(We have a client who frequently calls and threatens to send her father to our firm because her case isn’t resolved, in spite of us telling her repeatedly that she has to wait for the final hearing which has been scheduled. Her father also repeatedly threatens us as well. I’ve finally had enough with this phone call.)

Client’s Father: “If you don’t file a [name of motion] by TODAY, I’m going to come down there personally, and we’ll see what happens!”

Me: “Good. I’ve been looking for a reason to call the police.”

Client’s Father: “What? You can’t do that! Attorney-client privilege!”

Me: “See, here’s the thing Mr. [Name]: you are NOT the client. Furthermore, I’m the paralegal. I don’t get paid enough to deal with your threats. If I quit, the attorney has no one to deal with your abuse. If you come in and threaten me, I have every right to fear for my safety and take actions to ensure I am safe.”

Client’s Father: “WHY YOU B****! I’LL TEACH YOU—”

Me: *interrupting him* “FURTHERMORE, your daughter is in the middle of a custody battle with her ex being represented by one of the loudest attorneys in town. How do you think a criminal charge will affect her case?”

Client’s Father: “DON’T YOU DARE SPEAK TO ME LIKE THAT!”

Me: “Likewise. Show up at the office and I’ll call the police, and you’ll lose your case. If you have a problem, take it up with the attorney. I’m not dealing with you anymore.”

Client’s Father: “HOW DARE YOU!” *I hang up mid-sentence*

(He never did come in to threaten me… and he never did complain either!)

(I am the office manager and in-house IT department. I schedule a Monday off to go to the doctor. When I return to the office on Tuesday there are 14 notes from one of the partners about his broken computer. I call and inform his assistant I will be down soon and open my e-mail:)

Partner’s Email: “[My Name], I called your office and left several notes but you didn’t return my calls. I see a note that you left saying you wouldn’t be in but my computer is broken. I called [Repair Company] and they will be in today.”

(I call back the assistant and ask what the problem is.)

Assistant: “I have no idea; it just won’t turn on. We called repair.”

Me: “What happens when you turn it on?”

Assistant: “Nothing.”

Me: “Does the monitor come on?”

Assistant: “No. Wait, Mr. [Partner] wants to talk to you.”

Partner: “Look, I know you scheduled off weeks ago but this is important. I need this fixed NOW so I called for repair. I need you down here to be here when they arrive.”

(I hurry down to his office and glance at the computer. The monitor is unplugged.)

Me: “We should plug in the monitor before they get here. They charge by the hour so I don’t want anything slowing them down.”

(I turn to see the partner and his assistant looking sheepish as the login screen appears. Just then the repair tech arrives.)

Tech: “So, what seems to be the problem?”

Me: “His monitor won’t turn on unless it’s plugged in.”

Partner: “But I know nothing about computers!”

Tech: “I hope you know something about accounting because I’m going to have to charge you $150 for this.”

(I work at a law office that represents banks in their dealings with the SEC, Federal Reserve, FDIC, etc.)

Caller: “I need bankruptcy help!”

Me: “We represent banks in their dealings with federal and state regulators.”

Caller: “I need to file bankruptcy!”

Me: “We don’t do that here.”

Caller: “Well, who does?”

Me: “I don’t know, sir.”

Caller: “Let me talk to the lawyer. He knows.”

Me: “We don’t do that sort of work, sir. We can’t help you.”

Caller: “I’ll tell everyone about you! I’ll tell your boss you’re not helping me! You’re supposed to help me! It’s in the Hippocratic Oath!”

Me: “Have a nice day, sir.” *hang up*

(I am working as a receptionist and we’ve been getting a lot of telemarketers. Since the message is a recording, I had started by just ignoring it, but after receiving calls from them twice a day for two weeks, I wait through the long message to see if there was an option to opt out of the service. There is and I choose it. Instead of a message saying they’ll stop calling, I hear ringing and someone picks up.)

Telemarketer: “Hello, thank you for contacting [Credit Card Service]. How can I assist you?”

Me: “Um, I selected the recorded option for you to stop calling us. Is this the right line?”

Telemarketer: “Uh…”

Me: “You’ve been sending us recorded messages for weeks. We’re not interested in accepting credit cards. Please take us off your list.”

Telemarketer: “Are you sure? In this day and age, more people are going to have credit cards than cash. You shouldn’t limit yourself!”

Me: “We are a law office that deals with bankruptcy cases. Most of our clients are already not paying off their credit cards. Why would we want to add OURSELVES to that list?”

Telemarketer: *long pause*

Me: “Please take us off your list.”

Telemarketer: “All right, ma’am. Have a nice day!” *click*

(The senior partner’s nephew works for us as a copy clerk for the summer and the fact that this kid got into college HAS TO have something to do with Uncle Senior Partner. This kid is AMAZINGLY stupid. One day the copier, which has three trays (8-1/2″ x 11″, 8-1/2″ x 14″ and 11″ x 8-1/2″)  runs out of paper in that third drawer. I walk by as he is looking mystified at the supply cabinet where all the paper is labeled either 8-1/2″ x 11″ or 8-1/2″ x 14″. I see the blinking light on the copier and knew what the problem is: it was out of 11″ x 8-1/2 paper.)

Me: “What’s the problem?”

Young Employee: “We don’t have the paper the copier wants.”

(I picked up a packet of the 8-1/2″ x 11″)

Me: “Look, we can MAKE SOME.” *turns the paper on its side*

Young Employee: “Whoa, that’s FAR OUT!”