Totally Divorced From Reality

, , , | Legal Right | December 3, 2018

(Our office used to be a family practice with three separate lawyers. Because the father is soon to retire and our office is an older house, his children (two sons) have moved to their own offices. We now have a much smaller staff, and I’m one of three people who open the office before eight each day. Our clients understand the lawyer doesn’t come in until nine, so they tend not to call before that time. However, when I come in one morning, the phone is going off at 7:30. We are expected not to answer phones so we can get morning tasks done before we answer, so I wait until eight to answer the first call of the day.)

Me: “Good morning. [Law Office].”

Caller: “About time! I’ve called seven or eight times already!”

Me: “I apologize; we don’t open office until eight o’clock. How can I help you?”

Caller: “Until eight?! This is life or death, and you’re going to make me wait until eight? What if I had been dying?”

Me: “Then I would hope you’d call an ambulance or the police. How can I help you?”

Caller: “I don’t know if I want him helping me anymore, if that’s how y’all act. Maybe I need to be calling someone else.”

Me: “That is your prerogative, sir. I apologize we couldn’t help you when you liked, but no one is able to answer your calls before eight. Thank you and—”

Caller: “Wait! I want to talk to Mr. [Lawyer #1] about representing me! Don’t be hanging up on me yet. Any chance I can talk to him?”

Me: “Mr. [Lawyer #1] isn’t in until nine o’clock. Is this about [type of law]? If so, I can get you to our intake to get a name, number, and some information.”

Caller: “What? No. This is about family law. Isn’t that who I called?”

Me: “Ah, no, sir. That would be [Lawyer #1]’s son, [Lawyer #2], who moved out six months ago. The phone books are still catching up in changing his information online. I can give you his new phone number.” *relays number to him* “Thank you, sir, and have a nice day.”

(A minute later:)

Me: “Thank you for calling [Law Office].”

Caller: “Yeah, I got a divorce case and—”

Me: “Sir, I believe you called earlier. I gave you [Lawyer #2]’s number, correct?”

Caller: “D***, this ain’t his number?? What’s his number again?”

Me: “The only number that [Lawyer #2] has is [number]. If you’re unable to reach [Lawyer #2] at his number, it may be that his receptionist wasn’t able to reach the phone. Try again.”

(The caller hangs up and a few minutes later:)

Me: “Thank you for calling [Law Office].”

Caller: “D*** it!” *hangs up*

(I guess he didn’t believe me when I told him that was the only number that lawyer had. Aside from that, I’m not sure how a divorce is a matter of life or death.)

Calling The Police While On The Phone With You

, , , , | Legal | September 20, 2018

Me: “Good morning, [Law Firm]. How may I help you?”

Caller: “WHO IS THIS?!”

Me: “[Law Firm], may I help you?”

Caller: “HOW DID YOU GET THIS NUMBER?”

Me: “Is there someone I can connect you with?”

Caller: “I’VE ALREADY CALLED THE POLICE!”

Me: “Good to know; have a nice day!”

Caller: *click*

Death Is Not Outside The Law

, , , , | Legal | September 17, 2018

I am a sole practitioner in a small town where everyone knows me. I’m lucky enough to have a good reputation with the local Bar, so everyone is quite understanding when I have to take time off due to an unexpected death in my family… all except one pinhead junior lawyer, who refuses to consent to the postponement of a trial, and is quite nasty about it.

Ultimately, the Judge rips him a new one and accommodates me.

When I return to the office, I send him correspondence, in which I “sincerely apologise for any inconvenience my mother’s untimely death may have caused.” He replies that I am “sarcastic and unprofessional.” One of us is one of those things; one of us is the other.

Notary-ious Behavior

, , , , | Legal | August 14, 2018

Customer: “I’ve been driving around all day trying to find a notary; you’d better have one on staff here.”

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, but we do not at this time; however, there is–”

Customer: *instantly starts yelling before I can finish* “BUT I CALLED AND YOU SAID YOU HAD ONE!”

Me: “I can assure you I did no such thing, nor did my coworker, and I’m going to have to ask you not to yell.”

Customer: “YOU LITTLE S***! I LEFT A MESSAGE AND NO ONE CALLED ME BACK; YOU WILL GET YOUR NOTARY NOW!”

Me: “A moment ago you said you talked to someone on the phone, and now you’re saying you left a message; if you are going to try to bully me into a service that we don’t offer then at least get your lies straight. Also, if you can’t be civil I’m going to have to kick you out.”

Customer: “YOU A**HOLE! FIND ME A NOTARY!”

Me: “I know exactly where a notary is, but I wasn’t bluffing; get out.”

(The customer picks up the mug on the counter we keep pens in and throws it at me, still yelling about needing a notary. I dodge the mug, and walk calmly around the counter, getting right in her face and and speaking more calmly than I thought I could pull off.)

Me: “Ma’am, what you did there is considered assault. There are two cameras watching us right now; if you don’t leave I’m calling the police.”

Customer: *shrinking back under the death glare I am giving* “I… Um… Can you tell me where that notary was located?”

Me: “I would have if you hadn’t assaulted me, put a hole in my wall, and broke my mug. If your next words aren’t, ‘Have a nice day,’ the police will be shown this footage.”

Customer: “I… you… I just… Have a nice day.”

(She left and was never seen in our store again.)

Lawyers Were Never Real People

, , , , , | Legal | August 10, 2018

(I work for a government department that deals mainly with legal professionals, but we do occasionally get calls from members of the general public.)

Colleague: *on phone* “It’s a bit complicated. Are you a lawyer or a real person?”

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