If The Jacket Fits…

, , , , , | | Legal | July 18, 2019

As a student, I used to moonlight as a bouncer with my girlfriend and a few other biker students at the university union for rock bands. I’m not that big but have long hair, a beard, and tats. One night, we were all working as usual and had put our leather jackets under the ticket desk as the venue was very hot. The gig was busy and we were occupied all night dealing with the crowd.

Come gig finish, we came out to discover that the steward on the door had been called away and both my leather and my friend’s leather had walked. Seriously annoyed and out of pocket a few hundred pounds, I went to get a drink.

At the bar was a man wearing my friend’s very distinctive brown leather jacket. I approached him and said this, and he apologised profusely and stated he had been sold it by a man in the bar earlier for 50 pounds. He apologised and took it off. Underneath, he was wearing my jacket.

I took his arm and said we were going to security. He took my jacket off and said he had purchased that one, as well, but I still walked him to the security desk.

At the last moment, he wriggled free and bolted across the gravel car park with me in pursuit. Just before I ran out of puff, he slipped and went facedown in the gravel, tearing his face and arms to shreds.

After I took him back and waited for the police, he then informed them that I had assaulted him and pushed him into the gravel.

The cop just listened to my story, twisted his arms behind his back, and cuffed him. Did help he was a police motorcycle cop that I helped out teaching safe biking to teenagers with, I suppose.

Winning At “Misery Loves Company”

, , , , , | | Healthy | June 25, 2019

I went to see my doctor as I’d had a weird pain in my arm for a week and then it had swelled up at the weekend. He sent me to the hospital for a scan, which confirmed I needed to stay in hospital, but they needed to find me a bed so I went back to the investigations ward to wait. And wait. And wait some more.

At 10:00 pm, there was a teenage lad whose parents were grumbling about how they’d been there for four hours and they were fed up waiting for the boy to be discharged.  

A few others joined in, waiting five, six hours… After a while of this, I decided to pipe up.

“I’ve been here since ten o’clock this morning. I got diagnosed nine hours ago and I’m still waiting for a bed because I don’t get to go home tonight.”

There were a few beats of silence before the original grumblers declared me the winner and happily waited for their son to be discharged. It actually helped break some of the tension in the room and got people talking to pass the time until I finally got a bed, so yay for winning “waiting time” to trumps, I guess.

Men Are Stupid

, , , , , | Healthy | February 26, 2019

(I am a male nurse. On my coat is my “Man of Men” pin badge in support of Prostate Cancer UK, since my partner had surgery for prostate cancer in 2018. The badge is of a male stick figure with a smaller male figure within it. Whilst taking my order, a young male barista sees the badge and says:)

Barista: “That badge is really cool; what does it mean?”

Me: “It’s from Prostate Cancer UK. Did you know that it’s the biggest cause of death in men now? Since my partner was diagnosed, I’m keen to support the cause.”

Barista: “Wow… I wonder why it affects so many more men, then?”

Me: “Erm…”

Shopping With Dr. Sheldon Cooper

, , , , , | Right | November 13, 2018

(I have an autistic friend. We are actually both autistic but in very different ways; I’m much better at dealing with practical household things — like setting up a TV or 5.1 sound system–  than he is, whereas he is much better at the everyday essentials like work, money, and bills than I am. Between us, we manage okay. Like many on the spectrum, my friend finds certain everyday environments, such as his workspace, cold and distressing, so I’ve been helping him make a “safe space” for himself at home. Basically, it’s a lot of relaxing mood lighting with speakers and a monitor so he can watch video or listen to music from his media devices in a space he finds soothing. It’s my first attempt, so I’ve initially been using cheap Chinese equipment ordered online until I’m sure it’s what he wants and it all works, and, as is often the case with cheap Chinese imports, some of it fails pretty quickly. We decide to go shop at a local high street store that sells similar items, now that we know for sure what it is we need. In the store, a smiling assistant approaches us:)

Me: “Oh, hi. We’re just looking for your home lighting section.”

Friend: “We’d normally order things like this from China for a fraction of what you guys sell it for here, I’m sure, but we need it quickly today, so we came here, instead!”

Me: *embarrassed* “Oh.” *laughs* “[Friend], yes, well, I don’t think this gentleman really needs to know that. Let’s just go get the things we need today, shall we?”

(The store assistant looks a little wide-eyed, but duly directs us. My friend is easily distracted by all the flashing, beeping technology on display, but I manage to get us over to the correct section. We find what we need and head off to the counter. My friend is paying, so he is talking to the cashier now.)

Friend: “We need these because ours broke, so we need more. Before, my friend here got them all from China for half the price you guys sell them for here, but they’re all the same things, really, I think, aren’t they? You guys probably just put your logo on them and charge double the price; I know how things like this work. But still, you charge a lot more for them here, don’t you?!”

Me: *losing it a bit now* “Ahahaha! Yes, well, as I said, [Friend], I don’t think he needs to know all that. Let’s just pay the poor man and then go, shall we?!”

(The now rather put-upon-looking cashier dutifully bags and charges our items as my friend continues to “make small talk” in this vein. Other customers begin to take an interest, and a small crowd is forming; however, somewhat relieved on my part, we get the receipt and head for the door, but unfortunately not before my friend spots another rather large and particularly expensive item we both recognise from the same Chinese site.)

Friend: *loudly* “Oh, look! Another thing you could get for less than half the price from [Site] online! I bet that’s the exact same thing, just with their logo on it again. Boy, they charge a lot more in here than [Site], don’t they?! You could get that for [price] on [Site], couldn’t you?”

(I stopped for a moment to look at it with him as he continued in this vein. Frankly, I died a little inside, as other customers mentally jotted down the site name and price; one actually got out his smartphone and seemed to be checking the site out. I rolled my eyes at the store assistants apologetically, but very quickly, and at my insistence, we headed off out to the car, leaving the store assistants to deal with the aftermath. Guys who attended to us that day, if you’re reading this, I am so sorry! If we have to come back for any more things soon — I’m pretty sure we will — if it helps at all, he’s actually a scientist in a very well-paid job — yes, just like Sheldon Cooper — and so has lots of disposable cash to spend in your store. He just isn’t very good at thinking before he speaks. Next time, I’ll try and stop him yelling out that site name and the entire price range he’s got memorised in his head at your potential customers, if I possibly can. Trust me, I will try.)

They Don’t Exactly Live For It

, , , , , | Friendly | October 31, 2018

(I get off the bus and run into some British Heart Foundation volunteers offering free CPR training.)

BHF: “Hi there. Do you have eight minutes to learn how to save a life?”

Old Couple: “Oh, no, thanks, dear. We’ve lived enough already!”

Page 1/3123