(My father is an attorney, and has hired a new legal secretary. One of the items she has typed up goes to several people at different offices at various addresses. That night my father brings home the envelope and shows it to my mother.)

Father: “What do you see wrong with this envelope?”

Mother: “The secretary put all the names and addresses on ONE envelope!”

Father: “When I questioned her about it, she actually thought the mailman would go to each person’s address and wait for an answer.”

(She didn’t last much beyond that day.)

(My coworker gets an email from our office supply rep.)

Email: “Dear [Coworker],

Thanks for being a jerk.

Sincerely,

[Office Supply Rep].”

Coworker: “What did I do?”

(An hour or so later…)

Email: “I apologize if you recently received an email from me. This was an internal error. The problem has been resolved.”

(I am interning at a business and working reception. A customer calls, wanting the information of a man who used to work there.)

Me: “Hello, this is [Business]. Can I help you?”

Customer: “I need the contact information for [Name]. It’s very important.”

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am. We can’t give out the information of people who no longer work here.”

Customer: “But I just need his information. It’s very important.”

Me: “We are no longer affiliated with [Name] and cannot give out his information. You could try looking online.”

(This back and forth goes on for some time with me trying to explain that we can’t just give out people’s personal info.)

Customer: “Why aren’t you answering my question!? I’m reporting you to the board of trustees! What is your name?”

Me: “My Name is [My Name] and you can do that if you wish.”

(She then hangs up. As far as I know we don’t have a board of trustees and I’m a six week intern from out of the country so I’m not sure what she was hoping to accomplish…)

Me: “Good morning. [Law Firm].”

Caller: “I was wondering if [Lawyer] could give me some advice on getting alimony after my divorce.”

Me: “I’m sorry. [Lawyer] does not offer free legal advice. Her hourly rate is [rate], and I can schedule you a meeting for [set price].”

Caller: “I’m not really looking to pay. Can you give me advice?”

Me: “I am not a lawyer, thus am not qualified to give legal advice. I would hate to steer you wrong.”

Caller: “Well, what if I told you what I wanted to know, you asked [Lawyer], took notes, and then you called me back?”

Me: “No, ma’am. I will not do that.”

Caller: “This is very poor customer service!” *hangs up*

(I am the private secretary for a very wealthy and prestigious attorney. He works in entertainment law and has many famous clients. He also owns a fabulous house on the Malibu coastline and will frequently loan it out to dignitaries visiting California. It is just before a major holiday, and he is instructing the new girl who has JUST been hired.)

Attorney: “Senator [Name] is visiting. I’ve given him permission to use the condo while I’m out of town.”

(He hands the new girl the front door key.)

Attorney: “I need you to have a copy made of this key to give to him. Since he is arriving late Friday, he knows he can pick up the key at the building security desk. Copy the key and leave it with the guard when you leave tonight. Put the key back in my desk drawer. I have a plane to catch. I’ll be gone the rest of next week.”

New Girl: “Yes, sir.”

Me: “I can take care of that if you like.”

New Girl: “Oh, no, it’s easy. I’ll do it.”

(It wasn’t until Monday morning that I heard what had actually happened. The senator had arrived late that night and the security guard had obligingly handed him an envelope with the law firm’s address on it and his name neatly written on the front. Inside was a sheet of paper with a PHOTOCOPIED image of the attorney’s Malibu condo key!)