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Just Over Broken-hearted

| Working | June 2, 2013

(I work at a firm that mostly practices business law and litigation, and can be very stressful. It’s been a particularly crazy week with a lot of cases, and everyone just seems happy to make it Friday.)

Attorney: “You know, I sit at my desk and look at my friend’s [social media] site and all they do is post pictures of themselves goofing off, all day long, every dang day of the week, while I’m here, working!”

Me: “Yeah, but you’re getting paid to be here. They’re not getting paid to goof off and post pictures.”

Attorney: “WELL, AT LEAST THEY’RE SMILING!”

This New Hire’s Days Are Numbered

| Working | May 28, 2013

Me: “[New Hire], I was wondering if you could help me out. I’m missing social security numbers for these people.”

(I hand her a list of names.)

Me: “Can you check to see if these people happen to be in [case management system]? I’d really appreciate it.”

New Hire: “No problem.”

(A few hours later…)

Me: “Were you able to get any of those social security numbers for me?”

New Hire: “Yeah. I marked which ones were in the system.”

(The new hire hands me back the list of names, but it’s unchanged — no social security numbers have been written down.)

Me: “Okay… but where are the social security numbers? Did you write them down?”

New Hire: “You didn’t ask for the social security numbers. You just said you wanted to know if they were in the system.”

Me: “Well, I guess technically I did just ask if they were in the system. I thought it was implied that when I said I was missing the social security numbers, that I needed the actual numbers and wanted you to write them down.”

New Hire: “Ugh, fine! I’ll go back and look them up all over again.”

Me: “Thanks?”

 

Forming A Theory

| Right | March 11, 2013

(I’m a lawyer in a small firm. We send out documents in an envelope with our address stamped on it, and with prepaid postage fees. The society where I live operates on trust, and the postal service has stopped stamping sent mail. If you are the dishonest type, you can send the same envelope multiple times for free, but you’d have to put a sticker or something on the previous address. I get a call from an irate client.)

Customer: “What is the matter with you!”

Me: “What seems to be the problem?”

Customer: “Why do you keep sending me this same form over and over again?! Are you out of your minds?! If I filled it wrong you could attach some advice as how to fill it, and not just the same form again and again! And further, this envelope of yours is in a disgraceful state. I’m at the end of my patience here!”

Me: “I’m very sorry that this has happened to you. Could I please have your name so I can check what the problem is?”

Customer: “Well okay, but you should know who I am since you seem to send me mail every single day!”

(I check the records. Only one letter has been sent to the customer.)

Me: “I don’t know how this could have happened, since I’m pretty sure we’ve only sent you one letter.”

Customer: “You are wrong! This same letter keeps coming and coming. You are sending it to me!”

Me: “I’m sorry, but I would know if I’m sending you mail every day. And furthermore if we get a legal document from a client that has been filled wrong, we always call and give advice on how to fill it. Could you please go over the document, and I’ll see if there is anything wrong with it.”

Customer: “Fine!”

(We go over the form, and all seems to be fine.)

Me: “Thank you very much for your patience. Everything on the form seems to be correct. I can’t think of any reason why it would get sent back to you. Could you go over the whole procedure of how you are sending it back to us?”

(She goes over the whole thing in detail…)

Customer: “…and then I glue the envelope back shut again.”

Me: “Excuse me, but did you say you use glue to shut the envelope again? What does it say on the envelope you are trying to send us?

Customer: “It says [her own name and address], of course!”

Me: “So, you are carefully opening the letter we used to send you the form. Then you reuse it to send the form back to us, instead of the attached envelope meant for return mail? You do realize that the envelope goes to the address that is actually on the envelope?”

(There is a long silence and sounds of paper rustling.)

Customer: “You really should write clearer instructions on how to return these d*** forms!” *click*

Dozen’t Know When To Stop

| Working | December 25, 2012

(I work in a law firm for an attorney. There is another attorney who shares the same unit, but has his own practice. The other attorney also has a ruthless sweet tooth. Since it’s nearing the holiday party, I will hide anything sweet when I bring it into the office.)

Attorney: “Are those donuts?”

(He’s somehow spotted the donuts in their nondescript packaging in an obscure corner of my desk buried under files.)

Me: “Yes.”

Attorney: “…Uh, can I have one?”

Me: “Sure.”

(Five minutes later, he comes back to my desk.)

Attorney: “So, do you have any donuts left?”

Me: “Yes.”

Attorney: “…Uhh, can I have one?”

(Two hours later, he returns again.)

Attorney: “So, any donuts left?”

Me: “Yes.”

Attorney: “…Can I have one?”

Me: *sighs* “Just take the rest.”

Attorney: “Are you sure?”

Me: “Yes. It’s fine.”

(He starts to walk off with the donuts, but stops and looks back at me.)

Attorney: “I work out!”

The Great State Of Confusion, Part 4

| Right | October 20, 2012

(We provide a legal advice service, but we do not take calls about criminal matters.)

Client: “Yes, hello. I live in Mississippi, and I’m calling because my husband got arrested and I—”

Me: “Ma’am, I am very sorry to cut you off, but I do need to let you know we do not provide advice for criminal matters.”

Client: “Oh. Um, can you tell me someone who might?”

Me: “I do not have any numbers to give you, but you’ll want to contact a criminal attorney in your state.”

Client: “Can you give me a number for that?”

Me: “I’m sorry, our office is in Maryland. I do not have any numbers for your area.”

Client: “Well, I’m in Mississippi, but he was in Georgia. Can you give me a number for a lawyer?”

Me: “Again, I’m sorry, but we’re in Maryland. I do not have any numbers for down that way.”

Client: “Can’t you just look in the phone book and give me the number for the police department?”

Me: “No, ma’am. We’re in Maryland. I do not have a Georgia phone book.”

Client: “What about the number for information?”

Me: “I do not have that.”

Client: “You don’t have the information number for your state?”

Me: *speaking a little more obviously* “No. That is not our state, ma’am.”

Client: “Well what state are you in?”

Me: *sigh*