

Guy: “So, uh, are you going all the way with this?”

Girl: “I’m saving up for the surgery, yeah.”

Guy: “Ah.”

(There is a long pause before the girl speaks again.)

Girl: “I wanted to come out to all of you before my family.”

Guy: “Smart.”

(He takes a slow breath, and when he speaks, he sounds almost angry.)

Guy: “This is going to be hard for you. I cannot understand trans.”

Girl: *quietly* “I’m sorry.”

Guy: “I cannot at all. I’ve tried, and I can’t wrap my brain around it.”

(The girl lowers her head, and the guy remains silent for a little bit. I’m afraid that I’m going to have to chase a crying woman out of the restaurant to comfort her when he speaks again.)

Guy: “So. No trans. You’re a girl now.”

(The girl’s head snaps up.)

Girl: “What?”

Guy: “You heard me. I can’t help you with any trans stuff, and I got to ask that unless someone is threatening you, we don’t talk about it. You’re a girl now. I’ll help you with girl stuff, listen to you complain about sexist guys or catty girls, or whatever. Other than that, the only thing different is that you have to put up with me calling you Darlin’.”

Girl: *near tears* “But you said…”

Guy: “Oh, no! My dude buddy is now a dudette buddy! I can handle you being a girl, but I can’t figure out the… in-between stage. You’re my friend, and you’re going to need someone who’ll treat you like the woman you are, not the dude you were that’s becoming a woman. So, you’re a woman now, and that’s final.”

Girl: “Thank you…”

Guy: “Oh, don’t thank me yet! Dear God, woman! That jewelry! Is that costume jewelry? No. No! None of my lady friends wear that unless it’s on stage. No, we’re getting you some real stuff as soon as we have some cheesecake, do you understand me?”

Girl: “You don’t—“

Guy: “Nyet! Nein! Negative! This isn’t up for negotiation! Fight me on this, and I’ll help you with your wardrobe, too!” *calls out to the waitress* “I need two slices of cheesecake, please!”

Girl: “You’re a jerk.”

Guy: “We’ve been friends for how many years now, and you’re just now learning this? Now, I think you’re more of a silver girl than a gold girl…”

(Until the two of them left, I couldn’t help but smile over his antics. By the time I finished my meal, he was already coming up with the best way to inform some of their friends, warning her that just showing up in makeup wasn’t the best way for a few of them, and offering to be there with her for support. While I don’t think that he reacted the best way, the fact that he was so excited about helping her warmed my heart. I only regret not having gotten their bill when I left.)

(One day, while walking with my kid in a pram, two rather conservatively-dressed people intercept me. I immediately identify them as Jehovah’s Witnesses, as they carry a bunch of JW-published magazines each.)

Jehovah’s Witness #1: “Hello, do you have a moment to talk?”

Me: “Yes, but why don’t I save your time and mine?”

Jehovah’s Witness #2: “How so?”

Me: “See this pin?” *points at my rainbow flag pin, which I nearly always wear* “Usually, your people aren’t really interested in my people, right?”

Jehovah’s Witness #1: “What?”

Me: “I’m gay. Not about to change, not interested.”

Jehovah’s Witness #2: *goes pale and takes a step back*

Jehovah’s Witness #1: “Oh… Um…”

Me: *walks on, uninterrupted*

Related:
Jehovah’s Witless, Part 15
Jehovah’s Witless, Part 14
Jehovah’s Witless, Part 13

(I’m living in a rural and overwhelmingly conservative area, but the times they are a-changing and we recently had our first gay wedding in town. To spare us some nerves, my family decides to withhold this information from my 83-year-old grandma. Apparently, this didn’t work out as planned.)

Grandma: *alluding* “I’ve talked to [Friend]. Did you know [Neighbor] married?”

Dad: “Umm… No. Why do you ask?”

Grandma: “Oh, don’t give me that spiel!”

Mother: “Well, yes. But you have to understand that that’s now legal and it’s perfectly okay for a man to marry another man…”

Grandma: “Oh, grow up! Who cares about that?!” *furiously* “He married someone from [Rivaling Neighbor Town]! THAT’S JUST SUCH A DISGRACE!”

(Yay, progress… I guess.)

My sibling is genderfluid — they alternate between identifying as male and female — and visits occasionally. This time, my son decided to ask me why his uncle/aunt changes gender every time we see them, so I tell him “they’re genderfluid.”

Later, when I looked at my grocery list before I went out, I saw that my son had added “gender fluid” to the list. Upon questioning why he wrote this down, I learned that he’d thought gender fluid was an actual liquid — like windshield fluid — and if you run out you get stuck as the opposite gender forever. He thought my sibling kept switching from male to female because theirs was running low, and wanted to help out.

Of course, I immediately explained what it really meant more thoroughly.