If The Dishes Pile Up, Your Inheritance Doesn’t

, , , , | Legal | April 8, 2019

(I’m updating my will by phone.)

Me: “Basically, I’d just like to split everything evenly between my three children.”

Legal Person: “Oh, it needs to be split into percentages.”

Me: “Well, 33 percent each, then.”

Legal Person: “No, it needs to add up to 100. One of them needs to get 34 percent.”

Me: “Wait. You’re asking me to pick a favourite.”

Legal Person: “Well, which one does the most washing up?”

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Not Quite Married To The Idea Of Family Law

, , , , , | Legal | March 18, 2019

(At an engagement party, I overhear one guest asking another guest whether he is enjoying working as a lawyer.)

Lawyer: “It’s okay, but family law can be depressing. If your client isn’t planting the drugs in their ex’s shed, it’s their ex planting drugs in your client’s shed.”

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Claims To Be Dismissed

, , , , | Legal | November 26, 2018

(I work in the land acquisition department for a civil engineering firm. We are tasked with acquiring right-of-way and/or easements needed for roadway improvement projects initiated by our state, county, or even city transportation and roadway departments. We usually settle with property owners, where they’ll receive fair market value or an acceptable amount of money for the portion of their property required for the roadway project. However, in some cases, we have to acquire the portion by right of eminent domain, by act of condemnation. In most cases the judge only deals with the property owner and attorney for the body of government seeking to acquire the owner’s property. Very rarely do these hearings go to jury trial, but on the off chance they do, jury duty is ordered as it is with any other trial. Potential jurors are each issued a paddle with a number in a large font printed on it. This happens to a former coworker of mine.)

District Attorney: *after introducing the case* “Is anybody here familiar with [Property Owner]?”

(A few jurors raise their paddles, as does my coworker.)

District Attorney: “Is anybody here familiar with [Roadway Project]?”

(A few more jurors raise their paddles, including my coworker.)

District Attorney: “Does anybody here know [County D.O.T. Commissioner]?”

(A couple of jurors raise their paddles, including my coworker.)

District Attorney: “Is anybody here familiar with [Our Employer]?”

(A few more jurors raise their paddles, including my coworker.)

District Attorney: “Does anybody here know [Boss]?”

(A couple of jurors raise their paddles, including my coworker.)

District Attorney: “Does anybody here know [Coworker]?”

(By then, [Coworker] is basically jumping up and down in her seat, waving her paddle as if she is swatting at flies.)

District Attorney: “Yes, Juror #24, how do you know these parties?”

Coworker: “Because I am [Coworker]!”

(She was promptly dismissed.)

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