(I have requested the personnel files for an operative who will be transferring to our region. Within a minute of sending the email, I get a phone call from the manager.)

Manager: “Can this wait? We are processing payroll.”

Me: “Absolutely. I’ve just sent the request in. It can be handled at your discretion.”

Manager: “I just can’t understand why you would request this during payroll. We are very busy!”

Me: “I just sent the request; there isn’t a deadline. It can wait.”

Manager: “Couldn’t you have waited? We are doing payroll!”

Me: “Yes, I know you are doing payroll. Like I have said, it can wait.”

Manager: “This is just ridiculous. Your request will not be completed until we have finished with payroll. Be more conscientious in the future.” *hangs up*

(I’m a bit befuddled by the call but just assume I sent the request at the wrong time, and that they were quite busy. I receive an electronic copy of the operative’s files within fifteen minutes, however, from someone I’ve never had correspondence with before — their title is Commercial Manager for another region. I forward the email on to the site manager.)

Site Manager: “Why is [Commercial Manager] sending this?”

Me: “I assume [Manager] was too busy, so he asked her to help.”

Site Manager: “[Manager]? Oh, no, no. [Commercial Manager] shares an office with him at [Head Office]. She says he sits there all day on Grindr and Facebook.”

Me: “He seemed pretty stressed about payroll…”

Site Manager: “You know how you can’t start payroll until the little circle turns green on the system?”

Me: “Yeah?”

Site Manager: “That’s his job — his entire job. For some reason he is the only person in the UK with the power to change it green. He does absolutely nothing else.”

Me: “Wow… at least payroll personnel are part-time, I guess.”

Site Manager: *with a pained look* “No, he’s full-time.”

(Thankfully, I haven’t interacted with [Manager] too often during payroll since, but when I do, the conversation is near identical.)

I have an employee who has been told he is the smartest person in the room since birth. As a result, he doesn’t follow directions well because his way is always the right way and critiques or suggestions are met as personal attacks. He also feels the need to hide what he has been working on, making it difficult to gauge if he is actually as smart as he thinks he is. But boy, does he think he is smart! He is the kind of guy who thinks his work is flawless and can do no wrong but won’t look it over and promptly forgets what he did once it is not in front of his nose. 

I have begun to suspect him of plagiarizing his work to appear smart than he is. Compounded with him claiming credit for other people’s work and repeatedly throwing his coworkers under the bus for his mistakes, he is on thin ice. Long story short, I work with a liar, a cheater, and narcissist. 

I am reviewing his work one day and notice he has only completed half the requirements, despite claiming he finished it over a month ago and making comments in meetings that he has addressed any necessary changes. I shoot him an email, assuming he does have the work and it never got properly uploaded. Chaos ensues where he accuses me of bullying him and not being a team player. He makes up some excuse about how procedure should be open to interruption, before he leaves early on the grounds that I have created a toxic work environment. 

It’s safe to say the big bosses are not pleased with him, and they start the procedure to get him on an action plan, if not outright firing him. However, because my boss is going out of town, they decide to hold off on it until he gets back. I am given permission to retrain him and he is informed of it.

Fast forward to Monday morning; [Employee] apologizes to me in a vague manner. He acts like he is concerned for my mental health and tries to imply that I am overworked and being asked to do things outside of my job description. This is all false. I do not give him an inch and offer up some critique. He is visibly frustrated that I have not given into him but am staying polite. When I inform him he is still getting retrained, with [Big Boss #1] in the room, he almost throws a fit again. 

Friday, [Big Boss #1] comes back. Trying to get out of getting the training, [Employee] acts overtly friendly to me, even having his wife bring in a new kitten. We are busy with getting everything in order for a client so I hardly notice when [Employee] pulls [Big Boss #1] into my office. About thirty minutes later, [Employee] reemerges and starts derailing the entire office by apologizing and having many talks with anyone about what their issues with him are, how he can do better, etc. It turns out [Employee] was trying to get me in trouble again and claimed I was out to get him. [Big Boss #1] ended up yelling at him about causing drama. So, naturally, [Employee] causes drama.

Eventually, [Big Boss #1] gets fed up with him and insists that [Employee] speak to [Big Boss #2]. She decides she doesn’t want to talk to him that day as she needs time to process. At any rate, Monday rolls around and we are still trying to get things prepared for a big client so she doesn’t speak to him. Tuesday, she leaves to go on a trip so he is put on ice for the rest of the week.

Well, [Employee] being [Employee], he thinks that he can outsmart her, and sends her an email asking to talk. She replies with a polite email saying that she is on vacation, but with clear direction to do his work and nothing else. She also reassures him that she is looking over all the information provided. This doesn’t sit right with [Employee], so on the following Monday, he sends out a letter to [Big Boss #1] that he feels [Big Boss #2] is creating drama and he can’t do better if he doesn’t know where the discontent is. Of course, [Big Boss #1] is with a large client at that time and reminds [Employee] of this, who continues to try and bully his way into a conference to bully his way out of training. [Big Boss #1] finally gets fed up and replies, “STOP BEING ANNOYING. DO YOUR WORK!”

