Legally, I Have To Swipe Left

, , , , , | Right | December 14, 2018

(I’ve recently changed jobs; I was a retail worker and am now a receptionist at a law firm, where my job mostly entails answering the phone and taking messages. After a month, I’m starting to feel good about my decision to change jobs, reflecting on how lucky I am that I no longer have to deal with crazy people. Then this phone call happens.)

Me: “Thank you for calling [Law Firm]. How may I help you?

Caller: *an older female voice with the most nasal, New-York accent I’ve ever heard* “Yeah, I need an attorney. A woman attorney, to be specific; not one of those guys who think they know it all and will charge you an arm and a leg to have you listen to them talk on and on.” *almost shouting* “Only a woman could possibly understand my pain! Do you even have female attorneys there?”

Me: “Yes, ma’am, we do have female attorneys here at [Law Firm]; currently half of the attorneys we have on staff are females. However, depending on what is it you are seeking assistance with, we may have to refer you to one of our male attorneys, instead, as they would be best able to assist you in your particular situation.”

Caller: *ignoring that last sentence* “Any of them Jewish?”

Me: *hoping I heard her wrong* “Excuse me?”

Caller: “Are any of your female attorneys Jewish?”

Me: *in my best retail voice* “With all due respect, the religious preferences of our attorneys isn’t a factor in their employment here at [Law Firm], and it certainly isn’t something I’m able to comment on.”

Caller: “Yeah, yeah, Ms. Politically Correct. Now just answer my question: are any of your female attorneys single, Jewish women?”

Me: *cue internal sighing* “The marital status or the religious preferences of our attorneys are not things I am able to discuss since those factors do not have a bearing on their experience, education, or ability to do their job. Now, if you aren’t actually seeking legal assistance, I’m afraid there isn’t anything else I can do to assist you with today, and I will be ending this call.”

Caller: *now shouting* “Well, how else am I supposed to find an attractive, educated, and intelligent Jewish attorney for my son to marry?!”

Me: “Ma’am, you do understand you’ve called a law firm, correct? We’re not a dating service and do not advertise as such.”

Caller: “Well, where else am I supposed to find an attorney?”

(I decided to keep my mouth shut and not advise her of online dating. I ended the call and let out a good laugh. I felt bad for the caller’s son, assuming he wasn’t aware of his mother’s antics, as well as any other law firms she had called or was going to call. So much for getting away from crazy customers.)

Totally Divorced From Reality

, , , | Legal Right | December 3, 2018

(Our office used to be a family practice with three separate lawyers. Because the father is soon to retire and our office is an older house, his children (two sons) have moved to their own offices. We now have a much smaller staff, and I’m one of three people who open the office before eight each day. Our clients understand the lawyer doesn’t come in until nine, so they tend not to call before that time. However, when I come in one morning, the phone is going off at 7:30. We are expected not to answer phones so we can get morning tasks done before we answer, so I wait until eight to answer the first call of the day.)

Me: “Good morning. [Law Office].”

Caller: “About time! I’ve called seven or eight times already!”

Me: “I apologize; we don’t open office until eight o’clock. How can I help you?”

Caller: “Until eight?! This is life or death, and you’re going to make me wait until eight? What if I had been dying?”

Me: “Then I would hope you’d call an ambulance or the police. How can I help you?”

Caller: “I don’t know if I want him helping me anymore, if that’s how y’all act. Maybe I need to be calling someone else.”

Me: “That is your prerogative, sir. I apologize we couldn’t help you when you liked, but no one is able to answer your calls before eight. Thank you and—”

Caller: “Wait! I want to talk to Mr. [Lawyer #1] about representing me! Don’t be hanging up on me yet. Any chance I can talk to him?”

Me: “Mr. [Lawyer #1] isn’t in until nine o’clock. Is this about [type of law]? If so, I can get you to our intake to get a name, number, and some information.”

Caller: “What? No. This is about family law. Isn’t that who I called?”

Me: “Ah, no, sir. That would be [Lawyer #1]’s son, [Lawyer #2], who moved out six months ago. The phone books are still catching up in changing his information online. I can give you his new phone number.” *relays number to him* “Thank you, sir, and have a nice day.”

(A minute later:)

Me: “Thank you for calling [Law Office].”

Caller: “Yeah, I got a divorce case and—”

Me: “Sir, I believe you called earlier. I gave you [Lawyer #2]’s number, correct?”

Caller: “D***, this ain’t his number?? What’s his number again?”

Me: “The only number that [Lawyer #2] has is [number]. If you’re unable to reach [Lawyer #2] at his number, it may be that his receptionist wasn’t able to reach the phone. Try again.”

(The caller hangs up and a few minutes later:)

Me: “Thank you for calling [Law Office].”

Caller: “D*** it!” *hangs up*

(I guess he didn’t believe me when I told him that was the only number that lawyer had. Aside from that, I’m not sure how a divorce is a matter of life or death.)

Calling The Police While On The Phone With You

, , , , | Legal | September 20, 2018

Me: “Good morning, [Law Firm]. How may I help you?”

Caller: “WHO IS THIS?!”

Me: “[Law Firm], may I help you?”

Caller: “HOW DID YOU GET THIS NUMBER?”

Me: “Is there someone I can connect you with?”

Caller: “I’VE ALREADY CALLED THE POLICE!”

Me: “Good to know; have a nice day!”

Caller: *click*

Death Is Not Outside The Law

, , , , | Legal | September 17, 2018

I am a sole practitioner in a small town where everyone knows me. I’m lucky enough to have a good reputation with the local Bar, so everyone is quite understanding when I have to take time off due to an unexpected death in my family… all except one pinhead junior lawyer, who refuses to consent to the postponement of a trial, and is quite nasty about it.

Ultimately, the Judge rips him a new one and accommodates me.

When I return to the office, I send him correspondence, in which I “sincerely apologise for any inconvenience my mother’s untimely death may have caused.” He replies that I am “sarcastic and unprofessional.” One of us is one of those things; one of us is the other.

Notary-ious Behavior

, , , , | | Legal | August 14, 2018

Customer: “I’ve been driving around all day trying to find a notary; you’d better have one on staff here.”

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, but we do not at this time; however, there is–”

Customer: *instantly starts yelling before I can finish* “BUT I CALLED AND YOU SAID YOU HAD ONE!”

Me: “I can assure you I did no such thing, nor did my coworker, and I’m going to have to ask you not to yell.”

Customer: “YOU LITTLE S***! I LEFT A MESSAGE AND NO ONE CALLED ME BACK; YOU WILL GET YOUR NOTARY NOW!”

Me: “A moment ago you said you talked to someone on the phone, and now you’re saying you left a message; if you are going to try to bully me into a service that we don’t offer then at least get your lies straight. Also, if you can’t be civil I’m going to have to kick you out.”

Customer: “YOU A**HOLE! FIND ME A NOTARY!”

Me: “I know exactly where a notary is, but I wasn’t bluffing; get out.”

(The customer picks up the mug on the counter we keep pens in and throws it at me, still yelling about needing a notary. I dodge the mug, and walk calmly around the counter, getting right in her face and and speaking more calmly than I thought I could pull off.)

Me: “Ma’am, what you did there is considered assault. There are two cameras watching us right now; if you don’t leave I’m calling the police.”

Customer: *shrinking back under the death glare I am giving* “I… Um… Can you tell me where that notary was located?”

Me: “I would have if you hadn’t assaulted me, put a hole in my wall, and broke my mug. If your next words aren’t, ‘Have a nice day,’ the police will be shown this footage.”

Customer: “I… you… I just… Have a nice day.”

(She left and was never seen in our office again.)

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