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These Hallowed Halls Of Fancy Book Learnin’

, , , , , | Right | May 14, 2009

(This takes place in our college library.)

Me: “Could I help you find something?”

Patron: “Yeah, I’m looking for a book.”

Me: “We have lots of books here. Is there anything particular you’re looking for?”

Patron: “Yeah — Tuesdays With Morrie. Do you have it?”

Me: “Well, if you sit at one of the computers, I can show you how to use our system and we can look it up.”

Patron: “Never mind, I’ll just look around.”

(A few minutes pass, then he walks up to me again.)

Patron: “I couldn’t find it. Do you have Tuesdays with Morrie?”

Me: “I can show you how to look at our system and see if we have it.”

Patron: *angry* “I didn’t come to college to learn anything!”

Me: “Sir, I don’t think I can help you.”


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Comprehension Hazy, Try Again

, , , | Right | March 4, 2009

Me: “Can I help you?”

Customer: “Yes. Where it says ‘frame includes single-vision lenses,’ does that mean I can’t have trifocals?”

Me: “No, it just means that the cost of the frame includes the price of single-vision lenses. If you wanted trifocals we would charge you the upgrade price to have them. They start at £49 on top of the frame.”

Customer: “What’s the difference?”

Me: “Sorry?”

Customer: “The difference between single-vision or trifocals?”

Me: Oh, well, trifocals give you three different magnifications, into distance, intermediate and reading. Single-vision will only give you one of those.”

Customer: “Why can’t I have a single-vision lens that does all of those?”

Me: *checking her prescription* “…because your eyes need different levels of magnification to see each one clearly.”

Customer: “Why?”

Me: “When you are over forty, your eyes start to become lazy and have trouble focusing on close-up things, as well as things that are far away.”

Customer: “I’m not lazy just because I’m over forty! Let me speak to your manager! I have never been so insulted!”

Bad News On Laundry Day

, , , , | Right | February 4, 2009

(A creepy old man with dirty clothes and a scraggly beard walks into the bank.)

Me: “Hi! Welcome to [Bank]. How are you today?”

Customer: *stares, saying nothing*

Me: “How may I help you, sir?”

Customer: “I need to take $150 in quarters from my checking account.”

Me: “Okay, I can do that for you, no problem.” *taking out a withdrawal slip* “If you can just fill this out for me, I–”

Customer: “I can’t do that.” *pushes slip across the counter*

Me: “…pardon?”

Customer: “I said, I can’t do that. Do it for me.”

Me: “Sir, unfortunately, I cannot do that, for security purposes.”

Customer: “Why can’t you?”

Me: “It’s to protect your identity.”

Customer: “My what? Just fill out the d*** slip for me!”

Me: “Sir, I’m really sorry, but you have to fill out the withdrawal slip. At the very least, I need you to put your name down.”

Customer: “I can’t do that.”

Me: “If you pardon my asking sir, why not?”

Customer: “I don’t want to.”

Me: “I’m… sorry sir, but–”

Customer: “What kind of bank makes people do things?!” *storms out*


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Bureaucracy’s Hidden Benefits

, , , , , | Right | September 10, 2008

Me: “Hi, how can I help you?”

Client: “I’d like to know why I haven’t received my benefits.”

Me: “Let’s just pull up your case. Can I have your case number?”

(The client gives me their case number and I pull up the case.)

Me: “Well, it looks like you didn’t return your application. Without an application, we can’t approve welfare benefits.”

Client: “Can’t we do it over the phone?”

Me: “No, you need to come in and do an in-person interview so we can get an ID and a signature.”

Client: “So, we can’t do it over the phone?”

Me: “No, we need a face-to-face interview.”

Client: “That’s just too much work. I’ll just go get a job!” *click*


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Thy Laziness Knows No Bounds

, , , , | Right | July 31, 2008

Me: “Hi! This is [Restaurant]; how can I help you?”

Caller: “I’d like to order a delivery.”

Me: “I’m sorry, we don’t do deliveries.”

Caller: “So, you expect me to come all the way over… to eat your food?!”

Me: “Umm… yeah, if you want.”

Caller: “Goodbye!” *hangs up*


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