Lazy Beyond Relief

, , | Right | July 27, 2009

Caller: *on the phone* “My house is going to be foreclosed on next week! Please help! I cannot lose this house; please help me save it!”

Me: “Okay. We’ll email a bankruptcy questionnaire to you right away. Please fill out as much as you can and get it back to us ASAP.”

(I email her the packet, which asks basic questions like how much you owe your creditors, what are your assets, how much do you make, etc. The caller phones back 15 minutes later.)

Caller: “That’s just too much information! Never mind, I’ll just give up the house.”

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When Customers Shop Past Their Naptime

, , | Right | July 2, 2009

Customer: “I can’t believe I had to open the door on my way in! It opens for me on the way out. Customers shouldn’t have to open doors.”

Me: “But, sir, if the ‘In’ door was automatic, it would smack you in the face.”

Customer: “I don’t care! I shouldn’t be expected to open my own doors.”

Me: “Well, you could always use the handicapped button. That will open the door for you.”

Customer: *stomps his foot* “No! No! No! No!”

(The customer left looking at me expectantly and pointing at the automatic door on his way out.)

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Sometimes They Travel In Packs

, , , | Right | June 10, 2009

(I have just arrived and am beginning my shift, when a teenage girl approaches the counter.)

Customer: “Hi… do you guys sell bread?”

Me: “Yes, we do. Anything you’re looking for in particular?”

Customer: “Yeah…”

Me: “Which is?”

Customer: “White bread.”

Me: “We have several kinds of white bread. What kind would you like?”

Customer: “Oh… whatever.”

Me: *grabs the most expensive white bread* “Sliced?”

Customer: “Yep.”

Me: “Thick or thin?”

Customer: “Oh… thick.”

Me: *slices bread and rings everything up* “That’ll be $5.50.”

Customer: “Is it too late to get that thin-sliced?”

Me: “…I could get another loaf for you.”

Customer: “Oh… nah, I wouldn’t want to be a bother.”

Me: *hands her her change and her bread* “Have a nice day.”

(She leaves, and a clearly intoxicated man walks over to my coworker.)


(He swears loudly and walks away.)

Coworker: “It’s gonna be a long day.”

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Guardian Of The Tubes And Protector Of The Google

, , , , | Right | June 5, 2009

Me: “Thank you for calling [Cable Company]. How can I–”

Caller: “Yeah, I’ve heard all that already, sir, so I don’t need any more of your crap, okay?!”

Me: “Okay, sir, what can I do to–”

Caller: “Look, buddy, my Internet is down, and you need to get it up right now or I’m going to get your a** fired!”

Me: “Sir, I want to get this problem resolved for you just as soon as possible, but you need to–”

Caller: “I don’t need to do s***! That’s it! I want to speak to your supervisor. No, I want to speak to your supervisor’s supervisor! I WANT TO SPEAK TO THE MAYOR OF THE INTERNET!”

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These Hallowed Halls Of Fancy Book Learnin’

, , , , | Right | May 14, 2009

(This takes place in our college library.)

Me: “Could I help you find something?”

Patron: “Yeah, I’m looking for a book.”

Me: “We have lots of books here. Is there anything in particular you’re looking for?”

Patron: “Yeah — Tuesdays With Morrie. Do you have it?”

Me: “Well, if you sit at one of the computers, I can show you how to use our system and we can look it up.”

Patron: “Never mind, I’ll just look around.”

(A few minutes pass, then he walks up to me again.)

Patron: “I couldn’t find it. Do you have Tuesdays with Morrie?”

Me: “I can show you how to look at our system and see if we have it.”

Patron: *angry* “I didn’t come to college to learn anything!”

Me: “Sir, I don’t think I can help you.”

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