Of course, that isn’t enough for [Employee], who then continues his tirade via text about how he is feeling singled out and he only wants to talk to [Big Boss #2]. She intervenes and ends up calling him as we are both CC’d to the tantrum. She tells [Employee] to just focus on his work and stop harassing [Big Boss #1]. There is nothing else to talk about until the Action Plan is in place. But it doesn’t end there; [Employee] sends another email minutes later about how [Big Boss #2] refuses to talk to him. Again, [Big Boss #1] reminds him to stop creating drama and calls him annoying. 

At this time, [Employee] leaves for lunch. When he comes back he acts as if nothing happened and all is good. Off to start the next bit of drama, I suppose.

As to why he hasn’t been fired yet? Because we have to document the billion ways we have tried to train him, and he still needs to be retrained next week. It is only after the Action Plan is in place and he is retrained without signs of improvement that we can take the next steps. This goes to show you can’t always fire bad workers as easily as they claim.

(Our business asks people to attach a test-project when submitting a support ticket, so we can easily reproduce the problem. This phone call happens after we receive a ticket without a test-project.)

Me: “Hi, [Customer], I’ve spent the last two hours trying to reproduce the problem in ticket [number], but the functionality seems to be working fine here. Could you please provide us with a test-project, so we can help you solve the problem?”

Customer: *sends me a document with screenshots* “As you can see, it’s not ‘working fine.'”

Me: “Yes, sir, I can see that it’s not working on your computer. However, it is working on mine. If you could please provide us with a test-project, so we can reproduce the problem…”

Customer: *interrupting* “I don’t have time for this! I have already sent you a document to prove that it’s not working. Fix it!”

Me: “As I said, I can see that it’s not working on your computer, but I cannot reproduce the problem on my computer without a test-project. I can’t fix something that’s not actually broken.”

Customer: “I don’t have time to build another one of those d*** test-projects. You’re wasting my time. You should be able to tell what’s wrong from the screenshots I sent you.”

Me: “Sir, this problem you’re having can have multiple causes. I can’t tell which one it is without being able to check the logs. I cannot see those on your screenshots.”

Customer: “You’re useless.” *hangs up*

Me: “And… good day to you, too.”

(I closed the ticket with the note, “Works on my machine.”)

Me: *towards the end of haircuts* “How would you like your neckline shaped?”

Literally 75% Of Men That Get In My Chair: “Doesn’t matter to me!” *laughs* “I never see it anyway!”

Me: *yet again, fakes light laughter, soul crushed from hearing the same joke eight times a day*

(I work for a popular fast food chain that very often has online coupons you can download in the app to get a discount on various items. It used to be the case that if a customer wanted to use one of said coupons, they would just show us the coupon and we would manually apply the discount by clicking on a certain button. This is not entirely in accordance with corporate policy, because customers are supposed to open the coupon by dragging a ribbon, and then a bar code pops up. With the latest POS update, the button for applying discounts has been removed. We have been given a handheld scanner, which means we now have to ask customers to indeed open up the coupons to bring out the barcode. Some customers are having trouble adjusting to this new system and think it’s ridiculous.)

Me: “Hi, welcome to [Popular Fast Food Chain]! How can I help you today?”

(I take the customer’s order and ask her to pull forward to the window so I can cash her out.)

Me: “Hi! Your total will be [amount].”

Customer: “Oh, I totally forgot! I have your app, so can I get the discount on [item she ordered]?”

Me: “Sure thing! Just show me the coupon and you can start saving that money.”

Customer: “Why do I need to show it? I never have to show it.”

(I show her the scanner and explain the new system to her.)

Customer: “But last week, you guys gave me the discount without making this fuss!”

Me: “That was last week. Unfortunately, the rules have changed, so if you still want that discount, you’re going to have to show me that coupon.”

(This conversation goes back and forth with her constantly mentioning that she’s never had to show any coupons and just exhibiting a complete unwillingness to cooperate with me. Meanwhile, I’m getting more agitated with her as a line of cars with hungry people is now starting to form.)

Me: “Ma’am, just a friendly reminder: I don’t actually make the rules and I don’t have the technical know-how to bypass the scanner, so unless you want to sit here and aimlessly squabble over a couple of cents, it would be much easier and faster for all of us if you just showed me the coupon you’re referring to.” 

Customer: “You know what?! Never mind. I’ll just go to [Different Location] and they won’t make me jump through all these hoops!”

(The customer then sped off, leaving me bewildered as to why taking her phone out of her pocket and showing me a simple coupon was so much trouble to her. Besides, her “solution” wouldn’t do her much good as the other location she was referring to is owned by the same person, which means the same rules apply there, as well.)