(A creepy old man with dirty clothes and a scraggly beard walks into the bank.)

Me: “Hi! Welcome to [Bank]. How are you today?”

Customer: *stares, saying nothing*

Me: “How may I help you, sir?”

Customer: “I need to take $150 in quarters from my checking account.”

Me: “Okay, I can do that for you, no problem.” *taking out a withdrawal slip* “If you can just fill this out for me, I–”

Customer: “I can’t do that.” *pushes slip across the counter*

Me: “…pardon?”

Customer: “I said, I can’t do that. Do it for me.”

Me: “Sir, unfortunately, I cannot do that, for security purposes.”

Customer: “Why can’t you?”

Me: “It’s to protect your identity.”

Customer: “My what? Just fill out the d*** slip for me!”

Me: “Sir, I’m really sorry, but you have to fill out the withdrawal slip. At the very least, I need you to put your name down.”

Customer: “I can’t do that.”

Me: “If you pardon my asking sir, why not?”

Customer: “I don’t want to.”

Me: “I’m… sorry sir, but–”

Customer: “What kind of bank makes people do things?!” *storms out*

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Me: “Hi, how can I help you?”

Client: “I’d like to know why I haven’t received my benefits.”

Me: “Let’s just pull up your case. Can I have your case number?”

(The client gives me their case number and I pull up the case.)

Me: “Well, it looks like you didn’t return your application. Without an application, we can’t approve welfare benefits.”

Client: “Can’t we do it over the phone?”

Me: “No, you need to come in and do an in-person interview so we can get an ID and a signature.”

Client: “So, we can’t do it over the phone?”

Me: “No, we need a face-to-face interview.”

Client: “That’s just too much work. I’ll just go get a job!” *click*

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Me: “Hi! This is [Restaurant]; how can I help you?”

Caller: “I’d like to order a delivery.”

Me: “I’m sorry, we don’t do deliveries.”

Caller: “So, you expect me to come all the way over… to eat your food?!”

Me: “Umm… yeah, if you want.”

Caller: “Goodbye!” *hangs up*

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Me: “Hi, I understand that you’re having problems with your delivery.”

Customer: “Yes, your stupid SOB driver won’t deliver to my apartment. I saw him through the window and thought he’d be right up, but he never came up.”

Me: “Ma’am, I see that you live in an apartment complex, is there a security code or call box on the gate that the driver would need to use to gain access to your complex?”

Customer: “There isn’t a call box or a gate code. The gates stay locked all day.”

Me: “Well, without a gate code or a call box at the gate, my driver can’t get through to your gate. Furthermore, if you saw him outside of the complex, why didn’t you go out to greet him?”

Customer: “That’s not my problem. I shouldn’t have to leave my apartment to get my package. It’s your job to deliver it to my door.”

Me: “Actually, it is your problem if you’d like to receive your package today.”

Customer: “You can’t speak to me like that! I demand to speak to your supervisor!

Me: “Ma’am, I am the supervisor. I also dispatch to the driver to reattempt delivery to your address.”

Customer: “I still don’t see why I have to do half of your job. You’re the delivery company.”

Me: “No problem, ma’am. We’ll bring it back to the building tonight and we’ll try it again tomorrow. If we can’t reach your door tomorrow, then we’ll try again a third time and after that, if it gets sent back to the shipper, you’ll have to address it with them.”

Customer: “NO! NO! NO! Fine! I’ll prop the gate open. It’s medication that I need today!”

Me: *looks in system — it’s Victoria Secret*

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(After being in the same little hut for 25 years we moved the key shop to a larger, inline store 120 feet away. After moving EVERYTHING except the counters to the new location I am in the old shop getting ready to lock it up until it is torn down.)

(A customer walks in and drops two keys on the counter.)

Customer: “Make me two of each.”

Me: “I am sorry, this location is closed… You have to go to the new key shop over there.”

Customer: “I’m not walking over there. I always get my keys here. Make me two of them.”

Me: “How?”

Customer: “What do you mean, ‘How’?”

Me: “Well, there are no keys blanks on the wall, there are no key machines on the counter, there is no cash register. In fact, there are no light fixtures in the building, the air conditioner is gone, the signs are gone from the roof and the electricity is turned off. This is building is totally empty except for you and me. So how do you expect me to make you four keys?”

Customer: “Ah, where did you say I have to go?”