Judged As A Scam

| PA, USA | Working | May 20, 2017

(I am a paralegal, and part of my job is to keep telemarketers and scammers from getting through to my boss.)

Guy: *on Phone* “Hello, am I speaking to the business owner?”

Me: “I am her assistant; may I help you?”

Guy: “Yes, I am [Obviously Fake Name] from [Obviously Fake Help Center], and I am calling to alert you that your computer has a virus!”

Me: “Oh, really?”

Guy: “Yes, and in order to salvage all your data, you will need to provide us with—”

Me: “Okay, first of all, I am fully aware this is a scam.”

Guy: “Miss, I assure you that—”

Me: “Second of all, you do realize you’ve called an attorney’s office?”

Guy: “…”

Me: “A practicing attorney on friendly terms with three local court judges. And whose caller ID identifies your phone number as [phone number], your business name as ‘Unlisted, Unknown,’ and YOUR name as—”

Guy: *slams down the phone*

Attorney: *from her office next door* “You are the first and best line of defence!”

God Gets Paper Jams Too

| Milwaukee, WI, USA | Working | January 8, 2017

(I work in a law office that I love, but where the employees are by and large not very good at technology. To remedy this, our office has started doing monthly optional tech lunches. This is the email announcement for one of them.)

Announcement: “Just a reminder for the next Brown Bag Tech Lunch, next Friday at noon. The title is: ‘Why you should not ask “Why?” when your computer or file won’t work.’ Some of the subjects to be covered:

Why did [Coworker #1]’s PC lose its ‘Trust Relationship’ with our network?

Why did [Coworker #2]’s password change not stick?

Why did almost every PC in the Milwaukee office refuse to install updates?

Why does almost everyone’s Citrix session crash occasionally?

Why did the printer print out gobbledy-gook?

Why did [Coworker #3]’s scanner refuse to scan a document?

Is there a God?

Plus, some things you can do that might keep things like that from happening.

No need to RSVP. Will be available by video conference. See you there!”

The Coffee Is Protected

| Milwaukee, WI, USA | Working | November 10, 2016

(I work for a non-profit firm that doesn’t always have state-of-the-art technology, which means we experience more than our fair share of technical difficulties. On this particular day, our main server has crashed in epic fashion, knocking out computers and phones for everyone in the office. It’s been down for more than an hour when I take a break from paperwork to heat up some coffee in the break room microwave.)

Coworker: *walking by* “Look at you! You found an electronic device in this office that’s working!”

Client Defiant

| TX, USA | Right | October 26, 2016

(I work in a law office as both receptionist and as consultant for new clients. We always do our consultations over the phone, since walk-ins tend to expect to see the lawyer right away. Seeing as his schedule is planned usually a month in advance, that isn’t feasible.)

Me: “Law office, how can I help you?”

Caller: “I need your address.”

Me: “May I ask why?”

Caller: “To see the lawyer. What is your address?”

Me: “[Lawyer] is not in today, so you wouldn’t be able to see him today. Can I help you?”

Caller: “No, you can’t. This is sensitive information. I just need your address.”

Me: “Okay. We only do [types of law] at this office. Is this the type of case you have?”

Caller: “Yes, it is.”

Me: “Well, new callers are unable to see the lawyer the same day. We have to schedule them to see him. I can take your information over the phone, however.”

Caller: “No, you can’t. I would prefer to talk to him. Just give me your address.”

Me: “Okay. The address is [address]; however, we still would not be able to schedule you for an appointment to see him without first doing a consultation with you.”

Caller: “Listen, sweetheart, I don’t give sensitive information out over the phone. Working at a law office, I would think you’d understand that. I will be in there today to see [Lawyer].” *hangs up*

(One hour later, the caller and her husband arrive, and instantly glare at me.)

Caller: “I’m here to see [Lawyer].”

Me: “Do you have an appointment to see him?”

(I already know she doesn’t, but I’m dying to know what she has to say.)

Caller: “I wasn’t told that I need to have an appointment! I need to see him today. It’s imperative that I see him today. How long will it be before I can see him?” *They sit down.*

Me: “Hmm, if you don’t have an appointment, then it’s not going to be until [three weeks later].”

Caller: “WHAT? But I have to see him about my case!”

Me: “OH! You need a consultation!”

Caller: “YES!”

Me: “Right! We don’t do consultations in person. I do them over the phone. I’d have done so earlier, but you were unbelievably rude, with no reason to be. And you told me that you refused to give me your information. Without your information, there’s no way we can set an appointment for you.”

Caller: *stares at me*

Me: “We can’t take your case. Have a nice day!”

(She argued with me until the legal assistant came to back me up. With her attitude and insistence to see the lawyer, there’s no way we would want her as a client.)

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Word Imperfect

| Los Angeles, CA, USA | Working | September 30, 2016

(I visit a client’s desk to review a problem she is having viewing PDF files. She claims that they are regularly crashing and it is severely impacting her workload.)

Me: “Can you demonstrate the problem for me?”

Client: “Sure.”

(She proceeds to minimize each application individually. She then double-clicks the Microsoft Word icon on her desktop. Once it loads, she goes to the File menu, and clicks Open. She then browses to the main network folder, then, in sequence, to her own folder, a folder named “WPDOCS” (a holdover from the WordPerfect days), and a folder in THAT called “PDFs.” In there she finds the document she wants, right-clicks it, and choses “View in QuickView Plus.” QuickView Plus then opens and loads Adobe Reader, embedded within its own window, to finally display the PDF document. After regaining my composure at the circuitous route she takes to get there, I explain how the program within a program within a program method she uses adds so many points of failure it is no surprise this happens.)

Me: “Why don’t you just browse to the file in Windows Explorer and double-click it to open it?”

Client: “I didn’t say I wanted to OPEN it. I said I wanted to VIEW it.”

Me: “Those are the exact same thing. There’s no technical distinction.”

Client: “Well, how am I supposed to know these things?!”

(I guess she had me there.)

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