Men Are Stupid

, , , , , | Healthy | February 26, 2019

(I am a male nurse. On my coat is my “Man of Men” pin badge in support of Prostate Cancer UK, since my partner had surgery for prostate cancer in 2018. The badge is of a male stick figure with a smaller male figure within it. Whilst taking my order, a young male barista sees the badge and says:)

Barista: “That badge is really cool; what does it mean?”

Me: “It’s from Prostate Cancer UK. Did you know that it’s the biggest cause of death in men now? Since my partner was diagnosed, I’m keen to support the cause.”

Barista: “Wow… I wonder why it affects so many more men, then?”

Me: “Erm…”

Shopping With Dr. Sheldon Cooper

, , , , , | Right | November 13, 2018

(I have an autistic friend. We are actually both autistic but in very different ways; I’m much better at dealing with practical household things — like setting up a TV or 5.1 sound system–  than he is, whereas he is much better at the everyday essentials like work, money, and bills than I am. Between us, we manage okay. Like many on the spectrum, my friend finds certain everyday environments, such as his workspace, cold and distressing, so I’ve been helping him make a “safe space” for himself at home. Basically, it’s a lot of relaxing mood lighting with speakers and a monitor so he can watch video or listen to music from his media devices in a space he finds soothing. It’s my first attempt, so I’ve initially been using cheap Chinese equipment ordered online until I’m sure it’s what he wants and it all works, and, as is often the case with cheap Chinese imports, some of it fails pretty quickly. We decide to go shop at a local high street store that sells similar items, now that we know for sure what it is we need. In the store, a smiling assistant approaches us:)

Me: “Oh, hi. We’re just looking for your home lighting section.”

Friend: “We’d normally order things like this from China for a fraction of what you guys sell it for here, I’m sure, but we need it quickly today, so we came here, instead!”

Me: *embarrassed* “Oh.” *laughs* “[Friend], yes, well, I don’t think this gentleman really needs to know that. Let’s just go get the things we need today, shall we?”

(The store assistant looks a little wide-eyed, but duly directs us. My friend is easily distracted by all the flashing, beeping technology on display, but I manage to get us over to the correct section. We find what we need and head off to the counter. My friend is paying, so he is talking to the cashier now.)

Friend: “We need these because ours broke, so we need more. Before, my friend here got them all from China for half the price you guys sell them for here, but they’re all the same things, really, I think, aren’t they? You guys probably just put your logo on them and charge double the price; I know how things like this work. But still, you charge a lot more for them here, don’t you?!”

Me: *losing it a bit now* “Ahahaha! Yes, well, as I said, [Friend], I don’t think he needs to know all that. Let’s just pay the poor man and then go, shall we?!”

(The now rather put-upon-looking cashier dutifully bags and charges our items as my friend continues to “make small talk” in this vein. Other customers begin to take an interest, and a small crowd is forming; however, somewhat relieved on my part, we get the receipt and head for the door, but unfortunately not before my friend spots another rather large and particularly expensive item we both recognise from the same Chinese site.)

Friend: *loudly* “Oh, look! Another thing you could get for less than half the price from [Site] online! I bet that’s the exact same thing, just with their logo on it again. Boy, they charge a lot more in here than [Site], don’t they?! You could get that for [price] on [Site], couldn’t you?”

(I stopped for a moment to look at it with him as he continued in this vein. Frankly, I died a little inside, as other customers mentally jotted down the site name and price; one actually got out his smartphone and seemed to be checking the site out. I rolled my eyes at the store assistants apologetically, but very quickly, and at my insistence, we headed off out to the car, leaving the store assistants to deal with the aftermath. Guys who attended to us that day, if you’re reading this, I am so sorry! If we have to come back for any more things soon — I’m pretty sure we will — if it helps at all, he’s actually a scientist in a very well-paid job — yes, just like Sheldon Cooper — and so has lots of disposable cash to spend in your store. He just isn’t very good at thinking before he speaks. Next time, I’ll try and stop him yelling out that site name and the entire price range he’s got memorised in his head at your potential customers, if I possibly can. Trust me, I will try.)

They Don’t Exactly Live For It

, , , , , | Friendly | October 31, 2018

(I get off the bus and run into some British Heart Foundation volunteers offering free CPR training.)

BHF: “Hi there. Do you have eight minutes to learn how to save a life?”

Old Couple: “Oh, no, thanks, dear. We’ve lived enough already!”

Unless You’re Aragorn, Anyway

, , , , , , , | Friendly | August 3, 2018

(I play Dungeons and Dragons in a bar with some friends once a week. This particular session we are trying to figure out if there is still some damaging magic left in a room. We’ve just teamed up temporarily with some “bad guys,” one of whom is a goblin. My character is a dwarf. While the other players are discussing how to test the room…)

Me: “I pick up a goblin and throw him into the room.”

(Yes, I tossed a goblin. Because I am a dwarf, and nobody tosses a dwarf.)

Not Too Chicken To Stand Up To Them

, , , , , , | Right | July 24, 2018

(I am working the hot meat counter at a supermarket. When it comes near to closing time, we reduce the hot meat down if we have a lot of it left to get rid of. A woman walks up to me about half an hour from closing time. There are three whole hot chickens left.)

Customer: “Why aren’t these chickens reduced?”

Me: “We only reduce them down if we have a lot left, or if it’s bang on closing time. We only have three left, so these may still go as there is still half an hour of trading time left.”

Customer: “But you always reduce them down; I want these chickens reduced!”

Me: “Well, today we do not have enough left to warrant a reduction.”

Customer: “But you are obliged to reduce them down. You reduce them down now so I can take one. Everywhere else does it; you’re out of order.”

Me: “I am not obliged to reduce them down. Obviously, ideally we want to sell them at full price.”

(The woman continues to rant, getting progressively ruder, about how out of order it is to sell these chickens at full price at this time of day. While she is doing this, a girl doing her shopping overhears and looks a bit annoyed at this woman, but then walks off.)

Me: *sigh* “If there are any left bang on closing time, I will then reduce them.”

Customer: “Fine, I will wait.”

(The woman proceeds to wait there for half an hour, giving me nasty looks as I clean the department. At closing time, the chickens are still there, so I make up the reduction stickers, bag up the chickens, and put them on top of the counter. The girl from earlier has reappeared.)

Girl: *to the woman* “You know, you really shouldn’t be so rude to people.”

(The girl proceeds to grab all three reduced chickens, and then runs off with her trolley to the checkout. The woman stares after her in shock.)

Me: *calling after girl* “Thank you for shopping at [Supermarket]!”

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